Secret
by Dark Goddess
Summary: Epilogue up. Jun reflects on the past few years. Thinking about the events that occurred after Ken confronted Daisuke. Rated for mature topics and mild cursing does it count if the cursing is in Japanese.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimers and Warnings: Digimon Adventures and all its' characters do not belong to me and are taken without permission

Disclaimers and Warnings: Digimon Adventures and _all_ its' characters do _not_ belong to me and are taken _without_ permission. They belong to a million people who I don't know. This is a non-profit Fan Fiction and is only meant for fun. Please don't sue! Secondly, this is a shounen ai, June, yaoi whatever you want to call it. Which means guys are attracted to guys. Don't like? Don't read! Duh!!! 

Note: This story will constantly switch from the past to the present. Present being Daisuke at the age of eighteen and past beingwell anytime in his past. I hope this doesn't get to confusingmaybe I should find a way to distinguish time periods from the beginning. Also the Prologue is the only part that will be written in first person POV, everything other chapter will be in Omnipresent Narration (unless I feel a need to write one in first person). 

Secrets

Prologue 

I walked quietly down the hall; all of my senses were alert. Making sure no one would sneak up on me. There was a part of me that noted the tackiness of this place. Everything large and extravagant, while the colors were dull. Ugly statues and paintings went along both walls. The only thing I liked was the carpet, which was this beautiful shade of shade of red—maroon, I think it's called—and it seemed fluffy, like it would be comfortable to lay down on. 

I pushed all thoughts tacky furnishings out of my mind when I heard a sound come from one of the rooms ahead. I walked even more quietly then before and stepped towards the room that had made the noise. Pulling out my gun, I placed my free hand on the doorknob and opened it. Now, you should know how I looked when I went in, should have seen it enough times on Cops or whatever, so do I really have to go through it?

So, I entered the room and looked around, gun in front of me when I saw the one who had made the noise. It was a little boy, no more then eight years of age. He looked at me and then at the gun in my hand, his brown eyes widen and filled with terror but he did not move or scream, he just sat there. He was dressed in practically nothing, which was expected in a place like this. He was a beautiful little boy though, his hair was the same color as the carpet outside which I found strange in itself and his skin was pale, well as pale as one with tan skinned can get, from lack of nutrition most likely. 

I took another look around, aware that I was being watched by those chocolate eyes, and then put my gun away. I took a step towards the boy and again the boy didn't run off or scream. He just slowly began to take off his clothes, as if I was one of the clients that came here.

"No, don't do that." I said. He looked up at me with a confused look on his face. Then his face changed to one of understanding and I thought that he understood. I was wrong, he laid down on the bed, a soft sigh escaping his lips and I knew that he thought that I wanted to be the one to take off his clothes. 

To be honest, I was pained at the sight of him. He seemed so nonchalant about the whole idea of being prostitute, he was even willing to help get on with it. 

"How long you've been doing this?" I asked. I don't know why I asked that question. But I wanted to know. 

He looked up at me again with that confused expression. Then he shrugged though he said nothing. That answer was enough for me. 

"C'mon kid." I said taking hold of his small, fragile hand where I noticed a tattoo. It was the symbol of the place, I immediately thought of the brands that are put on cattle and it made me sick to think that they did the same to this little boy. "We're getting out of here." 

He shook his head, his eyes wide with fear again. "No!" It was the first thing he had said to me during the whole exchange and it confused the shit out of me. "No, I can't leave this room without permission. Sir, we have to do this here." 

I shook my head. "Listen kid, we're getting out of here and that's that." I pulled out my badge from my wallet. "Look kid, I'm a cop. Sergeant Motomiya Kiyoyuki, all right? We can leave. This place has just been shut down. You're free kid and I'm taking you some place where you can live a normal life." 

He looked at me for a long time, his thin eyebrows pressed together as, I guess, he tried to understand the situation. I was quiet, giving him time. I knew this had to be unbelievable for him. 

As I was looking at him I noticed something, his eyes. His eyes had changed, I don't mean that they changed color. But they changed, there was this light in them that wasn't there before. This light that made his eyes—no him—more beautiful. I picked him up then and carried him out that horrid room, out that disgusting place. 

And when we stepped out into the night and he saw all the on goings, all the perverts and such being arrested and being taken away, all the children being checked and taken care of, he smiled. His smile was so large it lit up his face and for some reason I knew that this was his first time smiling like that. 

I came home somewhat late that night, after giving the little boy to social services and doing some paper work and a million other things. I saw my wife sitting on the sofa, watching TV. I smiled at her. 

"Where's Jun?" I asked. I had to see my baby, after seeing that horrible place I had to see her. Make sure she was safe. Yumi smiled and pointed at the clock.

"Where else would she be at ten o' clock at night, Anata?" I smiled at her and kissed her forehead. 

"I wanna talk to you later." She nodded and I went to go see Jun.

I entered the room quietly (it seemed I was doing that all night), moving towards the green covered bed, Jun's favorite color, I looked down at the little terror turned angel sleeping soundly under the green covers. I smiled softly and thanked God that my Jun had never had to experience the things that poor boy had. 

I smirked and kissed Jun's forehead before leaving the room. My mind had been on that little maroon haired boy ever since I had found him. I don't know how but in that short amount of time, that little boy had stolen my heart. He was so cute and so lost. I wanted to bring him home with me and protect him from the world. But I couldn't do that, for many reasons, one being Yumi. 

"So what did you want to talk to me about, Anata?" She asked me placing my dinner on the table. I took a seat and she took the one in front of me and began to peal the skin off a peach. She hates the skin. 

"We went to that place where they prostitute children today." She nodded and continued to peal, placing the skin on a small plate. She hates messes too. "I met a little boy, a few years younger then Jun, there. It was funny, he thought I was one of the clients." She smiled at me. It was one of those smiles where I would wonder if she really cared or was only humoring me. "But when I told him that he didn't have to be there any more his eyes lit up, koi. They were so bright and Gods his smile was magnificent." 

"And you want to adopt him." She said not once looking at me. She was slicing the peach then. 

"Yeah." I nodded. I wasn't even surprised that she knew. She just always knew what was going on in my head. "I know that it will be this huge responsibility and he'll be more difficult to raise then Jun because of his past. And Jun might not like him and so many other things but if you just look at him, koi. He's—he's, I don't know." 

She raised her head and smiled at me. Then took one of the peach slices, placing it in her mouth. Yumi said nothing to me for a long time and I knew she considering all the pros and cons. That's the way it was with us, I acted on impulse and she thought it out first. We were perfect for each other. 

"We'll need to move." Was all she said as she picked up the plate with the seed and peals and walked towards the kitchen again. It took me a second to register what she meant and when I finally understood, I jumped up and ran after her. 

"Arigato, koi." I cried out and kissed her. She laughed and swatted me away, but I didn't leave her side for a while. 

Both Yumi and I told Jun about adopting the boy and she seemed fine with it. But she said she wanted to meet him before he stepped foot in our home. I laughed at her, she was just like her mother. So on the day we were to finalize the adoption and pick him up I took Jun with me. 

The boy's name was Shun from what I had been told, though it seemed that it wasn't really his real name. Just something that he was called. When asked, he said that he didn't have a name until a client of maybe two years back named him that. He said he cared very little for the name, so when I went to visit him about three weeks before I asked him if he had wanted to change his name. 

He gave the oddest look and asked me why. 

"Well, I heard you cared very little for the name." I had said. "And I thought that it would be nice if you had a name that you liked." He continued to look at me like I had grown another head and it looked like a salamander. 

"Do whatever you want." He said. It had taken forever for me to get him to say anything past monosyllables to me, let alone have a conversation with me. It made me happy though he was still apathetic about the things that were done to him. When it came to making decision he didn't expect to make any and was always shocked to hear someone ask for his opinion. He would answer the same way: "Do whatever you want." It annoyed me beyond belief but I knew I had to be patient with him. 

"Iya." I said to him. "It's your name. You're going to be the one living with it for the rest of your life, so it should be something you like." 

He looked at me for quite a long time. I guess he was thinking about it. He smiled sheepishly and looked away. 

"Can I really have any name I like?" He asked me and I nodded. Then remembered he couldn't see me and answered him out loud. "I like the name Daisuke." I had nodded and smiled at him telling him to get use to being called that, because that was going to be his name form now on. 

So as I was saying before I started to babble about the kid's name. After I signed all the papers, Jun and I went to find Daisuke. He was sitting by a window reading a book, how he learned to read I have no idea and he didn't tell anyone when asked. We walked over to him and he looked up at us even before we reached him. The boy was even more alert then I was, there was no way one could sneak up on him. 

He placed the book down and looked at me, then at Jun. He was once more very confused. Poor thing, his world had been turned upside down and now he didn't know which way to go. But I think it was all for the best and he seemed to cooping very well to what went on around him. 

"Daisuke." I began, I was worried about how they would react towards each other. And I hoped dearly that they would like each other. "This is Jun, my daughter. She's going to be your new oneesan." 

They looked each other over, neither one saying anything. Jun stepped towards him and took hold of a strand of his hair yanking it hard, though Daisuke did nothing but stare at her. I was about to say something to her when she spoke. 

"Why didn't you scream?" Jun asked. She was now running her fingers through his hair. 

"'Cause it didn't hurt." He replied. 

"Aren't you mad that I did that?" She asked. I was so perplex at that one moment that I couldn't say a thing.

"No." he replied.

"You should be."

"Why? You can do whatever you want to me."

"You're pathetic." She said. "I'm going to have to make sure no one picks on you in school." She sighed. " Any one that picks on my otouto-chan is going to get it." She made a fist, with one hand then slung her other arm over Daisuke's shoulder. He gave her an odd look, something I realized Daisuke likes to do a lot. 

I was happy that Jun liked Daisuke so much. She found him "positively adorable" and decided to make sure everyone knew that he was her little brother—not adopted, but blood relation—and that if anyone picked on him she'd beat them into the ground. Which happened because she was suspended three times for fighting with a few boys. 

Jun was very protective of Daisuke. Making sure that he never was hurt and if he were, there would be hell to pay. She had made it her prerogative to make him lesssubmissive and apathetic about the things that happened to him. I remember one specific fight she had with him because of the way he addressed her. 

"Oneesama." Yes, that's what he had addressed her as, and she was angry because it made it seem like they weren't on the same level, as she put it. 

"Iya!!!" She had screamed out, this had been in the living room so both Yumi and I ran into the room to find out what was wrong. "Don't call me that!" Daisuke's eyes were wide with fear and confusion. 

"But isn't that what you are now?" Daisuke asked quite timidly really. "My oneesama." She shook her head furiously and I was afraid that Jun had changed her mind that she didn't Daisuke around anymore.

"Don't call me oneesama. I am not your oneesama!" She walked a little closer to him. "I am your oneechan, _maybe_ oneesan but _not_ oneesama!" She took a deep breath and sat down right next to Daisuke. "Call me anything but oneesama, okay?"

He nodded. "Even Aneki." She smiled when he said that and held him very tightly. 

"Hai, even Aneki." 

He never called her that though, only on special occasion, he began to address her as oneesan, and then oneechan and finally neechan. It took forever but he finally did and Jun was extremely happy. 

And I think it made Daisuke even happier because he's always had this yearning to be normal. He's always wanted to forget his past and be a normal boy, and now at the age of eighteen I think he achieved it—to some extent. Honestly to me, it's like he hides a large side of himself from everyone else but us. Playing more the part of a normal teenage boy while keeping his real self a secret. It bothers me but Yumi tells me to leave it alone.

Yumi has been so much to Daisuke. She's been the mother he's never had. Always there for him, always holding his hand and showing him new things. It was she that got him interested in soccer and it was she who got him his first punk rock CD. Though I am slightly pissed at her over the latter, that noise keeps me up at night and annoys the neighbors. She smiles at me and tells me that if you don't show him it's all right to experiment with different things, then he'll stay the same forever. He has a thing about not trying new things because of a fear of upsetting us. Though he knows that nothing he does will upset us so much to hate him but it's still a subconscious fear. One that I think will never be rooted out. 

I think he's progressed nicely over the years though. He's made some wonderful friends and gets into all sorts of trouble these days. Though he's still very closed in. He doesn't let many people in and it worries me. Jun tells me not to expect any grandchildren from him. 

"Why?" 

"Because he fears letting people get to close to him." She tells me absentmindedly as she flips through a magazine. "He doesn't want them to get to close because they might go away. That's why he's had so many girlfriends and boyfriends—"yes, my son's Bisexual and I'm okay with it (it had taken forever, and a few beatings from Jun to get him to just admit it). "—because he's afraid to let them in and he turns them away when they get to close. Natural defense really. One that I don't think most people will want to get by and he'll want them too. Really he only dates because he thinks it will make you guys happy." 

I sigh at what she tells me. It's true and there's really no way of changing it. That's my son. I love him to death but his past has really screwed him over. I find myself hating the people who had done this to him, and I have come to hope I met these people one-day so I can kick the crap out of them. They deserve it after what they did to him. Now you know where Jun's over protective-ness comes from.

TBC


	2. Default Chapter

Chapter 1

He didn't understand. No, he couldn't understand. Daisuke couldn't understand how Ishida Yamato could jump on to Garurumon. And if it were only to ride the large beast from one place to another, but into battle _against_ MetalGreymon! He just couldn't understand why he would risk his life. 

Wasn't he supposed to be friends with the Cyborg Digimon? Weren't friends not suppose to hurt each othergranted MetalGreymon had started it but he was under the control of a dark spiral, it wasn't his fault, he had no free will, he probably couldn't even think! But Ishida and the others could think. They could make their own decision and they had decided to hurt their friend instead of find another way to turn him back to normal. And then they had the gall to say it was out of friendship. 

Daisuke didn't understand. Friends weren't supposed to do that to friends. But then how would he know? He, Motomiya Daisuke, who had never had a friend. The only things he knew about friendship were the things he saw on Television and the things his sister told him about friends. 

"_Don't ever trust them._" She would say. "_No matter how close you think they are to you. Friends should never be trusted! You never know when they'll turn on you._" Granted this piece of advice could have come from some awful experience that might have turned Jun bitter and mistrusting. But Daisuke knew nothing of this. He believed his sister because she had never done anything to hurt him. Because she showed him that she cared and had come to his aid. Held him when he was scared and chased all the monsters away. She was his Oneesama. The –sama added because of the deep respect he held for her. Though she'd probably kick his ass if she ever knew he addressed her as Oneesama in his mind. She always hated that, she always thought that it meant that they weren't really close. She just didn't understand that the –sama didn't mean that he placed her on a pedestal, it expressed all his respect for her. But he wasn't going to argue with her, that was like stepping into shark infested waters with an open cut. Stupid. 

Daisuke looked around at all the other Chosen Children, they were to busy trying to "save" MetalGreymon to even consider explaining this to him. Not that they would. Takeru had been constantly yelling at him to fight. The blond seemed to be constantly angry these days. Again he didn't understand, Ishida and Yagami said that it was good for Takeru and him to fight. They said it would make them better friends. It seemed Daisuke would forever be confused. 

_How could fighting make us better friends? _Daisuke asked himself as Patamon saved Veemon. 

He didn't have a chance to think about that, since Takeru had once more tackled him screaming about how he wasn't a good friend. Daisuke frowned at this. How could hurting someone make them better friends. Was Takeru expressing his need for a deeper friend by trying to beat Daisuke into a bloody pulp? 

_I thought we were rivals. _Daisuke thought. _Rivals for Hikari's heart. I thought rivals couldn't be friends. Rivals were rivals, friends were friends and lovers were lovers. _That's all he understood. That's all he ever learned. That's what he tried to do to be a normal kid. Have friends, a girl that he was in love with and a rival. That was normal and that's what he would always strive for. 

But now, nothing made any sense. Fighting friends to help them. Jumping into danger for no real reason what's so ever. 

He looked up at the Digimon Kaiser who sat atop MetalGreymon and wondered if he had any friends. If anyone cared for him. Was this also something he was doing to make friends? 

_My head hurts. _

Daisuke looked over at Yagami who was talking to Ishida, both boys trying very hard to save MetalGreymon. Yagami looked so worried about his Digimon partner. His amber eyes shinning with pain— 

_Pain? _

—and determination. 

And then he understood. He understood it so perfectly. He understood why he had to hurt to save. It was all for the greater good. He smiled at the realization. He looked up at the Digimon Kaiser and their eyes met for just a moment. He felt something—understood something—which he had not before. Though he could not put these feelings into words, he knew they were important. He knew it explained everything that he was feeling. 

Daisuke sighed, as he looked up form the painting he had been currently working on all day. The mixture of grays and reds and oranges had reminded him of MetalGreymon, which had brought memories of the past. A smirk spread across his face. There were millions of things he didn't understand, but now that he was older he was better at hiding it. Better at dealing with it. 

There was a knock at the door of his small loft and he stood, placing his paintbrush in the water can next to him and walking towards the door. His bare feet stepping over dirty clothing and spilled paint. 

_Mental note: clean up spill. _

Daisuke looked into the peephole then smirked. He removed the three, double, bolt locks and opened the door to reveal a rather wet and very annoyed Takaishi Takeru. Daisuke grinned at him and motioned for him to enter, which the young man did. Daisuke then turned and closed and locked the door before following the trail of water back to his living room slash bedroom. 

"To what do I owe this pleasure, oh wet one." Daisuke said grabbing one of the shirts that were on the floor and placing it on Takeru's head. Takeru glared at Daisuke as the redhead began to dry his hair with the aforementioned shirt. 

_Fighting made us closer. _Daisuke thought as Takeru took the shirt form his hands and grumbled something about moron painters who use dirty shirts instead of towels to dry people. Daisuke smirked again. _Fighting because of our differences showed us our similarities. _

There was no real reason why they had come to the Digiworld so late at night, but they were there. Neither one really remembering the reason why they had come, only concentrating on the matter at hand—kicking the crap out of the other. 

Daisuke drew a shaky breath in, wiping blood from his lip with the back of his mustard-colored, gloved hand. His other hand in a tight fist at his side, Daisuke glared at Takeru who stood a few feet away form him. The other boy's blue eyes flashing dangerously, his hat long gone, his hair disheveled. 

Neither one could remember why they were fighting. All they knew was that they were angry or they were suppose to be angry with the other. Though neither one was exactly angry anymore. Actually, fist fighting had wore them out and they both just wanted to sit down and rest, yet neither one was willing to back down to the other. 

Daisuke raised his hand a bit and Takeru charged at him, thinking that Daisuke was going to attack and wanting to beat him to the punch. Daisuke, caught slightly by surprise, could do nothing but defend against the onslaught of punches. 

"Teme" Daisuke murmured as he stepped to the side and swung at Takeru. The boy's eyes closed and he fell form the impact of the punch. And Daisuke jumped on top of Takeru, his fist raising and falling on the form below him. 

Takeru's eyes stayed shut as he was hit, his body screaming in agony and the anger in him building quickly. He opened his eyes catching one of Daisuke's fists, while moving his head to the side so the other could miss. He took the chance that the other boy was confused to grab hold of Daisuke's neck with his free hand and squeeze. Daisuke's eyes grew wide and he opened his mouth to gasp for air, his hands fly towards the one holding his neck. But now both of Takeru's hands were wrapped around his neck and wouldn't let go. 

Daisuke pulled at Takeru's hands while glaring down at him, but Takeru would not deter. He placed his foot on Daisuke's stomach and pushed the boy off of him while letting go. But he also followed him, jumping on top of Daisuke as he gasped for air. 

The darker boy was to busy gasping for air to notice Takeru until the blond was on top of him. Blue eyes, darker with anger, staring down at him. He was pinned to the floor because Takeru was sitting on his legs and holding his shoulders down with his hands. 

"Why'd you hit me?" Takeru all but yelled. Daisuke glared at him and struggled to get loose.

"HanaseTeme!!" Daisuke growled. "Let me go _now_!!" 

Takeru held him down harder, repeating his question through clenched teeth. Daisuke glared up at him or at least tried to, for even though his eyes were narrowed and there was anger in them, there was more pain reflecting in those chocolate eyes then anything else. Takeru felt his anger slowly disappear. 

"Daisuke" Takeru began. 

"No don't give me this crap, TK." Daisuke interrupted. "Just let me go!" 

"Daisuke, what did I do wrong?" 

"Nothing." 

"There has to be a reason for giving me this shiner." Daisuke glared at him. 

"There wasn'tI just wanted to." 

Takeru's eyes narrowed, one hand releasing Daisuke shoulder to hit him in the face. Brown eyes closed in pain; he could almost feel his teeth rattling. 

Daisuke's whole body hurt from the fight. The fight started because he was way too sensitive. He shouldn't have hit Takeru, he knew that the minute Takeru had placed his hand over his eye in pain but he didn't get a chance to apologize for Takeru was charging at him before he could even think of a thing to say. And then they didn't stop. He wouldn't stop because even if he was wrong to hit him, Takeru's words still hurt. 

"That's not the answer I wanted to hear!" Takeru all but growled. Daisuke sighed and continued to keep his eyes closed. He didn't want to look into those piercing blue eyes. 

"I know." He said after a long time. Takeru's anger once more melted away. There were so many different emotions in that voice. 

"Then tell me." Daisuke said nothing for a long time and Takeru respected his need for silence. 

"Get off me." Daisuke finally said taking Takeru off guard and throwing him off. Daisuke stood and dusted himself off not once looking at the other boy. 

Takeru stood up prepared to jump the other boy if he showed any signs of flight. Takeru wanted to know what had upset the other boy so much and wasn't about let him get away. 

"I'm sorry I hit you." Daisuke finally said. "But you pissed me off. That comment about me and my family you made wasn't cool, TK."

Takeru stood there bemused for a long moment. 

"You mean the one about how you don't resemble your family?" Daisuke visibly stiffened. 

"That was crude on really high levels, TK." Daisuke still had his back to him but Takeru didn't have to look at his face to know that Daisuke was extremely hurt. 

"Daisukeboku wa—" Takeru began. 

"I'm adopted, TK." He had no idea why he just said that. It had just slipped out and he couldn't stop it. But yet he felt better saying it, if not a little scared of Takeru's reaction.

Takeru felt like he had been punched in the gut. How could have he been so insensitive! Why had he said that anyway? He didn't even know. All he knew was that he had been angry with Daisuke over something concerning Hikari, and he wanted to talk to him thus calling for a late night meeting in the Digiworld. Daisuke had once more pissed him off and he had made the comment about his family resembles or lack of, during one of their more intense bouts. Then Daisuke had hit him and he understood why. 

"Kami-sama" was all he could say. He felt so ashamed. "DaisukeI—" Takeru looked up from staring at the ground and notice that Daisuke was no where in sight. He had disappeared and Takeru had been so absorbed in his thoughts that had not realized it. 

"Shit Daisuke, why do you have to so difficult?" Takeru said running off after him. 

***

"So this is your new painting?" Takeru said looking at the half-finished painting. He noticed that Daisuke had recently been working on it because of the still wet paintbrushes and the open cans of paint.

"Yeah." Came Daisuke's faint reply form the bathroom. 

"It's weird." Takeru continued. "This isn't earth, is it?" he continued to look at it as if he were trying to decipher hieroglyphics. The strange mixtures of red and orange and those off areas where there were only shapes of gray it didn't make much sense to Takeru, then again he never really understood art in the first place. 

Daisuke walked out of the bathroom while zipping up his fly, the low whoosh of the toilet echoing in the background. He looked up at Takeru and then at his painting as he walked towards him. 

"NawI only do otherworldly art for Wallace." Daisuke said, "And he hasn't asked for anything in a while." Takeru nodded. "That's not finished." 

Takeru titled his head somewhat and Daisuke found himself admiring his friend's beauty. Something he had done many times since they had become friends. 

_I really should get him to pose for me._ Daisuke thought grinning. 

"Daisuke, you're almost out of canvas." Takeru said. "How can you say it's not finished?" 

Daisuke grinned. "It's going to be done in pieces, Takeru." Daisuke pointed to the other three canvases that all ready had small, light sketches on them. "Each piece will be unique and show a picture but when all the pieces are put together they will show a grand story." 

Takeru nodded in understanding. "So, what's the whole picture suppose to be?" 

"If I told you that, I would be spoiling all the fun." Takeru rolled his eyes and walked to the couch. He began to shove dirty clothing and other weird—and sometimes disgusting—things out of the way so that he could sit down. 

_Daisukeartistic geniushuge ass pig._ Takeru thought with a fond smile.

"So, why the hell did you come here while the sky's falling?" Daisuke asked beginning to clean his brushes. 

Takeru looked at him and then out the window. The rain had not seemed to cease since the time he had arrived if anything it had gotten worse. Lightening dancing through the sky, the thunder being its' music. Both, daring anyone to cross them at their most powerful. The wind blew by quickly, whipping at people's faces, its' icy fingers wrapping around the unsuspecting passerby and freezing them down to the marrow of their bones. The bare trees also danced, swaying back and forth by Daisuke's windows trying to entrance those within, their branches scratching up against the window demanding to be let in. Takeru felt a shiver run up his spine remembering to many scary stories that revolved around days like that. 

"You still cold?" Daisuke asked throwing him a sweater. Takeru thanked him and put on the sweater aware that it smelled like Daisuke. A smell that consisted of paint and red wood. Takeru smiled wondering where Daisuke could have picked up the smell of red wood. 

"You haven't answered my question." Daisuke said walking over to kitchenette to throw away the dirty water. 

"I was in the neighborhood." Takeru replied, shrugging. "Thought I'd drop by see how you were doing." Daisuke arched an eyebrow at this. 

"Takeru, quit the crap and tell me what you want." Daisuke said moving the canvas to a place where there was less traffic. Takeru sighed. 

"I really just came to see you, Daisuke." Takeru said. "Been kinda worried about you. Haven't seen you since you started dating Shoma-san." Daisuke looked at him and shrugged. 

"Been penned up in this place painting." Daisuke informed him, pointing to the half-finished canvas. "And as for Shoma-kun, we broke up a while ago." 

"Him or you?" Takeru asked already knowing the answer. 

"Him." 

"Got bored?" 

"Yeah."

"You know why, right?"

Daisuke sighed. "We go through this every time, Takeru." 

Takeru shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. He couldn't understand Daisuke. The young man was constantly switching lovers. They'd came and went like the season but they wouldn't last as long. Each one different, yet all similar. Takeru knew exactly what relationship Daisuke had with these people but he would never say it out loud. The only difference was that Daisuke actually went out on dates with them, instead of just jumping in the sack. But it always ended up like that. Relationships based on nothing but sex rarely went anywhere.

Daisuke had only had one relationship that wasn't like that. It was the one he had with Hikari when they were sixteen. They had dated but then had broken up. They fought, constantly. But it wasn't because Daisuke did stupid things or insulted or treated her a certain way she didn't like or vice versa. It was because Daisuke was extremely closed off and always acted very odd during relationships.

"_Apathetic to the point of being submissive._" Hikari had told him once. It was the night before she had broken up with him. "_I ask him if wants to do something and he always say do whatever you want'. Even when it directly affects him! I can't have that kind of relationship, Takeru!_ " 

It pained him to think of that, because Hikari had really liked Daisuke and she had cried when they had broken up. 

"_He just looked at me!_" Hikari had wailed. His shirt was soaked with her tears. "_Like if I had just told him the sky was blue! Then he nodded and said that he wasn't upset and I know he only said it because of the look that was on my face, and I know he meant it too! He's not upset. I don't think he even cares._ _I don't know what's wrong with him, Takeru. I couldn't get close to him, physically yes, but not emotionally. It's like he has this wall and then a fuckin' force field and a thousand other things. _

_And his eyes become blank sometimes. Like when I would ask him to do something he'd just nod—no matter what it was. When we were intimate it felt artificial like it was just a job for him. I don't even think he paid attentionI don't know. It's not like he was bad or anything, far from it, really. But it's like his mind and heart weren't into. Like he wasn't doing it to please himself just meI don't know. I don't understand and when I tried to ask he'd avoid the question and if I press he'd just withdraw further. He'd never yell though, just not answer. He'd watch me yell but never yell back._"

Takeru had been just as perplexed as Hikari. He had known that Daisuke was very secretive about his past (and he was sure it had to do with his past). But even he knew very little passed the fact that Daisuke had been adopted. And many didn't even know that. Daisuke just didn't like to share his past and Takeru respected his privacy but he still felt hurt. He was supposed to be the boy's best friend—well, he and Ken, that is. But neither seemed to know anything, they both would give each other confused and exasperated looks. Neither knew and would never know from the way things looked. For Daisuke didn't want to tell and they didn't want to pry. But how could they help their friend if they didn't know the reasons for his troubles. His secrets seemed to hurt more then help the situation. But as Hikari had said: when one tried to delve into his past, even the most cunning and subtle could not get past the guard or the door of three-inch reinforced steel and what ever other devices were placed to keep the world form discovery the redheads secrets. 

So Takeru said nothing and waited, just like Ken. They waited for the moment when Daisuke would finally be ready to tell them his secrets. 

_I don't think I'll live to see the day. _Takeru thought bitterly. 

Worried heart is beating with darkness

Feeling so cold and tight inside of the skull

Nerve function has been out of order

Kissing to the sleeping beauty in the forest

Dream is still a dream that never changes

Dream is still a dream that never changes

Blind fear is lingering around

Falling to the deepness of the inner spiral

Dream is still a dream that never changes

Dream is still a dream that never changes

Get rid of you notions

Haven't you realized yet? (Do it)

Get feel of your passion

Haven't you realized yet? (Go for it)

Perceive through the soul

Dream is still a dream that never changes

Dream is still a dream that never changes

Destroying the illusion with your hands

Destroying the illusion with your hands

Get rid of you notions

Haven't you realized yet? (Do it)

Get feel of your passion

Haven't you realized yet? (Go for it)

You get out from the shell 

Get rid of your notions

Haven't you realized yet? (Do it)

Get feel of your passion

Haven't you realized yet? (Go for it) 

Perceive through the soul

Get rid of your notions

Get rid of your border

Get rid of your notions

Get rid of your border

_Get out from the shell—Asian version—_

By, L'Arc~en~Ciel 

TBC

Okay, I know that I have yet to start the romance of this story. And I'm sorry. But the stuff that happened in this chapter needed to be added into the story and this was the perfect place to put it in. The next chapter should start off the romance thing. I also hope that the skipping from present to future isn't that confusing. *sighs* back to work.


	3. Default Chapter

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_List of things need to be a normal kid: _

  1.     1. _Like sports (play one)_
    2. _like video games (bloody ones)_
    3. _have or like a girl_
    4. _have a rival _
    5. _hate your sibling _
    6. _hate school _

* * _I don't think I could hate my Oneesama, she's too important to me. I like soccer, and video games. I don't really like a girl enough to chase her around like an idiotHikari!!! Hikari's nice and everyone likes her! Yes, I'll chase after her and since everyone likes her I'll have tons of rivals! _

***

Daisuke was tired; very, very tired. All he wanted to do was go home and sleep. It had been a trying day for him. One that involved a couple of bullies and Jun. He sighed, he knew Jun meant well but she did really have to beat them up? They really weren't hurting him in any way. She had overreacted. But he knew that there was no way to stop her when she was worked up, so all he could do was stand there and watch. 

Daisuke sighed once more and sat down on one of the park benches. He was so tired and he didn't want to walk anymore. He didn't even know where Jun was, all he knew was that the boys had run off and Jun, who had yet to feel avenge, ran after them. 

"_Get back here you ass lickers, and apologize to my brother!!_" She had cried as she disappeared around the corner, leaving Daisuke to carry all of their stuff home. 

"I know she means well but come on!" Daisuke groaned closing his eyes. 

"Oi!!! Abunee!!" Daisuke looked up at the cry to look out and saw a round, black and white blur flying at top speed towards his face. 

"Itai!" Daisuke cried out placing his hand over his nose. It wasn't bleeding but it still hurt like hell. His eyes were shut tightly and he wasn't paying attention to anything but the pain in his nose. So he wasn't aware of the things going on around him.

"Daijoubu desu ka?" Daisuke slowly opened his eyes and found himself staring into large, worried, amber ones. 

She was very beautiful, with large amber eyes and light brown hair cut short with two ear tails hanging from the sides of her face. She was dressed in a yellow tank top and pink short and there was a whistle hanging form around her neck. Her face was around and her voice was soft. 

"Is your nose broken?" She sound a little more worried then before. Daisuke then realized he was holding his nose and quickly released it. Then shook his head rather rapidly, she smiled in relief. 

"I'm sorry about that. My brother kicked the ball to hard." Before he could reply, a much deeper and raspy voice spoke. 

"Don't blame this on me Kari! You're the one that can't catch." 

Coming towards them was a boy a few years older then them. He was darker then the girl but had the same round face and amber eyes. His hair was also a darker shade of brown and there were large; round, goggles perched on his head. 

"Oi kimi, daijoubu?" The boy asked, not looking very worried but at least ashamed. Daisuke looked at the boy and then at the girl. 

"Yeah." 

Daisuke bent down and picked up the soccer ball as the two kids fought with each other on whose fault it was that he was hit. He watched them as they fought, a little bit confused on why they would be fighting so much over something so trivial. He had said that he was all right so why didn't they just let it go? 

"Ano" Daisuke said in a tone so soft that it could have been missed, which it was. The two kids continued to argue as though he wasn't even there. He rolled his eyes. 

"_Daisuke, you must command respect!_"He could hear his sister's voice in his head. How many times had she told him that? "_Yell if you have to. Be obnoxious and overbearing, whatever it takes to make sure they notice you! If you got something to say they better be listening, ne?_" 

Daisuke was never one for yelling, mostly because he found that it never accomplished anything. So he stopped yelling many years ago. But then, what was happening now had nothing to do with screaming for help or for mercy. He knew he was being silly for even comparing those two things and thinking about the past never accomplished anything either, but could not help it. 

He sighed and decided to put Jun's advice into action. 

"Oi!!" He cried out. The two bickering children immediately stopped and looked at him. He grinned a little, happy that it had worked and they weren't fighting anymore. 

"I said I was fine." He continued. "No biggy." He extended his hands, which were holding the soccer ball. 

The girl was the first to recover, smiling brightly at him. Then the other who apologized and grinned a goofy grin before taking the ball from him. 

"My name is Yagami Hikari." The girl said extending her hand towards him. "I think we're in the same class, three dash five?" 

Daisuke looked at her for a long moment, a little surprised by her actions and also trying to place her face. He had yet to make any friends in his class, but that was mainly because he wasn't every social in class. He was still somewhat afraid of people's reactions towards him and he was pretty sure most people were too afraid of Jun to risk invoking her wrath by getting to close to him. 

"Motomiya Daisuke." He said. It had taken quite sometime for him to get use to the new name. But he liked it, he felt like he had been reborn because of it. 

She smiled at him. "This is my brother Yagami Taichi." 

"Yo." He said and Daisuke nodded in his direction, grinning broadly. 

"You play?" Taichi asked, indicating to the soccer ball in his hand. Daisuke nodded. 

"A little." Taichi grinned. 

"Great. Wanna play? Hikari can't play for shit and need to practice." Hikari made a face at her brother right then.

Daisuke looked at them for a moment, trying to decide whether to except and decline. There was a part of him that told him not, that was the part of him that was very suspicious and trusted no one. But there was a part of him that urged him to take the chance, to make friends. That was the part of him that was tried of being lonely.

"I can't believe that Hikari gave you this picture!" Daisuke exclaimed looking at the picture taken so many years ago. 

Takeru had brought his picture album with him that night, after finding it under his bed. What it had been doing down there he had no idea but when he had found it and seen the picture he had to go over and see Daisuke. The other reason why he had gone out on such a dreadful night. 

"I don't know, I think it's a rather flattering picture." Takeru said grinning evilly. Daisuke punched him playfully in the arm. "And Taichi makes a perfect double with you." 

"No one sees this." Daisuke said in a low voice. Takeru just grinned at him. "Y'know during the next meeting, I could always bring up last Christmas at the Ishidas." He looked up at the ceiling. "Those were some interesting positions you and Yamato were in." 

Takeru gasped. "We weren't doing anything!!" 

"Sure didn't look that way when I can in. And what was with those guilty expressions?" 

"What guilty expressions?" 

"The ones that I'll tell everyone you guys had if that pictures ever sees the light of day again." 

Takeru gasped again. He then stood and jumped towards Daisuke who moved quickly out of the way. Daisuke laughed as Takeru chased him around the small loft. 

Takeru grinned as he chased his friend. This was the way he always wanted to see Daisuke, smiling and laughing. He didn't want to see that tortured look in his eyes so many years ago, when Ken stopped being the Digimon Kaiser. 

"Daisuke, what's wrong?" Takeru sat down next to his friend who had not said a word to him all day. This usually didn't bother Takeru, Daisuke had always been strange and never really liked to talk when he didn't have anything to say, yet the boy hated silence, which always had messed him up. But Daisuke had always said hi to him in the morning and always sat next to him and Hikari during lunch, something he didn't do on that day. 

Daisuke looked at him and Takeru winced at the visible pain in those chocolate, brown eyes. Daisuke said nothing, just looked at him as if he was trying to pierce into his soul and learn every one of his deepest, darkest secrets. This, of course, unnerved Takeru. 

"Daisuke" Takeru said, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder. "What's up? Something happen at home? I thought you'd be more happy now that we defeated the Kaiser." 

Daisuke sighed and smiled, looking at the school. He closed his eyes and pressed the back of his head on the tree's trunk.

"Daisuke?" Takeru asked now beginning to worry about his friend. 

"I wonder how he's doing?" 

"Who?" 

"Ichijouji-san." Takeru shrugged and looked away. So that was what was bothering him. Takeru frowned a little, his mind wandering back to the day Ken stopped being the Digimon Kaiser. It had been a strange day, a day where Takeru's angered had soared. He had lost control and confronted the Kaiser. 

Takeru was still angry with the Kaiser—Ken, now—he still could not forgive him for what he had done to all those Digimon and to the Chosen Children. But Daisuke had already forgiven him, much to Takeru's confusion and chagrin. How could he forgive him so quickly, Ken had tortured Daisuke more then any of them, Ken had betrayed his trust, Ken had done things that had almost brought him to tears. So how could he have forgiven him so quickly, what could he see that Takeru could not? 

"Plotting his revenge against us?" Takeru shrugged. 

"TK!" Takeru turned to find brown eyes glaring down at him. Though Takeru was already aware that Daisuke was angry with him. The red head him never called him TK" unless he was extremely angry with him or disappointed with him. "He's changed, TK." 

"Daisuke, how can you tell?" Takeru asked. Daisuke had been trying to make friends with Ken since he stopped being the Kaiser. What could he see that no one else could?

"You saw him with Wormmon." Daisuke said, folding his arms across his chest. "He was hurt. He felt pain. He was being—" Daisuke stopped there as if something had been caught in his throat. He took a deep breath. 

"He was being used" he said softly. 

"How can you tell? You know nothing about him to be making such an assumption." 

Daisuke glared at him. "TK, I know when someone's being used. And he was being used!" 

"Daisuke"

A sigh. "Forget it, Takeru." He looked at Takeru, smiling. Takeru glared at him, he wasn't fooled by that smile. It wasn't the same as all the others. That smile didn't brightening Daisuke's face; it didn't reach his eyes. That wasn't the same smile that warmed Takeru's heart, it was a different one. One that was being strained, trying to hide the pain that was so visible in those large, chocolate eyes. 

_What is it that you see in Ken that I can't?_ Takeru thought, staring at his friend's profile. 

***

Daisuke sat down next to his sister who was quietly reading a book. He looked at her and sighed, knowing what he wanted to say but not being able to say it. How long had it been? Daisuke didn't remember. He had been so young when the incident had happened. All he remembered was that his sister had hurt, that his sister had cried. Just like he knew that Ken must have hurt, must have cried. 

That was why he was here at his sister's apartment on the day that he knew they would both be visiting his grave. Daisuke had never been to _his_ grave, had never been invited and never found it his place to ask. So what had made him ask this time? He didn't know. Maybe curiosity. Curiosity to meet—in some way—the person that dictated so much of Ken's life and so much of Jun's.

Ichijouji Osamu. 

That name—that person—had been the reason for so much pain, so much sorrow. Just the mere implication of that name could make Daisuke feel as helpless as a kitten. And he feared things that made him feel helpless. 

"'Neechan?" Daisuke began and Jun looked up at him. 

"Yes, otouto-chan?" Jun asked though she already knew what the question was. Daisuke looked at her for a long moment as if trying to find a way to ask the question. 

"Yes, I was in love with him." She answered the unspoken question tired of the silence. "And yes, Im quite aware of what I'm saying and about how old I was when I was in love with him. But I was. He was—no, he is— my soul mate and I still love him. I'm as sure of that as I'm sure that I'll one day die." 

Daisuke winced at her words. The death of his sister, even though it had not happened yet, never did sit well with him. He unconsciously moved closer to her and she smiled softly placing an arm around her younger brother's waist, rubbing his side in a comforting manner. 

"You loved him that much, huh?" Daisuke said, not really understanding the weight of her words. Love had always been such a foreign word to him. Something that was made so that little girls would have something to dream about in their sleep. Prince Charming, white gowns, and all those other things associated with the word always seemed so unattainable. At least for him. But he wasn't going to say anything to his sister, there was no point. He would just pretend to understand. 

"Yes, I did." She replied a small wistful smile appearing on his face. "There was just something about him that attracted him to me." 

"Which was?" 

"His eyes. Yes, that was it." She was silent for a moment as if caught up in some old memory. "When I first met him, there was something about his eyes. He always acted indifferent and a little cruel but when you looked into his eyes you could see straight into his soul. So much depth, so much pain, I guess it attracted me. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to relive his pain." 

"Like me?" He looked up at his sister with large eyes and Jun felt like she was speaking with her eight-year-old brother again. 

"Yes, but there are differences." She laughed a little. Daisuke made a face making her laugh even more. 

She stood, taking hold of her purse and walking towards the door followed by her younger brother. She walked towards the door opening it and feeling the heat of the sun on caress her face. She frowned, thinking of Osamu, thinking about how he couldn't feel this heat from where he was. This, bring a twisting pain to her chest. 

"C'mon, neechan." Daisuke said, "We're going to be late." 

"We're not exactly on a time schedule, y'know." Jun said, laughing a little once more. Leave it to Daisuke to make her feel better without even trying. 

It was quiet, but it wasn't one of those uncomfortable, awkward silences. It was a respectable silence, the kind of silence that permeated any and all cemeteries. There was a cool wind blowing through the cemetery, ruffling the trees and grass, whispering the secrets of the dead to the living visitors. 

It was made Daisuke uncomfortable. It was like the dead were some how watching him, like they knew all his deepest, darkest secrets. Secrets he rather not have out in the open. 

Closing his eyes, he shook his head. He knew it was ridiculous, the dead, were dead and no matter what they knew, it could not hurt him in the least. But still he was paranoid. The dead always scared him, or more like someone who was now dead would always scare him. 

_I'm not making any sense. _Daisuke thought rubbing his eyes. 

Daisuke followed his sister's quietly, trying to push back other thoughts of long dead evils. His chocolate eyes focusing on the back of his sister cinnamon head. Her hair had been done up in elaborate braids and she was wearing a long, dark skirt that reached her knees. He smiled when he saw her shoes—no heals. That woman couldn't stand heals. 

_"They hurt my feet!" _She wailed, _"I don't know how people can put up with them. Give me sneakers any time!" _

Daisuke smiled warmly at the old memory watching as his sister knelt before a head stone and lit some incense. She closed her eyes and put her hands together holding a necklace of brown beads as she muttered something. Daisuke said nothing, standing behind his sister and staring at the head stone in front of him. 

_Ichijouji Osamuwe finally meet. _Daisuke thought. _Funny how I don't feel anything right now. Nothing that I expected to feel when I met you. _A soft sigh escaped his lips making Jun look at him. He smiled at her and she turned back to what she was doing. 

Daisuke shook his head, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his black jeans. Daisuke didn't understand how he felt. A small smile appearing on his face as he realized that it was rare when he immediately understood his feelings. But it wasn't like Daisuke was going to spend hours analyzing them. Whenever he didn't understand something, he would ignore it until it went away, not the most intelligent solution but one he liked and wasn't going to stop. It was easier in the long run at least he thought so. 

"Daisuke? Jun-san?" A soft tenor came interrupting the silence. The two Motomiyas turned to find Ichijouji Ken standing before them, holding a wooden bucket in his hand. 

"_He always acted indifferent and a little cruel but when you looked into his eyes you could see straight into his soul._"

He stood before him, blue hair swaying with the wind, blue eyes narrowed with determination and a cruel smile curling his beautiful lips. Daisuke felt a shiver go down his spine as he stared at the other. He was so caught up in the other that he hadn't notice his opponent take the upper hand and run off with the ball until he heard his crowds disappointed and angry yells.

Daisuke swore and chased after the other boy, the wind whipping through his face. He had to catch up, he had to stop him, had to stop thinking about everything but the game. 

_Concentrate Motomiya! Concentrate! _Daisuke growled as he watched Ken kick the ball into the goal, watching as it whizzed past the goalie. He listened to the crowd's cheers and swore again. This was not going the way it should be. 

It was like a dance of power, one that Ken was very good at. The way his body moved, graceful and agile. He was wield command of the game, everyone falling to his every whim even when not wanting to. He was one with the ball; one with the game and Daisuke was in complete awe. 

_He's perfect_Daisuke thought, watching as Ken scored another goal. The boy moved with confidence spoke with confidence. He was the embodiment of confidence. _Yeah and arrogance. _Daisuke snorted watching Ken, watching the way he acted, the way he spoke. _But then again if one is to be normal one most follow the crowd. _

"Wow, Ken you're so cool!" Daisuke said grinning like an idiot. 

"You should pay attention to the game then maybe you'd score a point." He replied. Daisuke rolled his eyes. 

_Epitome of arrogance. _Daisuke thought chasing after Ken. 

The crowd cheered, watching the two teams battle it out. Everyone knew Ken's team would win, it was inevitable, but they found the little red headed boy very admirable as he continued to try and upstage Ichijouji Ken. Some laughed at the thought, as if it were possible for some no named runt to ever be better then the young genius. 

Hikari, Miyako, Takeru, Taichi and Iori watched in stunned silence as Daisuke chased Ken down and made him lose the ball. The game was over and Ken's team won but Daisuke had caused quite a bit of a stir. Ken was having a little trouble standing up, most likely the red head's cleats had injured him, but it didn't last long. The blue haired boy stood and walked towards his teammates. Daisuke was following him. The Chosen couldn't help but wonder what would happen then. 

"Great game, na?" Daisuke said. It seemed like the normal thing to do after a game was to congratulate his opponent. 

"Yes, I was surprised by that last move." Ken said. 

"It was really great playing against you, Ichijouji-san." Daisuke replied, "You're a real great player." 

Daisuke extended his hand, looking at the face of his opponent, when their eyes met. Everything seemed to stop. Everything was drowned out, the crowd's screams, Ken's confident speecheverything but those eyes. Those large blue eyes. The deeper he looked into those eyes the more he was lost in their depths, in their sorrow. Sorrow? He could see it so clearly, past the shields of arrogance and confidence, the pain the sorrow. 

Why did he hurt? Daisuke wanted to know. Didn't he live a perfect life? A kid's dream, he was a genius, loved by all. He was perfect, with the perfect life, with the perfect family. He had everything Daisuke had ever wished for. But there was pain, deep-rooted pain and so much sorrow. 

Daisuke wanted to understand, he couldn't understand why? Why did he care? Why did he have the _need_ to take this boy in his arms and cure all his pain, save him from inner demons? Why did he care about the pains of such an arrogant prick? 

But he wasn't an arrogant prick, he was a lost boy. A lost boy who needed to be found, held and shown towards the light. Show him who he really was, who he could be. He was the once lost child of Darkness. Now the child of Kindness, best friend to the child of Courage and Friendship. 

Daisuke had known this. The minute he had looked into Ken's eyes and seen his soul. His scared, wounded soul. That was why he helped the other boy, because they were the same. Scared and wounded, two lost souls being used for evil deeds by the black hearted creatures of the night. 

"Jun-san, I didn't know you knew my brother." Ken's surprised voice brought Daisuke out of his thoughts. 

"Yeah, I'm not surprised." Jun replied. "Osamu-kun, was always so secretive." Ken nodded, his eyes clouding over somewhat. Daisuke frowned and walked up to Ken, placing a friendly arm around his shoulder. 

"How long you planning on talking to your brother?" Daisuke asked, looking over at the stone head of Ichijouji Osamu. 

"I don't know. Why?" Ken asked. Daisuke noted Jun had walked back to the head stone and was promptly ignoring them. She never did like to be around Ken when he was upset, it reminded her too much of Osamu. 

"'Cause how about I treat you to dinner?" Daisuke said, grinning a little. Ken looked thoughtful for a moment. Then he raised his head and looked at Daisuke. 

"As a date?" Daisuke noted the hope in his voice. 

"Do you want it to be a date?" 

_Danger! Danger, Motomiya Daisuke!! _Daisuke could hear the voice in his head screaming sounding suspiciously like the robot from that stupid American show: _Lost in Space_. But he couldn't help but agree with the voice, to bad he couldn't tell his mouth what his mind already knew. 

"Yes, actually I do." Ken said, smiling though his eyes betrayed his nervousness. But Daisuke never looked at Ken's eyes, he only saw the smile. That smile that made him smile. 

"Then a date it is." Daisuke said, mentally smacking himself for agreeing to this. For not stopping this. He knew he shouldn't have stepped over that line, but he did it anyway. He was so caught up in trying to make Ken happy that he did something he knew he shouldn't. It was always the same, Daisuke would slit his own wrist without a second thought to see the other boy happy, his brain taking a back seat as his body did stupid things. 

But he couldn't stop it now, couldn't hurt his friend's feelings. That would erase the smile that was on his face. And it was such a bright smile. It filled Daisuke's heart with so much uncontrollable joy. 

So he went along with it, he already knew how it was going to turn out anyway. He just hoped it wouldn't hurt his relationship with Ken. He hoped that they would be able to stay friends after Ken got bored with him as a lover, like everyone else did.

_Takeru's right. _Daisuke thought with a sigh. _It is my fault. But I'm not changing!_

TBC

All right, there it is the beginning to the romance and all the real torture and pain. I know the soccer scene wasn't true to the episode but I don't exactly remember everything in that episode and anyway, this way it fit better with the story. Sorry to all those that wanted this to be a Tasuke/Daikeru, but I had already promised it to be a Kensuke/DaiKen. Oh and before I forget, I know I use a lot of Japanese words in this, if there is anything that you don't understand let me know and I'll email you and tell you. Now on to the next chapter! 

*muses look at her funny* 

That's right, I have to right it first. ^_^; 


	4. Default Chapter

Chapter 3

"Daisuke, where are you?" Ken called out. He stopped and looked around the almost deserted streets of Odaiba, trying to find any sign of the maroon haired man. Where could he have gone? 

_Did I say something wrong? _Ken asked himself still searching for Daisuke. _Was it my breath? _

Ken didn't know what to think. He thought the date had been going fine. They had gone to dinner, nothing fancy. A small restaurant, barely know and very inexpensive. But it was nice, it held a certain cozy air that Ken couldn't put his finger on. It was just nice. A place that held a romantic air. Soft lighting and flowers but no music; giving the feeling of romance but not expecting any. 

After ordering dinner, they had spoken about everything and nothing at all. Simply enjoying the fact that they could speak freely, without worrying about impressing the other. Ken had loved that the most. The knowledge that Daisuke didn't care, never cared, if Ken was perfect and acted as such. That was what he always loved about Daisuke, the fact that he didn't care what Ken did. 

_"What ever floats your boat, man." _Daisuke had said once, waving his hand in dismissal. 

Ken loved Daisuke. He had for a every long time. Though at first, it had been attraction, lust, longing to touch that smooth, tanned skin. Then that changed, as he grew to know Daisuke better. He realized that Daisuke was everything he'd ever want in a person. Loyal, caring, sweet, carefree

_Everything I'm not. _

And Daisuke knew that. Daisuke knew how reserved Ken was. He understood that there were reasons for Ken acting the way he did. He knew how easily it was for someone to hurt Ken and he always made sure to stay clear of painful areas. But Daisuke also tried to pull Ken out of his shell. He tried to show Ken the better side of life, the side that he wasn't so well acquainted with. Always showing him new things that he had never considered doing on his own. 

_Like when he took me Christmas caroling. _

Ken had been apprehensive when Daisuke had first brought up the idea. Standing in front of some stranger's door and singing, wasn't his idea of a good time. Actually, Ken found it down right, embarrassing. And Daisuke knew it. The grin on his face told Ken that. Daisuke knew and didn't care and, was not giving up until Ken agreed to go with him. 

_"C'mon man, it'll be fun." _

_"No."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because it's not my idea of fun."_

_"And what is? Sitting around and writing another program? Where's your Christmas spirit?" _

_"I thought, you were an atheist?"_

_"I am, but you aren't. And anyway, who says, I'm going to be singing religious songs?"_

_"Daisuke, you make no sense."_

Then he had grinned that grin that could make Ken turn into putty. And Ken did turn to putty. Daisuke taking complete advantage, even though he had no idea why Ken had turned to putty. But he was slowly beginning to realize, that it was just one of those Ken things that he had no control over and, most likely, would never be able to understand. 

_God, I had been so scared that night. But he took my hand. He actually took my hand! _

But so had Takeru, who had also been invited by Daisuke. Daisuke, standing on one side and Takeru, standing on the other. Both had felt the fear the clutched Ken's heart and they held his hand, both at the same time. As if they were one mind, each taking hold of one of his hands and giving it a quick, reassuring squeeze as the door opened to reveal a little girl and her father. 

_Neither one let go. They held my hand right through the song. And bowed a little, together. As one. _

Ken had to—was made to—admit that he, indeed, had fun on that night. Had fun going from house to house, some times annoying people other times not, with their singing. If one could call it that. He wasn't sure. Daisuke had a terrible voice and he tended to be louder then Ken and Takeru—drowning them out. While Takeru, in all honesty, sounded like a girl. Ken had been very surprised, but was happy that Takeru, at least, sounded like a girl who could sing. And Ken, well, he wasn't sure, one could never judge the way one's own voice sounded, but Daisuke had said he was good. 

_"More then good. Great!" _Takeru had argued. Then he had made a comment about Daisuke's singing talents, or lack of. This in turn, annoyed Daisuke, who retorted by saying that Takeru sounded like he had been castrated as a child. That comment had begun the incessant arguing that, no matter how close, Takeru and Daisuke had became, could ruin any good time.

_Or did it? _

Ken wasn't sure. He still had fun that night. Singing, drinking hot chocolate, to keep warm, and doing so many other things. Never once was their a dull moment, when hanging out with Daisuke and Takeru, who at times, seemed to be Daisuke's accomplice.

_Daisuke_

Daisuke was a free spirit. There was no other way to describe him. He was always finding new ways to get the full life experience, as if he was afraid that it would all one-day disappear. As if he was afraid that he would, one-day wake up and find out it had all been a dream. 

"There you are, Daisuke!" Ken said when he found the other man sitting by a bench, grinning. "Where did you go? Why did you go?" 

"I thought you'd follow me, Ken." Daisuke said, ignoring Ken's questions. Purposely? Ken didn't know. Daisuke had always been a mystery to him. 

_So much depth in those chocolate eyes. _

"I was surprised, when I couldn't see you behind me." Daisuke continued motioning for Ken to sit. 

"How I am suppose to know that you wanted me to follow you?" Ken asked, taking the offered seat and unconsciously moving a little closer to the red head. 

Daisuke grinned. "Whenever I run, I wish to be followed." For some reason Ken felt like there was truth to that sentence. Some unspoken truth. He also felt like he would be following those words later in life—no sooner. He didn't know, was it some sort of premonition? 

He looked over at Daisuke, who was looking up at the sky, a small frown on his face. Ken was once more confused. 

"I wish all the lights would just turn off." Daisuke said all of a sudden. 

"Why?" 

"So, that I could see stars." Ken smiled and looked up at the star-less sky. The sky was black—or was it a dark blue, he was never good with colors—as it always was. There were never any stars seen in the city, the city's generated light wouldn't allow it. It saddened him as a child, but he had grown to live with it, until he never thought about it again. Apparently, Daisuke hadn't. 

_Or is it just on a whim that he cares now? _

Unpredictable Daisuke, he changed his mind as many times as he changed lovers. That thought stun. Did Daisuke care for him like a boyfriend? Did he wish for something more permanent or was it just something he was doing on a whim? 

_I was the one who had wanted this to be a date. _

Was he just doing it to please Ken? Did he just want to quench some new curiosity?

_Why must I always ruin things with my constant analyzing? _

It was true. Ken did analyze things way too much. He always wanted to find out everything, learn every little secret, until there was nothing else left. 

_"Until all the mystery is gone and, it's all boring." _Takeru had said that once to him, when they had gone to a magic show. Takeru had always adored magic, ever since he was a child. But Ken had found it trivial. He already knew how most tricks worked, or could make a logical assumption. He had done a lot of research on magic when he younger, when he was still the Kaiser. The Kaiser had always been obsessed with knowing everything, never wanting to be left out of loop, knowing all the secrets. Even more so then Ken did. 

This of course had annoyed Takeru, who simply liked to enjoy and not discover the secrets. He liked pretending, even though he knew it was an illusion. 

_"Of course I know it's not real, Ken." _He had said,_ "What kinda idiot do you take me for?"_ At that comment Ken had become flustered, apologizing quickly. _"Calm down Ken, I'm only kidding. You should learn to be more easy-going. Don't take things so literally, you'll have a heart attack by the age of twenty five, if you don't!" _

He knew Takeru was right, he knew Daisuke was right—for the red head had said it too, even more so then Takeru. 

_Shit, I think all the Chosen have said it to me, at least, once! _

He smiled, happy to know that they put up with it. Even if it did annoy them, they put up with his over-analyzing, overly logical, reserved personality. They never became angry, though they did tell him when he was getting out of bounds. 

_I have good friends. _

It was a truth that came to him at that exact moment. As if someone had placed the last piece to intricate puzzle. He could see everything. He realized the truth that had been sitting in the back of his subconscious, waiting to be discovered, realized, brought to the light. 

_And it's all thanks to you. _

He looked at the other man, who was still looking up at the sky. Daisuke had saved his soul. Daisuke had brought him out of the darkness. Daisuke had given him everything. Another chance at redemption, forgiveness, friendship, so much joy. 

Daisuke, the gruff looking kid with burgundy colored hair and large chocolate eyes. Daisuke, the kid that could open his mouth, drive his foot right into. Daisuke, the man with the caring smile, the boy who had held him one night, so long ago, when he had cried. The one who he had hurt so badly as the Kaiser, and was held so closely to as Ken. He was everything to Ken. His savior, his protector, his best friend. 

_And I love him._ _Kore kara zutto... itsumademo_

Daisuke looked at Ken and grinned. He abruptly, sat up and stretched his legs and arms, moaning a little at the feeling. He once more looked at Ken, his smile never leaving. 

"Look at this." He said motioning to the bench and the streets. 

"Excuse me?" Ken asked watching as Daisuke stood. 

"It's all my fault." Daisuke said, ignoring Ken's question. He crossed his arms across his chest and tapped his foot. His brown eyes closing, making him look deep in thought.

"Daisuke?" Ken was confused, to say the least. Daisuke opened his eyes and looked at him. 

"The boredom!" Daisuke threw his arms up as if exasperated. "And it's my fault too, babbling about the stars." He snorted. "You must be bored out of your mind, listening to my romantic babble." 

Ken chuckled. "Trust me Daisuke, I have no problem sitting here and listening to anything you say." 

Daisuke froze, his face becoming blank. Ken was confused again. What had happened? Why was Daisuke looking at him with such unreadable features? Why did he seem so tense, so afraid? 

It didn't last long, after a few seconds, Daisuke looked as if he had just dismissed something as silly and, smiled at the other man. What it was, Ken didn't know? Turning his body, so that Ken could see his back, Daisuke raised his arms. 

"Oh great Dionysus!" Daisuke called out, his head tilted skyward. "Grant us your blessing and rid us of this boredom, which plagues an otherwise festive evening." 

There was a long silence. 

Afterwards, Daisuke dropped his arms and turned towards Ken.

"The bastard didn't reply." Ken laughed at the expression on his face, at the utter stupidity of his actions. 

"Baka." 

Daisuke grinned, taking hold of Ken's hand and pulling him from the seat. He began to pull the distraught man down the street.

"Daisuke, where are we going?" 

Daisuke stopped and turned his head and looked at Ken. He placed his hands on the other man's shoulders and sighed, while shaking his head.

"What?" 

"Ken, are you going senile or something?"

"What? Daisuke!" 

That grin again. "C'mon, let's go do something interesting." 

"And what do you have in mind?" 

Daisuke shrugged his shoulders. Then he turned. "Ever heard the expression where ever the wind takes you'?" 

"Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" 

"Everything!" And with that he was off, Ken right behind him. This was going to be an interesting night. Ken smiled, wondering if he would get a kiss at the end of the night or not. 

***

The TV blared loudly, some random J-rock video playing. Jun smiled brightly and jumped onto the coffee table, her socks almost making her slip on the smooth surface. She thanked God that her parents weren't home and began to shake her hips, waving her arms widely to the fast beat song. 

It was her moment, no one was home and she could do anything she wanted—as long as it didn't get her in trouble. Moving over a bit on the table, she began to singing along with the TV. Her favorite Japanese rock group, Siam Shade, was playing their latest release. A song by the name of _No! Marionette._ And of course, like every other song by the group, Jun had gone wild over it. 

Her room was plastered with pictures of the group; she had the collection of Rurouni Kenshin episodes that had featured them singing the ending song. She loved them, not just one of the singer, like the vocalist, Hideki,whose voice was so unique and beautiful. She loved each and everyone one of the band members. Hideki, Kazuma, Daita, Natin and, Junji. If she could, she would steal them all and make them her love slaves. And sometimes, late at night during her random bouts of insomnia, she could be found on her bed with a notebook in her lap and a pencil in held between her teeth, think—no, plotting—how to make that dream come true. Siam Shade, her lovers. 

She giggled madly at the thought. 

"_You are the shed!_" She yelled out with the vocalist, closing her eyes tightly and pointing to nothing in particular. "_Ohhhh! Ne- chotto kiitekure angel. Yake ni chikagoro migatte na koto bakari iunda—_"

She bounced off the table and continued to dance around the room, the remote control doubling as her microphone. She imagined herself sing with them, grinning widely as she moved around the room. This was her song, she adored it. The lyrics, the music, the voices, everything. Siam Shade was her worldwell, not really, but it was nice to pretend that she had no problems at all. That her life was so perfect and easy, that they could be her world. 

It was always fun to pretend. 

She continued her movements around her apartment, oblivious to anything but the sound of the guitar and Hideki's voice. Her body shaking to the beat of the song, she had always been a good dancer. And she had always enjoyed dancing, her way of escaping the tortures of the world. She was happy, like she always was when hearing a song by the group, they could lift her spirits no matter how low they were. 

The sound of the door slamming shut, brought her back from the song induced euphoria she was in, and she looked towards the hallway, that lead to the front door. She watched, with no small amount of surprise, as her brother ran in and, right past her into his room—never once saying a word. Shutting the door behind him. 

Something wasn't right with that. Sixteen-year-old boys didn't run into their rooms like their boyfriends had just dumped them. Well maybe Daisuke didbut not on a regular bases (and _never_ did the loss of a lover bother him, something he had acquired from days better left forgotten). She turned back towards the TV, watching as her favorite group continued to sing and sighed, her shoulders slumping. With a quick wave and five kisses—blown to each member—she turned off the TV and walked towards her baby brother's room to find out what had happened. 

_It can't be about Hikari. _She thought, knocking softly on the door. _They broke up months ago. Maybe someone had picked on him? No, Daisuke never acts like that when he gets picked on. But if they had—_She grinned maliciously_—they'll be my new test dummy for that new wrestling move I just learned. And people say you learn nothing from TV._

Snickering madly, she knocked again. There had been no response the first time, but she knew that Daisuke just needed a moment to gather up his wits. He hated to be seen acting weak. It reminded him too much of when had been younger, of when he had not been able to save his innocence because he had been weak. 

_"Daisuke, I'm coming in?" _She turned the doorknob to find Daisuke sitting by the windowsill. There was a yo-yo in his hand, which he played with every few seconds. Jun sighed.

_The yo-yos out. It must be bad. _

Some people, when upset, ate cookie dough and ice cream, others wrote poetry or painted pictures, others still, would go on mass killing sprees. Daisuke would play with a yo-yo. That was his comfort item. Something that had bewildered Jun to know end. But who was she to judge? She, who spoke to stuffed Tyrannosaurus Rex named Pippy, when she was extremely upset.

_"Daisuke?" _Even after years of practice Jun still could not find away to broach the subject of Daisuke's pains. It was always hard for her, a part of her telling her to leave it alone, that it would only hurt more if she brought it up again. And another part of her, telling her that if she didn't bring it up, the wound would never heal and her brother would be in pain.

And, come hell and high water, she would always make sure that Daisuke was not in pain. So, she took a deep breath and move towards Daisuke who still had not looked at her. 

_"What is it?"_ She had also learned long ago, that when in came to Daisuke, being direct was always the best solution, no matter how much it hurt to do it. 

It didn't take long, which didn't surprise Jun at all. Jun knew that if one caught Daisuke while the wound was fresh, and by fresh she meant the blood had yet time to clot. They could get any information out of him. But if one waited to long, then he'd begin to make defense, make lies, and try to forget and then the wound would never heal, just wait for the most inappropriate moments to sting again. 

So when, Daisuke's eyes began to water slightly and his face began to contort into one of pain, she wasn't surprised. Jun went into action, quickly, taking her brother in her arms and rubbing his back soothingly, swearing that she'd kill the person who hurt him. 

_"Shhit's all right. I'm here." _She whispered to the boy sobbing wildly in her arms. Jun felt Daisuke shake his head against her shoulders.

_"No, you won't"_ He sounded so dejected that it almost hurt her to listen to him. _"Not after you find out what I've done. You won't like me anymore. You'll all hate me, you, Otousama, Okaasama, all of you!" _

With that he pushed away from Jun, who had been stunned by this declaration. She watch him stand and walk towards his bed. He rubbed his eyes and began to play with the yo-yo, watching as it went up and down, then stop and, spin near the ground or go around the world. Daisuke knew many yo-yo tricks; he had a lot of time—reasons—to learn them.

Jun took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. She had no idea what her brother was talking about. She had never seen him act like that, never heard his voice take such a venomous tone. But the tone wasn't directed to her, it was towards himself. He was angry with himself.

Why? 

She didn't know. But she would find out. It was her duty as Daisuke's sister to find out what stupidity had seeped in to his brain and flush it out. 

_What kinda garbage is he talking about? _She thought while walking towards him. She took a seat next to him, grabbing on to his shirt and forcing him to stay in place. He looked at her with large, brown eyes; the pain was immense, so strong. She felt like she could reach out and touch it.

_"Otouto-chan, explain yourself." _She said running her fingers through his hair. _"I don't understand. Why do you think we'd stop loving you?" _

A sniffle was heard, before there was a long silence. Then in a voice so low she almost missed it, he said:

_"I'm a pervert." _

Jun blinked, her brows touching as she contemplated this. 

_"So am I." _Daisuke turned quickly, eyes wide with surprise. 

_"You are?"_ Jun nodded smiling. 

_"Why are you so surprised? You've called me that a million times. Hentai!' ecchi!' Remember?" _

Daisuke looked at his sister, then wailed loudly, throwing his face into the pillow. Jun blinked, confused. Something was wrong. Daisuke wouldn't get so upset for being a pervert. Unless, he didn't mean it in the normal sense.

_Ohhhh! _Jun's eyes widened as it finally hit her. She turned her head back to her brother who still had his face deep in the large, white pillow. She smiled softly. 

_"Oh, Daisuke" _She whispered, climbing onto the bed. She crawled towards her bother's prone body and climbed on top of him. She lowered her body so that, she was pressed against his back as she rubbed his side. It was a comforting gesture, a protective embrace. It had always made the boy feel better feeling someone's warmth around him, holding him tightly, without wanting something in return. Feeling Jun's warmth all around him made him feel so safe and secure and, Jun knew this too well. 

_"'Neechan"_ was his whimpered response. She smiled softly, still rubbing his sides. 

_"I understand now." _Another whimper. She smiled. _"Great! Now, I have someone to check out guys with!" _

Daisuke's head shot up so quickly that Jun was almost hit. He wiggled around, until he was laying on his back and Jun on his chest. He looked at her ,wide eyed, as she grinned at him. 

_"Butbut. How? You don't care!" _

_"Why should I?" _

Again a long silence. Daisuke looked away from his sister's eyes as Jun fiddled with his shirt. It was comforting, as it always was. The way Jun and Daisuke fit together made him feel things that he didn't understand.

_Loved. _

Yes, that was the word. He felt loved, loved by a family. He had a mother and a father and a sister. All which cared about him and nownow he had ruined it by being so perverted. So disgusting and wrong. 

_"I'm not the prefect son." _He whispered again. Jun frowned. 

_"Huh?"_

_"I have to be the perfect son."_

_"Daisuke, not to be rude or anything, but you've never exactly achieved that." _

_"But I'm even farther from it! How can I—I can't pay you back!" _

Jun stared at him for a long time. She was so confused. She had no idea what to think. What to do! She never knew that her brother thought this way. 

She sighed and wrapped her arms around his waist. 

_"Otouto-chan no baka."_ She whispered, then giggled softly. _"They won't careI don't care. You will not care. Be whom you want. Do what you want. And be happy." _

_"But'neechan!" _Jun frowned raising her head and glaring down at her brother. He swallowed audibly. Jun was scary when she was mad. And she hated it when people told her she was wrong. He had seen it first hand. Hell had no fury like an angry Motomiya Jun. 

After a few more seconds of glaring, she sat up. Her legs straddling his waist and her arms crossed over her chest. 

_"Daisuke, I am going to say something very, very sappy." _She began after a long while. He looked at her as she looked down at him, her face expressing extreme discomfort. Most likely form having to say what she was going to say. 

She sighed again. _"When we first brought you here you were so sad. So different. Extremely quiet, timid. You seemed to follow that whole speak when spoken too', children should be seen and not heard' thing. It annoyed the shit out of us, but we lived with it. Why? Because we knew you had to get use to having a free will. And it pained us knowing that you had to learn how to use something that's, suppose to be, natural._

_"You've never told us what really happened to you, back then. The only things we've ever known, came from the case files and the police statements and stuff. We understood that you wanted to put all that behind you, so we never pushed. Or asked questions. We let you do things on your own. And at times we wondered if that made us seem like a heartless family—"_

Daisuke's eyes widened at her last words. His head shaking as denied her words. Telling her that they were never heartless, that they were wonderful people. That they had saved his life. 

Jun grinned and covered her brother's mouth with the palm of her hand. She shook her head, telling him to let her finish. Daisuke nodded but she didn't remove her hand. 

_"So, we wondered if we were bad or heartless. But when you'd smile, really brightly, or disagree with us, then that made it all worth it. Hell, as long as we knew it was really what you wanted, when you agreed with us it was great. Why? Because we knew that you were changing. That what that man—"_ Daisuke closed his eyes and Jun bit her lip. _"—that man, did to you was losing it's power. But now you say this!_

_"It's like we failed or something. If you're afraid to be different because of getting us mad or not being able to pay us back, and whatever other shit is running through your mind, it hurts. Kami-sama, all we ever cared about was seeing you happy. It's important to us. More important then seeing you get married to some beautiful girl and having the perfect family! _

_"We don't care. You wanna pay us back? Date whomever the hell you want. Do whatever the hell you want. And just come and visit us every once in a while. Or you could always take care of mom and dad when they get old and stuff. They don't wanna live in a home and I don't feel like changing their diapers." _

_"Ew! Aneki that's gross!" _Daisuke laughed. Jun laughed back. She knew that line would help bring up his spirits. 

Moving so she wasn't sitting on his stomach anymore, she pulled him into a sitting position and held him tightly. His arms, tentatively, wrapping her into the tender embrace. Jun smiled at her brother.

_"So, who is it?" _Jun asked, wanting to change the subject. Even though, she knew it wasn't over. Not by a long run. It took too long for Daisuke to give up something like that, but she knew that with a little more convincing and a lot of support, he would change his mind and be happy again. 

_"Nani?" _Daisuke asked pulling away from her. She grinned and scooted closer to him, her eyes gleaming with an almost unnatural light. 

_"Who brought out these so-called: unnatural feelings form my brother?" _Daisuke looked away. _"Daisuke!" _Still nothing. _"Daisuke, if you don't tell me I'm going to tickle you." _

When she received silence as a respond, she grinned and jumped on her brother. Her fingers gliding over his stomach and sides. Daisuke laughed, trying to push his sister away, begging for her to stop. Though he knew she wasn't going to until she received the answer she wanted.

Throwing her off, he ran out of his room and down the hall, Jun in hot pursuit. Jun grinned; everything was going back to normal.

She laughed at how stupid that sounded. 

***

Daisuke smiled and continued to move down the streets, his movements reminiscent to some graceful dance. He turned, eyes seeming to gleam with happiness, and looked at Ken who smiled softly at him. Motioning to be followed, Daisuke turned and continued his movements down the streets.

_He seems to have no problems. _Ken thought feeling a bit envious. Daisuke always seemed so carefree, so free of pain and troubles. He wondered if the boy's problems were any bigger then normal teenage angst, rent problems, or what colors to use for the new design that Wallace needed. 

Daisuke stopped in front of a closed store and looked at it for a long moment. Ken, stopping next to him, turned and looked at what had caught Daisuke's eyes. 

It was dark, so Ken, at first could not tell what was the store's purpose. On closer inspection, he realized it was a small flower shop. Ken turned his head towards Daisuke who was squinting, a little, as if trying to see something. 

"I shop here sometimes." Daisuke said, answering Ken's silent question. Ken smiled.

"You buy flowers?" He asked a bit surprised. Daisuke turned to him and frowned. 

"Yes, I buy flowers." Daisuke huffed moving closer to the store and peering inside. "I'm a painter, I like to paint still life, a lot. And, I sometimes combined the flowers to make an original one."

"For Wallace?" Daisuke grinned and nodded. 

"Yeah, I also like to add them into my paintings." Ken nodded, his mind flashing back to all the paintings, that he had seen, that had different types of plant life in them. "Usually for there meanings, though."

"You study the meanings of flowers?" Daisuke turned and smiled at him, nodding. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Because I don't tell you everything." Was the simple reply; Ken nodded, understanding it. Though it did bother him a bit that he was never told. And again there was a nagging feeling that there was more to that one sentence. That Daisuke was telling him something that held a deeper truth. "Hey, be happy, you're the first to find out!" 

Ken huffed, but quickly got over his annoyance and looked over, at one of flowers on the display window. His eyes narrowed slightly as he tried to identify the plant. Moving closer, he could better distinguish the plant. It was purple, at least that was what he could tell, it was quite dark in the store. Yes, it was purple and there were many buds hanging off a green stem. The buds hung down so it resembled a bell, and it's curled so it looked like they wanted to touch the outside of the flower bud.

"Bluebell." 

"It looks purple." 

A shrug. "I didn't name it."

Daisuke walked over to Ken and leaned forward, brown eyes scrutinizing the flower. Ken smiled a bit, enjoy the close proximity to the other boy. They were close, there shoulders brushing, and though this had happened before, many times actually, Ken couldn't help the small blush that crept across his face. 

"I wish it was brighter." Daisuke said. "Then I could tell for sure."

"Purple." Daisuke chuckled and turned his face to look at Ken. 

"Kindness." Ken arched an eyebrow as Daisuke continued to chuckle.

"What about it?" 

"I'm just amused that you decided to scrutinize a flower that one of its meanings is: kindness." Ken smiled and shrugged.

"It follows me everywhere I go." Ken said softly looking back at the flower. Daisuke looked at him for a moment, then shrugged. He knew what the other was thinking. 

"I see no irony in it." Daisuke said, smiling. Ken nodded, pushing some hair out of his eyes. 

There was a long moment of silence. 

"What else does it mean?" Ken asked looking over at Daisuke who had been examining another flower. 

"Huh?" 

"The bluebell. You said it had more meanings."

Daisuke nodded, then began to think, his eyebrows touching as he scanned his mind. Ken smiled, find the look of intense concentration very cute. 

"Constancy" Daisuke said. He was silent again, his teeth nibbling on his lower lip as he thought. "Uhhhumility and everlasting love." The final meaning was said softly, brown eyes softening a bit and thoughtful smile appearing on his face. 

Ken looked on curiously at the change in Daisuke's facial expression. He couldn't help wonder what had brought that look on his face. What Daisuke had remembered and Ken felt a little jealous. 

_Everlasting love. _

Whose? Was Daisuke in love? That didn't seem right. Daisuke loved no one; he usually scuffed the idea of love ever reaching him. He supposedly lived for the moment, not wanting to be tied down, not letting anyone in. 

_Why do I even bother? _

"Jun has a bluebell pressed in a one of her books." Daisuke finally spoke smiling at Ken. A knowing look in his eyes. "I just remembered who gave it to her." His smiling turned into a goofy grin and Ken found himself inquiring on whom. "

"Ichijouji Osamu." Daisuke said chuckling softly. "You're brother was a big ol' sap." 

Ken's eyes widened at the information. His brother? His brother had loved Jun? Then everything seemed the click. The last few months before his brother's death, he had not been home as much. Heading off somewhere and not letting Ken come with him. That had actually been the reason why Ken was able to take the Digivice and go into the Digital World that time, because Osamu had been out again, doing something. 

_"What are those, Oniisan?" _Identical blue eyes, framed by black glasses, looked down at him warmly. Osamu smiled at his brother, patting his head. 

_"Bluebells." _He said. _"There a present for someone." _And with that he had left, leaving Ken curious on whom would get the flowers. He had planned to ask when Osamu returned, but never got the chance because he had been caught after his trip to the Digital world. He had angered his brother, he had been yelled out, he had been angry. And then

_Bluebellseverlasting loveMotomiya Jun. Oniisan was in love with Jun? _

Why hadn't he been told? Why didn't he know? Daisuke knew, why not him? He had so many questions. Jun knew apart of his bother that Ken would never know. He felt jealous, envious, and even a bit guilty. He had never completely gotten over the feeling that his brother's death was his fault, even though he knew how silly that was. 

"Yo Ken, c'mon." Daisuke said waving his hand frantically in front of Ken's eyes. When Ken blinked, Daisuke stepped back, looking a bit guilty "I'm sorry, I ruined it by bring up your brother." 

Ken shook his head. "No it didn't. I was just surprised. I never knew." 

Daisuke nodded. "It's odd how things work out. neechan and your brother dating and then me and you." 

Ken smiled, shaking his head following Daisuke who had decided to start walking again. 

Was it this hard for you Oniisan? Was Jun this much of a challenge? 

TBC

  1. Kore kara zutto... itsumademomeans for always and forever. Any other words that are in Japanese don't really need to be translated, at least I don't think so. I've been known to be wrong.
  2. The song Jun was sing is called "No! Marionette" and it's by Siam Shade, as stated in the story. I don't own any part of it
  3. I hope that I haven't messed up any of the names for the J-rock group. Siam Shade is one of my favorite J-rock groups but, sadly, I know very little about them. I had to look up the information about their names and what part they play in the group. So, if I'm wrong about anything, please let me know and forgive me. 
  4. People have been telling me that the flashes from past to present are confusing, so I tried a different way, with the Jun/Daisuke scene. Did it help? I'm not sure and I really don't like writing the word flashback'. If it still wasn't any good, let me know, suggestions would be nice, too.
  5. Finally, I'm not exactly happy with this chapter. I apologize for it's major sucky-ness. At least, I think it sucks. But I've already re-done it like fifty times, and I kinda wanna get on with it. So it's stuck with meuntil later. 


	5. Default Chapter

Chapter 4 

Chapter 4

The man stared at him, his emerald eyes trying to bore into his soul. He raised one hand, making the small boy flinch by the action, and pushed strands of black hair out of his eyes. Pink lips were pressed together as if he were thinking about something. He knelt down in front of the boy, still staring deeply into his brown eyes, his hand moving up to touch the boy's soft cheek. 

He smiled a little, rubbing his thumb over the child's lips. The boy trembled, scared. He knew what was to come. No matter how tender the man was to him right now, he knew what was to come. He knew how Fujiwara Yasunori's mind worked. And he didn't like it one bit. 

Like he had any choice. It didn't matter what he liked or disliked. His opinion was worthless. This was something that had been engraved into his head since he was born. He knew every single rule. He followed all the rules all the time. Or at least he was learning to follow the rules all the time. 

He was being taught; this was one of his many sessions. But it wasn't like the others'. He was special—he was taught by the boss. Why? He didn't know. He wasn't suppose to know anything. He wasn't even suppose to think. Just do as he was told. Like a mindless drone. But he couldn't be mindless, he didn't know how. He couldn't just turn off his brain; it wouldn't allow itself to be shut off. And he was happy that it couldn't be turned off, that he could be defiant in some minuscule way, even if he would never let them know. 

He pretended. He wasn't very good at pretending yet. Fujiwara Yasunori always knew when he was pretending. He couldn't hide anything form those eyes, those beautiful, cold emerald eyes. 

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"I think it's time." He didn't have to elaborate for the boy to know what he spoke of. He knew from the other children—the older children—that told him what happened in the rooms above. In the highly expensive looking rooms, with gold and maroon colors every where. Where the large statues of naked men and old-looking paintings of people, he knew nothing about, stared down at him. 

His brown eyes widen in fear. He didn't want to go up there. He didn't want to be where the older children were taken every nights. He could still see them, could still see his best friend come back from one of those nights. Clothes ripped to shreds, exposing once hidden bruises to the light. New bruises and old ones, some over lapping others. So many shades of black and blue. Her face, her pretty little round, porcelain face, no longer pretty. Shattered, marks, so many marks. 

Pink lips twisted into a malicious grin at the sight of the widened eyes. One slim hand came out to trace long piano fingers down the curves of tanned cheeks. He shivered, he was scared. He shouldn't have been scared. This had happened before, he knew what to expect. But he was still scared, at least he didn't cry anymore. 

He bit his lip and tired to keep from shaking. He had to be brave. It was the only thing he could do. There was no where to run, no one would help him. He had to be brave and take what was done to him without complaint. This was his role in life and he could not change it no matter how much he disliked it. So he had to face it bravely. 

He had always been a brave boy…

***

"Then what happened?" 

"He kissed me."

"He kissed you! On the lips?"

"No Takeru, not on the lips." A moment of silence. "Of course on the lips! Baka!" 

Takeru leaned back, becoming more comfortable on Daisuke's couch. He took another sip of his soda, watching as Daisuke moved about the room, looking for a take out menu. 

It was Tuesday night, which meant that Takeru was at Daisuke's apartment. There was not a person—which knew them—that didn't know where to find these two men on Tuesday nights. It had been a ritual that had begun somewhere around the age of thirteen and had gone on since then. Even after both had moved out of their parents' apartments, they still continued the ritual. Though this meeting had been postponed for two weeks since Takeru had to leave to Shimane to help his mother sell his grandmother's old home. But now he had returned and the Tuesday night bonding sessions continued.

Tuesday nights were their time of bonding and having fun. On this day they could play video games, watch movies, make food for each other, talk, and do just about anything else. Male bonding, something that the two boys had decided to do for the simple reason to get to know each other better. They knew that the better they knew the other, the more understanding they'd be towards the other, which meant less fighting. This making the other Chosen Children much happier. 

This night was no different form the other, except for the topic. It was one of revelations or it would lead to revelations and introspection. 

"I can't believe he finally went for it." Takeru chuckled now looking through the various movie titles that Daisuke had collected over the years. Classic movies, humor, horror—all the genres were there form anywhere around the world. Daisuke had always been into movies, saying that they inspired his art. 

"Huh?" Daisuke asked his voice sounded slightly strained because he was trying to reach the take out menu that was situated under the couch. "What do you mean 'finally went for it'?" 

Takeru chuckled watching as his friend struggled to get the piece of paper. One hand running through his blond hair as he leaned against the wall. 

"Ken's liked you for a long time, Daisuke." Takeru said. 

There was a long silence; one that was only broken by Daisuke's muffled curses. Then finally: "Ha! Got it!" The redhead grinned jumping up and over the couch. Making a beeline for the telephone. Takeru's eyes following his every move with amusement. 

"You did hear me, na?" Takeru asked. Daisuke nodded briefly, his fingers punching in the phone number of the take out place. He placed his ear on the telephone, while turning towards Takeru. 

"Yeah, I heard you." Came the reply. "I can't believe it though. Always though he had a thing for Miyako or something." Takeru laughed and shook his head, but couldn't reply because Daisuke had begun to make their order. 

Takeru sighed, shaking his head as he walked towards the couch again. He sat down, staring at different paintings lining the wall in front of him. Canvases after canvases lined together some resting on top of others. The ones in front were always the most recent or unfinished. He could see light sketches on some, while others had some color on them. 

Takeru smiled, Daisuke never was working on just one painting, always three or four, sometimes even more then that at a time. He would always begin one painting and then get some inspiration and start another, always making his progress slower. Takeru would wonder how Wallace put up with Daisuke. American's weren't known for their patients and one had to have a lot of patients when asking Daisuke to do some artwork for them. 

Takeru continued to look at the different canvases while still musing over Daisuke's laziness, when his eyes came across a painting. It was fairly recent since it was still on the front row, but it had been finished. 

Blue eyes narrowed as they scrutinized the image. It was a girl. A pretty girl, with a round face and porcelain colored skin, large round brown eyes and long black hair. She was dressed in what seemed to be a kimono; one with rose petal prints. 

But that wasn't what had attracted Takeru, what attracted his attention had been her mannerism. Her eyes large and terrified as she seemed to walk through darkness. There was no way else for Takeru to put it. She was walking through darkness. Shadows seeming to rip her kimono apart, slashing and bruising her pretty face. Her obi, which was a deep shade of emerald green, seemed to be tighter then one usually would be. Gripping tightly around her waist and the tighter it gripped the more the green glowed. 

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Takeru, baka, it's a painting. He thought looking away for a second before looking back at the painting. _Stop imagining things. The green isn't glowing and it isn't tightening, paintings aren't animated, they can't move…_

He continued to look at the image, berating himself for imagining—and almost believing—silly things. It was a painting, he continued to tell himself, something that was created from Daisuke wrapped subconscious. 

Takeru had come to be able to tell when Daisuke drew from his conscious or from his subconscious. A talent he acquired in high school art class, when his teacher had created an exercise. 

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"Just paint!" He had said, _"Don't worry about what you're painting and don't stop to correct or change anything because it seems wrong!"_

It had been an exercise that they had practiced throughout the whole year. At times they would paint while paying attention to detail and mistakes, and other times just painting and not worrying about anything. That how Takeru realized Daisuke different artistic styles—his subconscious and conscious styles. 

They were both similar, but they had their differences. Differences that were so obvious that even someone as art-impaired, as Takeru liked to call himself, could catch them. 

The first style, Daisuke's subconscious style, always used two color. Black and green, but not just any green an emerald green. Black could come in different tones and shades, but the green would always be emerald. There was also a feeling of terror. Sometimes it would be apparent like in the painting of the girl, but other times it wouldn't be. The painting would just give off fear like a vibe. 

His second style was his conscious style. It was a style almost that used green; all of Daisuke's conscious paintings were void of that color. And the fear vibe was never there, the painting could be about fear and it wouldn't as tangible as it was in his other paintings. 

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I never understood why either? Takeru thought, staring harder at the picture. _What is it about the green that's so scary? Whatever is bad is green…_

"Food'll be here in a bit." Daisuke called out as he hopped over the couch, landing on the spot next to Takeru. Takeru nodded.

"Whatcha order?" Takeru asked, looking back at Daisuke. 

"Foreign food." Takeru arched an eyebrow.

"How foreign?" 

"You'll see." 

"Should I be frightened?" Daisuke laughed then leaned forward to grab the remote control. Turning on the Television, he began to flip channels as he looked for something interesting to watch. The two men lapsing into a comfortable silence.

"Daisuke, how do you feel about Ken?" Daisuke raised his head in surprised, looking at Takeru who had his head down and was playing with dinner—which was a Chicken and Zucchini couscous. 

"Nani?" Daisuke asked. Takeru looked up at him, blue eyes clouded with worry.

"Daisuke, you two are like my best friends in the whole world and I don't wanna see you hurt." Takeru explained, he turned his head and looked at the painting again. The little girl's eyes were so wide, so scared. The green obi seemed to be holding on so tightly. It seemed like it would never let go. "I know your record when it comes to dating…" 

Takeru didn't have to finish his thoughts for Daisuke to know what he was talking about. The same thing they would always talk about. Or better said: the same thing that Takeru would always talk about. Daisuke didn't want to speak of it. He could live his life perfectly well without having to discuss his messed up love life. But Takeru wouldn't let things be no matter how much Daisuke asked him too. 

The silence in the room disturbed Takeru and for some unknown reason his eyes kept traveling back to that one painting. After some time he decided to continue talking since it seemed that Daisuke had decided to ignore the question completely. 

"Daisuke…" The red head didn't look up from his food, this annoying Takeru slightly. "Daisuke, this isn't like any of the other people you've dated. This is Ken. You're best friend. Can you really risk your relationship like this?" Still no answer. "Daisuke, do you have feelings for him or is this just another fling?" 

Daisuke looked up from his dinner and looked at his best friend. Brown eyes meeting blue for a long moment, one full of worry the other unreadable. The minutes ticked on with unbearable slowness as Takeru waited for an answer. Finally, Daisuke turned his head, break their seemingly locked gazes, and looked over to the picture of the scared little girl. His eyes shifting and staring directly at the emerald-green obi.

"What I feel doesn't matter." 

TBC 


	6. Default Chapter

Chapter 5

If one to three of every ten students is either gay, lesbian, bisexual or has an immediate family member who is, then there should not be a four to five times more likelihood of homosexuals becoming depressed…?* 

The sound of typing suddenly stopped as Ken stared at his monitor, his eyes narrowing as he tired to decipher what he found wrong about the sentence—besides the obvious. He leaned back, rubbing his eyes and trying to decide if he should reword the statement and if he did, just exactly how? Something that usually wasn't a problem with Ichijouji Ken, who's forte was writing. 

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Why can't I get this right! 

He stared at the screen again, trying to will the sentence to change with his mind but finding that he lacked the concentration to do so. 

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Ha! So we find the root of the problem at last! 

Concentration. He could not concentrate no matter how hard he tried. Which was very strange for him, since he never had concentration problems, something that Ken was very proud of. But for some reason he could not keep his mind on the work in front of him. And the subject wasn't even the reason, it was the same with all the other subjects. Nothing could hold his attention for long.

__

A person's mind will wander off every half a minute. 

Ken blinked. "Who cares?" He asked himself, leaning back in his chair. "That was such a useless piece of information." Long slender fingers rose to rub his eyes. "Why can't I concentrate?" 

Before Ken could begin to search for the answer there was a knock at the door. He stood and walked towards the door, buttoning up his shirt as he did so. Why was it so hot in his apartment anyway? He reached the door, finished straightening out his shirt, leaving the first two buttons undone and opened the door to find Takeru standing there smiling very cutely. 

"Ojamashimasu!" the blond cried out as he took off his shoes and entered the apartment. Ken shook his head and sighed—at least Takeru was polite when he barged in—closing the door behind him and followed his friend back into the living room. 

"Konichiwa Souma-kun!" Takeru called in the direction of one of the bedrooms. 

"Junta left this morning." Ken informed dropping himself back in the chair in front of his computer. "He said he won't back for the week." 

Takeru pouted. "Oh…I was hoping he'd take me out again." 

"And here I thought you came to see me. I'm hurt." Ken grinned.

"Hn. Whose fault was it for getting the hot roommate!" Takeru shot back. Ken glared at him but the smile on his face negated any effect it would have had on the blond. 

There was a bit of a silence after that. Something that was normal between the two friends. The two never liked to speak when they had nothing to say, and so there would be long comfortable silences between them, silences that could stretch on for hours even. But this was not going to happen this time, Takeru had something on his mind, Ken could tell. Takeru had not just come in search of his roommate; there was something else. Something that Ken could tell was troubling Takeru. 

"What's wrong?" Ken asked, saving his work and turning off the computer. Takeru looked at him, they're blue eyes meeting, and sighed a bit. Leaning back into the couch, blue eyes stared up at the ceiling. 

"I'm just kinda worried, is all." Takeru said. Ken arched one delicate eyebrow.

"About?" Takeru turned his head, blond wisps falling over pools of blue. 

"Classes, my parents, Yamato, Hikari, you…Daisuke." Ken nodded, looking away for a moment then back at him. He nodded to his friend again, this time indicating that he was ready to listen to whatever Takeru had to say. 

Takeru began, but not with the subject that was truly bothering him—that of Daisuke and Ken's relationship. He was to uncomfortable bring that up, it had taken a lot to get himself to bring it up with Daisuke, and he had not liked the answer he had received—

__

"What I feel doesn't matter." 

—so he was somewhat afraid of the answer that he would get from Ken. That was why he began with the subject of his parents and his brother, hoping to build up towards his friends' shaky relationship. Though he had told Ken that he was worried about them, to make sure that if he didn't Ken would at least ask. Takeru knew he had to talk to Ken about it. No matter what, he had too. 

Ken listened silently to his friend as he spoke, Takeru spoke of the same thing he had spoken about before. The same family problems that Ken could never truly understand but could only sympathize. He was never sure if the advice he gave the blond was any good, he never felt he had enough experience for giving advice on that type of subject. But he tired, just as Takeru tried for him. It made him feel good knowing that his friends could count on him as he could count on them. 

Another silence reigned when Takeru was done talking about his other problems, there was only one more to go and Takeru wasn't quite sure how to broach the subject. Turning his head he looked at the clock that hung on the far wall.

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Six. He had been there for almost five hours and had not been aware of it. He looked over at Ken who had stood and was heading over to kitchen, Takeru knew, with out being told, that he was staying for dinner and he wondered vaguely what it was that Ken was making and if it would be good. Ken was never much of a cook, he could only make two dishes well—okonomiyaki and yakiniku—everything else was pretty much a health hazard. 

Takeru stood up and followed his friend, rolling up his sleeves to try and alleviate some of the heat he felt. Why was Ken's apartment so hot? He leaned against the frame of the doorway and watched as Ken searched through the kitchen cabinets, small curses escaping him every once in a while. It seemed Junta had not done the grocery shopping like he was suppose to, Takeru chuckled at that. Ken turned and looked at him, smiling wearily.

"I think I'm going to have to order out." He said sounding apologetic; Takeru didn't even try to persuade him not to buy anything. Ken wouldn't listen, he liked playing host too much. "Well, unless you want to have Junta's Monpuchi." 

"No, that's okay, I'm not all that fond of cat food." Takeru declined making a face. Ken nodded. 

"Me neither." He said wandering over to the phone. Takeru smiled and took a seat on the couch. He watched silently as Ken made a phone call, knowing that when the indigo haired man was done, he would have to talk to him about what Takeru had come to talk to him about. 

__

"What I feel doesn't matter." 

Takeru sighed, Daisuke couldn't have really meant that, could he? He didn't know, but it had upset him greatly to hear those words come out of the other man's mouth. It was all too reminiscent of Daisuke and Hikari's relationship, it was all to one sided and Daisuke was going to be as distant with Ken as he had been with Hikari. Which meant that Ken's heart was going to break when he finally broke up with Daisuke (because Daisuke never broke it off, it was always the other). Takeru knew that the indigo haired boy was going to hurt even more then Hikari had. 

__

"I love Daisuke…he's everything to me." 

"What I feel doesn't matter."

Takeru bit his lip, remembering those words uttered so softly long ago and then what Daisuke had said only days before. He didn't know what to make of it, what he could do to help the situation. He wanted to help, make it so his to friends could live happily ever after. _No fights, no arguments, no break ups. Just happy together forever…_

"Na Ken, chotto matte." Ken looked at him for a second, placing the phone down and walking over to his blond friend, he could sense something was wrong just by the way that Takeru's voice trembled. Placing a hand on the blond shoulder, he gave Takeru a look that told the blond that he held Ken's complete and total attention. 

"About you and Daisuke." Takeru began, a little unsure of how to begin. "How do you think you two are doing, y'know as a couple?" 

Ken was a bit taken back by the question; he had been expecting something a little more serious. Something that would be more painful, but not that question. 

"Fine—"

"Think about it carefully, Ken. Onegaishimasu." 

Ken stared at Takeru for a moment, a bemused expression settling on his face. But he did as he was told. He began to examine his relationship with Daisuke over the past month. All they had done, all that had happened between them, all the little expressions that came to Daisuke's face every once in a while, the ones that made him wonder what Daisuke was feeling at the time. If he had done something to upset the man. And everything that he felt. How happy did Ken feel? Was he happy? He felt happy. 

"Okay I guess, we're not perfect but what relationship is perfect?" Ken replied. "Why?" 

Takeru sighed, he was hoping that Ken had at least noticed something. But it seemed that he hadn't and how he had hoped that Ken had because Takeru didn't really want to be the one to break it to him. He also didn't want to tell Ken about what Daisuke had said. It made him feel like he was betraying Daisuke's trust. But he knew he had to, it was important. He didn't want to see them hurt. He'd just let Daisuke beat the crap out of him, that would make them even…he hoped 

"Ken, I-I don't think that it's going okay. Yours and Daisuke's relationship, I mean." He began, looking away from Ken. "It's going the same way it did when Hikari and Daisuke were dating." 

Ken's eyes widened at the information, his eyes shimmering slightly with hurt, fear and confusion before hardening. 

__

"I love Daisuke…he's everything to me."

"How do you know? Takeru, how can you just say that?" 

Takeru still didn't look at Ken; he had been expecting this. He knew this was how Ken would react. It was only natural that he would react this way, but it was Takeru's fault that Ken was so upset and that made him feel worse then before. 

__

I've gotta do this! Takeru told himself taking a deep breath and looking back at Ken, whom was looking back at him expectantly. Staring straight into his best friend's eyes, trying to convey as much support and caring as possible. He told the indigo haired man all that he had been suspecting. He told him about how he had been paying attention to the way Daisuke and Ken had been acting, told him how he had asked the other Chosen Children what they thought about the two men's relationship. And finally he told Ken about his conversation with Daisuke, his hands raising to roll up his sleeves some more, the heat was really starting to get to Takeru. 

He told the man before him everything watching as the expressions on Ken's face changed. Disbelief, horror, hurt, pain, fear—he could see them all clearly and it hurt Takeru immensely. 

Ken closed his eyes, one hand raising up to rub his eyes, his head shaking slightly. He moved towards the couch and sat down, Takeru following quietly behind him, giving him time to process what he had just heard. The silence was no where near as comfortable as all the others were, it was so uncomfortable that Takeru couldn't help but fidget a little. Trying to find something to take his mind off the waiting. 

"I don't understand…did I do something wrong?" 

***

They sat quietly in the dark room, arms wrapped around each other. His head resting comfortably on the man's shoulder, slightly callused fingers running through indigo tresses. He sighed snuggling deeper into the warmth and he heard a small chuckle above him making him smile too. It was serene, so serene, and so peaceful; just the way he wanted it, just the way he always thought it would be. These small private moments between himself and Daisuke, nothing but a serene warmth, nothing but the feeling of being complete, of being where he belonged. He was happy—so happy. He never wanted to move. He just wanted to sink deeper into the form above him, be surrounded completely by Daisuke's warmth and forget that he even existed. 

Light kisses pressed in his hair, strong arms tightening around his slender waist, he shifted a little trying to accommodate for the differences in their height—Daisuke had always been shorter then him. It wasn't important though, the warm feelings negated almost anything that wasn't part of the complete tranquillity that he was experiencing. 

Daisuke began to hum softly, not breaking the serenity only adding to it. And Ken began to listen to the soft humming, a part of his mind wondering what he was humming and then it came to him and he smiled, his lips parting without him even realizing it. 

"Ikutsumo no tane wo ano oka e ukabete 

Kirei na hana wo shikitsumete ageru 

Hayaku mitsukete mitsukete 

Koko ni iru kara 

Okosareru no wo matteru no ni 

Itsu demo kimi no egao ni yurete"*****

Daisuke grinned and continued to hum while Ken sang along. His mind barely going over each lyric of the song. The soft words sung so passionately, he remembered each word perfectly now as he sang along to Daisuke's humming. 

So many seeds have I sent to that hill 

To fill it with beautiful flowers 

Hurry and find me, find me, I will be here 

Waiting to be awoken 

Always I sway with your smile* 

As they continued to go through the song, Ken raised his eyes and looked at Daisuke through his bangs. He noticed, with a frown, the melancholy look on his face. And he found himself wondering what Daisuke was thinking. Why had he chosen to sing that song? Such a melancholy song, not something that Daisuke usually listened to. And why singing it then, when they were holding each other so tenderly? Why that song? Why not another? One that went a long better with the moment?   
It was all very strange to him, but then he told himself that he was seeing too much into nothing. The song could have just been stuck in Daisuke's head, or he could have just begun to think of something that had lead to him humming the song. It wasn't like they had been having any sort of conversation, their minds being free to wander as they held each other. Not to mention that the song was melancholy enough to make Daisuke look sad, Ken was just seeing way too much into nothing—being overly critical, overly analytical. 

__

"Na Ken, are you comfortable?" Daisuke suddenly asked, looking down at Ken who was caught slight off guard by the question. He hadn't been expecting it, but smiled at Daisuke for caring. 

__

"Hai Daisuke, I'm fine." Ken replied, sitting up a little so that he could look at Daisuke. _"But I think that I should be asking you that. I could have made your arm fall sleep, me lying on it like that."_

Daisuke shook his head. _"It wouldn't matter if it did anyway."_

Ken blushed at that, feeling way too special and getting slightly annoyed with Daisuke for making him feel that way because it always made him blush and feel embarrassed. 

Daisuke smiled at him and leaned in to brush his lips across his. 

__

"Do you know how cute you are when you blush?" 

Ken felt his face become hotter and he turned away, hiding his face with his hair. He frowned a little, angry with himself for acting like a girl form a shojou manga. He looked back at Daisuke, still frowning and Daisuke looked back at him. That lazy smile of his disappearing to be replaced with a different one, a curious one—his brown eyes seeming to swirl, they looked worried, upset and a bit frightened. But Ken didn't think much of it at the moment at the time, attributing it to the fact that he knew he was frowning at Daisuke. 

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"You mind not being so sappy, it's too weird." Ken said. Daisuke nodded almost instantly, not cracking a joke, or even thinking about it. Just instantly agreeing, as if given an order that he had no right to comment on or question. 

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"Sorry for making you uncomfortable." Brown eyes lowered, avoiding Ken's eyes. And Ken bit his lip, becoming upset with himself for hurting Daisuke's feelings. He should have been more sensitive, should have taken into consideration that those words were a manifestation of Daisuke's feelings towards him. 

__

"No, it's okay." He shifted closer to the shorter man, cupping Daisuke's cheek with his hand. His other hand reaching behind Daisuke's head, long fingers playing with short red strands of hair, then taking hold of the back of his head, pulling his head forward.

Ken smiled at him; their lips meeting—an I'm sorry kiss, Ken thought smiling. Daisuke kissed back immediately, opening his mouth for Ken to enter without hesitation. Ken's tongue moved in, not letting the opportunity to explore Daisuke's mouth go to waste, and met with Daisuke's tongue, they rubbed sensually making them moan. Hands roaming all over the others body, never breaking the kiss, Daisuke moved forward pushing Ken down, straddling him. 

Lips parted and opened for breath, Daisuke's head moving down, descending as he left a trail of kiss down the Ken's cheek, chin, neck. Ken gasped, his hands running up and down Daisuke's back.

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"Daisuke…" 

"You want me to stop? Wanna change places?" Brown eyes peered into blue, waiting patiently for an order of some kind. Ken smiled up at him, eyes half lidded. 

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"Daisuke, make love to me" 

Daisuke looked at him for a moment, eyes flashing with something unreadable, then they darkened with lust, Ken guessed. He leaned down, his lips brushing over Ken's as he spoke. 

__

"As you wish…" 

They kissed. 

***

"Ken, I don't know, I really don't know." Takeru said, watching his friend from his place on the couch. Ken looked at him, blue eyes melting with the heat of his pain. Long pale fingers ran through his indigo hair, his head turning to look out the window. 

"Couldn't you just be seeing too much into it?" Ken asked hopefully. Takeru shook his head, grimacing at the crest fallen expression on his friend's face. "But…I haven't noticed anything…none of the signs. It's all going well." 

Takeru shook his head again, scooting over and wrapping an arm around his friend. Ken sighed and rested his head on Takeru's shoulder. 

"I don't think you would've noticed even if it was right in your face, Ken." Takeru said, looking away towards nothing in particular. "You're kinda blinded by love." He smiled a little. "Now we know why they created that expression." 

There was another silence in the room, just as uncomfortable as the last and Takeru tried to think of something to say, something that would help—anything would do. 

"He really said that? About his feelings not mattering?" Takeru nodded, "How could he say that? Maybe he was just trying to be really nice, like—"

"Iya" Takeru interrupted. "You know exactly what it meant, because you know Daisuke. You know Daisuke as well as I do. You've watched relationship after relationship fall apart because of his apathy."

"Then why'd he say yes!" Ken sat up staring straight into Takeru's eyes. "Why'd he say yes to going out with me if he didn't care—if he didn't like me like that. If he didn't want to like me like that. He would've said no, I'm not just some random fuck and he knows better then to treat me like that. I'm more important then that, I've gotta be." 

"Hikari wasn't just some random fuck either, Ken." Takeru said. "Hikari asked him out, Hikari broke up with him. Hikari wasn't just some random fuck; they started as friends, just like you and Ken. They're relationship lasted three months, didn't it? How long do you think yours will? Maybe a six months, maybe a year but that's because _you_ love him, you'll want to hold on. Will he? How do you know he's not just waiting, waiting for you say it's over—cause you know he's not gonna say it. 

"Ken, your relationship with him isn't going anywhere, and will continue to go no where if you don't stop walking down the same path he and Hikari did!" 

Takeru stop talking, not wanting to continue, tried of seeing that pained expression, tried of being the one putting that pained expression on Ken's face. Was he really help by breaking the blissful bubble Ken was in? He didn't know; all he knew was that talking to Daisuke didn't help. The red head continued to be stubborn, to act like nothing was wrong, to act as if it wasn't important. But would hurting Ken like this help, would getting Ken to realize how dysfunctional their relationship really was help change it? 

Ken looked at him; blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears, when was the last time Ken had cried? Takeru remembered exactly when it was, all those years ago, when they were still young and stupid. It wasn't for the same reason that he was about to cry now. This was a different reason, Ken was hurting more then he did before. And it was all his fault, his fault and Daisuke's for having a problem he refused to deal with. For agreeing to date Ken knowing full well what it would lead to. They had both hurt Ken, something they had promised never to do. 

Takeru moved forward, wrapping his arms around the blue haired man and holding him tightly. Ken shuddered in his arms, he wasn't the weakest of the three but was the one that had the least trouble showing his emotion, something that Takeru envied Ken for and was happy for at the moment. The last thing the blue haired man needed to do was try and keep some stupid macho façade. 

Takeru's arms tightened around his friend's slender waist, pulling him closer, aware of how much hotter it had become since before. The emotions in the room making it much hotter then the heater could ever make it. As Ken sobbed his desperation out on to Takeru's shoulder. 

"What am I suppose to do, Takeru?" Ken whispered. "I'm no good at stuff like this. I don't know if I can just go over there and confront Daisuke."

"It's okay, you don't gotta do it immediately." Takeru said. "Just think about it for a while, it'll come to you. You won't lose Daisuke. I'll help if you want. Anything for a friend, na?" 

"Domo" Ken whispered and Takeru smiled, Ken wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Sorry, I lost control." He sniffled again, trying to control himself but he wasn't quite sure he could. Takeru smiled at him. 

"It's all right." Pale fingers raised to run through blue hair. "You can always break down in front or on me. I don't care, I won't move 'til you want me too."

"Arigato" He pressed his face deeper into Takeru's shoulder and continued to cry, vaguely aware of the fact that he was staining his friend's shirt with his tears. His mind more focused on his problem, on his stupidity, and how naïve he had been for thinking that he could have a smooth problem free relationship with Daisuke. For believing that he was different then the others, that it wouldn't happen to him. 

He should have known this would happen, he should have seen it coming. He had seen it so many times before. Had watched relationship after relationship deteriorate, as Daisuke did nothing to stop. He saw each meaningless relationship go by and more come to take its place. He should have seen it coming. He should have prepared. And maybe he should have never started it in the first place. Should have just stayed admiring and loving Daisuke from afar. But did it really hurt less now then it did before? At least now he had a chance. Would he really give that up to go back to the way it had once been? 

He didn't want to, he couldn't give it up. He had been so close; he had been held and had held Daisuke. Had felt the other man's lips on his, had sat around for hours doing absolutely nothing but holding each other. He didn't want to lose that—he wanted more. He wanted Daisuke to feel what he felt; he wanted to know what it was that kept Daisuke from feeling it. He wanted to be the first to show how him how it felt to love, just like Daisuke had shown him so many things. 

Ken sat there, his heading resting comfortably in Takeru's arms and Takeru's arms wrapped tightly around his waste, as he thought and processed everything that went through his head that concerned Motomiya Daisuke. And Takeru had kept his word, never once moving while Ken thought. Being the pillar of support he need at the moment. 

TBC

****

* The last time I checked, which was about three to four months ago, those statistics were true. I don't know what they are now since I haven't had a reason to check. If anyone cares to know the new ones email me and I'll try and see if I can find the place I got the info from and let you know. Either that or lead you in the right direction. 

****

* Flower by L'Arc~en~Ciel, so you know I ain't write it myself. And everyone should go get that song now because it's wonderful! Hyde has such a beautiful voice.

****

* For anyone who doesn't know that's the translation to the romaji(sp?) above it. I didn't translate the words, got it from some webpage a while back when I was trying to learn the words to the song and stuff. Can't remember where though. 


	7. Default Chapter

Chapter 6 

__

There's so much a man can tell you, so much he can say  
You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain  
Baby, to me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny  
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?  
--Seal 

Motomiya Daisuke is everything to me, I don't exactly remember when I realized it. It feels as if I have always known, but I know better. I know how I had originally felt when I first met the red head—animosity in the purest sense of the word. With some admiration of course. And I know how I felt afterwards. I can almost remember the feelings shift—hatred, disbelief, gratitude, friendship, and finally love. It happened so slowly that it almost feels as if it has taken eons to happen. But only some years have past during the transitions, some happening in the span of a few minutes. Maybe it started in junior high school, maybe in high school; I seem to can't remember when. 

Looking back on my life I have realized I can break it into categories—my life while you were alive, oniisan, my life after your death, and my life since I have meet Daisuke. While I was with you, Osamu, life was somewhat balanced, I was neither too happy nor too miserable. My feelings for you varied depending on the days and how you treated me. My feelings on everything depended on how my family interacted with me. But that's normal, when a child your family is everything. 

Yes, I hated you brother, at times; but I never wanted anything bad to happen to you. I now understand what my innocence could not grasp. Even though I hated you, Osamu, that day so long ago, and even though I wished for your death with all of my being. I was not the cause of it. And as I run my hand over the carvings of your name on this head stone, I know that what happened was just a twisted coincidence, my wishing your death and then you getting hit by that car. But I was so young and those two incidents plagued my young mind and I hated you for dying and leaving me here to grieve your death.

You were punishing me, or so I thought. 

From the misery of a lost, confused and pained child came an evil that no one could have ever seen coming, but was still there none the less. Your death gave my darker side the power to blossom into a deadly entity. And it took the opportunity that I was so distraught, using the help from the outside evils to create something new…something that was a combination of my own hatred and yourself, brother. It created the Digimon Kaiser, the Lord and Keeper of Darkness. 

And Ichijouji Ken, the one you knew and loved and tormented was plunged into darkness, lost, afraid and too anguished and angry to try and find his way to light again. The Kaiser took advantage of that, playing on my fears and insecurities, touching and caressing me. And I was so starved for forgiveness and the warmth that forgiveness brought with it that I moved towards the caress. I believed those whispered words letting myself fall into darkness, for darkness could be just as comforting as light. 

I was comfortable oniisan; you have no idea how comfortable I was. When one release their humanity like I had—the way the Kaiser had shown me—one cares nothing for old grievances. So I forgot you, Osamu. I forgot my guilt over your death and I was happy. My guilt left me, but so did my conscious and I didn't care what I did to those under me. To those innocent creatures that had nothing to do with the anger that still festered in me. That same anger that the Kaiser fed off. 

Do you know how many I have tortured hiding behind your visage? Yes, oniisan, for when the Kaiser came, he came as you. At the time I never noticed that I would wear your hairdo, make that same twisted smile you'd make when plotting mischief, speak just as you did to me to Wormmon. But you were never truly bad, oniisan.

The Kaiser twisted your memory, Osamu. Made you into something with out remorse, something that hated me unconditionally. And I reflected that hate, like a mirror. Twisted, backwards onto the innocent…on to my Wormmon. 

I hurt so many—you, Wormmon, my parents, and so many Digimon. I was perpetually lost in darkness. And I would have stayed lost if it weren't for the Chosen Children taking me down with such ferocity. 

So it would have ended, the invincible Digital Kaiser falling to light of the golden warrior lizard, whom used the power that was originally his to begin with. Doomed to be a miserable failure and grieve once more—the weight of guilt doubling…tripling. I had hurt so many, tortured so many, killed without remorse. I had defiled your memory, oniisan. I would have taken my life. The guilt was tremendous…I would have taken my life. Oniisan, I was planning it as I held the dying Wormmon in my arms. 

You have Daisuke to thank for keeping that from happening. I remember it so clearly, his eyes were so warm, so pained, so forgiving. He walked up to me and gave me my crest. He told me it was mine that it belonged to me. The crest of Kindness. How could he possibly know something like that? He told me that I belonged with them. Such honesty, Osamu, I had never seen in my life. It radiated from him like light but when I looked at the other Chosen I didn't see the same warmth, they were still angry. Though some held looks of pity. There was no pity in Daisuke's eyes, strangely there was understanding. There was no understanding in the eyes of the others.

I couldn't face them, even facing Daisuke—whom had already forgiven me, it seemed—it was too difficult. I left, but I couldn't take my life. No matter how hard I tired, I couldn't. Coming home to my parents and seeing their expressions of joy and relief. I couldn't hurt them anymore. I had lost my apathy towards other people's feels. I couldn't forget the look of pure love in their eyes. And I couldn't forget Daisuke's warmth, his forgiveness. Somewhere deep inside I knew he cared enough to help me and that tiny bit of knowledge kept me from taking those pills. 

You should know, Osamu, that ever since I opened up to him I've lost so much of my darkness, and have been able to control what was left. It took a long time, but his persistence helped, keeping me from giving up. 

But oniisan tell me, have I really done anything for him? I wonder that sometimes and these days, a lot more. Daisuke has done so much me, helped me in so many ways. But what have I ever done for him? It's clear that he is hurting—has been for so long. What is hurting him? I don't know. Sometimes I look into his eyes and they swirl with pain, even behind that ever-present happiness. There is pain and I wonder how real his happiness is…or at least, how far down does it go? 

Oh Osamu, all I ever do is take. Constantly, like a spoiled child that wants everything. I take everything he gives and never once does he complain. Does he say, what's in it for me? He just smiles at me and continues to give me things. 

He gave me back my life. He gave me new and real friends. He made the Chosen except me, and I believe he made them believe that there was no other course to take. For me to be with them was as destined as they were to carry the Digivice. Takeru and I would have probably never spoken again if it weren't for him. My pride was still hurt from being defeated by him in hand to hand combat and I was so angry—scared to see the anger and hatred in his eyes. The same anger that inflamed his clear blue eyes. Who would have thought that I'd one day have no qualms with crying in Takeru's arms? Who would have thought one day Takeru would hurt when I hurt? Daisuke probably thought that and made it happen. 

But still, those are the things he did for me…so many things, things I haven't even mentioned. Every time I think back I can see him doing something for me. But I never see myself doing anything for his pain. I never really tried to slay his dragons, I've left him alone to fight them himself. And all he can do is restrain them. Why haven't I helped him? Maybe cause he is the light in my darkness, light should have no problems? Bullshit. Am I just inattentive? No, I think about him so much, when I'm with him I'm always aware, watching. I know he's hurting. I just don't know why. 

And he won't tell me why! Never tells me when he's hurt! Never wants anyone to know when he's in pain. Makes sure no one knows why he hurts. We all know something bothers him, keeps that smile from reaching his eyes. And all we do is watch…

And all I do is just watch, always drawn more and more to his radiance. But now is when I have really become aware of the shadow that dims that radiance. It had always been there and I know that I had known about it, but now I am aware of it. So aware that when I look at him, be it in pictures or in reality, I can see it…that dark shadow hovering almost protectively over him. Keeping us apart, keeping me from touching him the way he has touched me.

And it drives me crazy! I can't help him, the way he helps me. Brother, I am lost again. I don't know why I cannot help him. I don't know why I can not just forget him either—why I could never forget him. Why would I want to forget him now, you ask? Because it's so painful loving him and knowing he doesn't care. His apathy for my feelings for him is killing me oniisan, but I keep coming back. Like a drug addict, I come back for more knowing it's bad for me but yet loving the euphoria it brings too much to quit. Knowing that it will probably kill me, I come back for more. 

If I must die, I want it to be him that kills me. 

*** 

He blinked looking up at the man standing before him; the difference in their height was immense. But that was to be expected, he was a man while Daisuke was only a boy. Large brown eyes stared into endless green, the eyes of the only man that Daisuke knew as father. At a much younger age he had even dared to call him 'papa' but soon learned what the correct way to address the man before him was. He now knew that this man was not his father, but he was the only thing close enough to a father Daisuke had ever had and would ever have. 

He had learned that when he was four, and now at the age of six he knew no other truth. Late at night, he would even think about what it would be like to have Fujiwara Yasunori as a real father. Just like in the picture books that Ayumi-chan would read to him to get him to sleep when he was younger and afraid of the dark. He would sit and think of what it would be like to have Fujiwara Yasunori teach him how to play baseball or wonder if he would sit at the table and read the newspaper at breakfast while his mother, Ayumi-chan, would set the food on the table. But all of that was stupid, he knew that he lived the perfect life right now. Well considering his situation, that is. He wasn't so bad off, not like the rest of the children, not like the older kids. Fujiwara Yasunori was like a father, he protected him. Daisuke was his favorite, and was kept for the special and important people to use. Daisuke smiled, proud to be so important. 

Though he was once scared, when it had all first began, when he had his first experience, it had been terrifying. He had been scared during his training. Scared of the man in front of him. Scared of things that would be done to him. Scared of the things that would happen to him. The things that happened to the other children. But now he was use to it, he knew exactly what he had to do, it was something that had been programmed into him in such painful ways so that he would never forget. And he never intended on forgetting. He wasn't to partial to pain and he had seen what the punishment was for those who crossed the line, those who forgot the rules. Those who forget their only task in life. 

Daisuke understood his task in his life and he couldn't understand how anyone could forget what they had been born for. Fujiwara Yasunori had explained it to him once and he understood. But it had taken a very long time for him to get it right. He remembered exactly the words that were told to him that day, spoken firmly and in a way that made it impossible for Daisuke to think otherwise. 

__

"Every person born into this world has a propose." He had said, looking straight in to Daisuke's eyes with his jade eyes, straight into his soul. _"But since your birth was unwanted, we don't know what it is. So it is my job to give you one, just like all the other worthless, abandon children here. For you all most have a purpose in life, na Shun?" _

Daisuke had nodded automatically, thanking him for troubling himself with rift-raft like himself and the other children. This great man had taken time out of his own life to help them find a role in society. All of them, worthless, useless and unwanted but now they weren't. Now they had a purpose—a role—something to do with themselves and even a place to stay. It was all thanks to him, Fujiwara Yasunori. 

Daisuke understood his task, his purpose for being and didn't need to be told that he should be grateful that he wasn't killed off like so many other unwanted children. He did his job without question, without fault. That's why he was a favorite, he was good at what he did. And he didn't think about anything else, he wasn't suppose to think of anything besides his job. Though he did more then once, but he couldn't help that and didn't want to stop it. 

But no matter how much he understood that this was his purpose in life, he couldn't help but hate it and want something more. Something that didn't seem so…_wrong_. But how could it be wrong, it was what he born was to do? He had known that since before he could remember, but did that mean he had to like it? 

There were times when he didn't like Fujiwara Yasunori, there had been many times when he wished he could never see that man again. Then there were other times where he didn't know what to do without the man. The man who was a devil and angel. His tormentor and his savior—his only father. The man represented so many things to him. 

Years later, Daisuke knew what that man really was. He understood Fujiwara Yasunori and hated him with an all-consuming intensity that it almost felt as if his body was being heated with the fires of the sun. He despised the man for what he had done to him; it was his fault that Daisuke was so troubled. He was no hero, he wasn't even a fiend—they were to good for him. He was just slime…lower then that. Fujiwara Yasunori was something so vile and disgusting that Daisuke didn't think there was a name for it. 

__

Then why can't I stop thinking about him? He thought, sitting down in front of his easel. _Why can't I forget him, like something unimportant and useless? _He dipped his brush into the paint can next to him, raising his hand, positioning the brush in front of the canvas. _He's always there, during my waking hours, during my sleeping ones. I can't go through out one day with out thinking about him at least once! _The paintbrush moved over the canvas in one smooth motion, cutting through the white of the canvas without any trouble. 

He continued to paint, his mind a million miles away, the brush moving of its own accord. His thoughts wandered back to days of the past, days when he knew nothing. When he was taught how worthless he really was, he could still hear those words in his head, sounding off like church bells, interrupting his daily life—his train of thought. 

It had taken so long for the Motomiyas to convert him, to make him realize that so many of the things he thought were true were nothing but lies to make him submit. Fallacies created so that his innocence could be taken from him easily. He frowned, wondering if he had ever really been innocent in the purest sense of the word. Did he really even know what that word really meant? It had always been just a word to him, a word he _did_ know the meaning to but didn't understand it at a more personal level. 

Bending over, he dropped his paintbrush into the pitcher of water he used to clean his brushes. The water beginning to take on a different color, mixing in with the paint and diluting it before completely giving in and taking on the color. He reached over, blindly, and grabbed another can, opening it as he reached for another brush. He moved his brush, ready to dip it in the paint when his eyes settled for the first time on the paint. All other thoughts in his head disappearing, his mind blanking out before one image took hold of his mind. One specific image that he could not shake, not even if he wanted to try. 

Swirling, endless green, lighting up with mirth, darkening with anger, becoming as cold and hard as jade. The green formed itself into a set of eyes, the eyes a intense shade of forest green. 

__

Eyes like a forest…

Dark and dense, treacherous and mysterious, hiding so many secrets…eyes just like a forest. 

He was trapped inside that forest, he couldn't escape, the path was right in front of him but he couldn't get to it. That's how it had been when he had first met the Motomiyas, and it had become a little better, they had helped him try and find his way out. But he was never completely free of the forest. He had just found a place relatively comfortable, but he was still there. Trapped and forever alone. And he didn't know if he could ever get out, if he even wanted to put the effort into leaving. He was comfortable, in this forest he was in, and it was the only thing he knew. No matter if it had been created from fallacy, it was truth to him. Surrounded by lies and hatred, abused constantly, but he was comfortable. He didn't know if wanted to change. 

He was afraid to change. 

He closed his eyes, shaking the images out of his head and taking a deep breath, returning to the painting before him. He raised his hand and began to move the brush over the canvas, the green smearing everywhere, before taking another color and continuing to remove all the white from the canvas. 

He sighed, placing his paintbrush down and dropping his head into his hands. He was tired. So tired that he couldn't find the strength to stay up. He stood, deciding that trying to fight this new come exhaustion would be stupid, and walked towards the couch, falling face first on it. He closed his eyes, letting sleep take him over. Maybe he would have good dreams. 

***

Callused hands were running up and down his body, soft lips pressing butterfly kisses down his neck. He gasped arching up to the soft touches. Begging for more through soft pants. His eyes closing as he felt the other inside of him, touching him so intimately. He whimpered softly, wrapping long pale arms over dark shoulders—

contrasting

—pulling his lover closer. He wanted him closer, much closer—until their bodies were unified. 

One. 

He moaned when the other pace was quickened, his lips searching out the other's. He needed this, need him. They needed each other. But there was something nagging at the back of his mind. Something that he kept trying to ignore. Now was not the time to be contemplating anything! But it continued to nag at him, pushing through until there was no way to ignore it. 

He stared into brown eyes and he noticed something, something that he had missed for so long. They were so empty, so emotionless. All he could see was the haze of lust. Nothing else…_nothing else_. 

There were soft kisses on his neck, soft nibbling on his throat. He gasped, forgetting everything. Those hands…such an intimate touch…the nibbling and kissing. He couldn't think, his eyes closed and he allowed himself to swept away. 

***

Ken closed his eyes tightly, remembering pleasant moments that he wished he could not. Those pleasant moments brought back questions that he didn't want to answer, didn't know how to answer. He rolled over, his arms wrapping around Daisuke's middle. He pulled the shorter man closer to him, and Daisuke made a small noise in his sleep, shifting a little and then stilling once more. Ken looked down at Daisuke and pressed a small kiss to his forehead. 

He closed his eyes again, nestling closer to his lover. He didn't want to think about anything at the moment. He'd take care of everything later…much later…it hurt too much to think about at the moment. He didn't even have all the answers—it was pointless. 

He'd think about it later...so much later, when Daisuke wasn't in his arms radiating such warmth. Much later, no matter what the consequences…consequences that scared him. He'd take care of it later, fight the dragons later, get past the shields and face his most difficult foe…Daisuke. 

But that would be later, for now he'd relish the warmth. Maybe for the last time…Ken was frightened. 

TBC…

Well there goes the next part…*sighs* I hope I got the point I was trying to convey across. Saa, who knows…just as long as everyone understands I'm cool! Anyway, you all know to email me if there is any confusion. And our story is slowly drawing to a close…

Muses: Yay! *wave small fans* 

…Unless I decided to add in that small piece that's been swimming in the back of my head. If that's the case, we've got a long way to go!

Muses: Shimatta! 

They're lazy….^__^;


	8. Default Chapter

Chapter 7 

Ken walked out of the bedroom, shivering slightly at the cold. He stretched his arms and yawned, trying to remove the last bits of sleep clinging to him. He stopped when he entered the living room. He could see Daisuke sitting quietly at the window, the light of the early morning sun pouring in and caressing Daisuke's face and bare chest. 

He stood rooted in place, staring at the scene before him, unable to make a sound. The minutes stretching on like hours, until the room seemed to slant slightly and the light from the window brightened everything, chasing every shadow from its hiding place. He blinked, shielding his eyes from the light and looked on to Daisuke, who didn't seem bothered by the brightness. 

"Daisuke?" Ken called but the man said nothing, looking out the window with rapped attention. "Daisuke." Nothing. "Daisuke!" Still no response. Ken sighed and started to walk towards Daisuke but found himself going no where. Eight steps—eight steps from where Ken stood to the window and yet he had already made ten. He continued to move, starting to pick up speed as if the floor were a giant treadmill. 

How long he had been running was lost to him, the arms of the wall clock spinning at unbelievable speeds. Ken growled and started to pick up speed, he would not be beat, and he knew he could reach the end of the treadmill if he moved faster then it. He ran, hard and fast; his mouth opening to catch mouthfuls of air. 

According to the clock on the wall a new day had come forty times before Ken finally reached Daisuke. The lighting had never changed, dawn had never come and neither did dusk. It was all the same, the light almost bright enough to blind. But Ken was use to it now and he was there. He had reach Daisuke. 

"Daisuke!" The redhead turned and looked at him, his brown eyes large and sad. He smiled at Ken but said nothing. Though neither could Ken and he found himself repeating the man's name over and over again. He reached out a hand but before he could touch Daisuke, long green vines explode from the ground and Ken jumped back in shock. Losing his balance and falling onto the floor where the treadmill-floor led him back to his original spot. 

The vines—an intense shade of emerald green with sharp thorns—began to wrap around Daisuke. They first went around his waist, then others came, coiling his legs and arms, criss-crossing his chest, and finally twisting around his neck. Daisuke said nothing, not even when the thorns pierced his skin and Ken watched in morbid silence as the blood trickled down, staining the floor. 

"Daisuke!" Ken cried, reaching a hand for him. Putting all the feeling he couldn't put into words into that one name. "Daisuke!" He wanted to help him! He could help him!

Daisuke frowned at him as if he had heard something he didn't like, the vines tightening around his body and the ones that had surrounded him rose up, slamming into the ceiling, coiling with each other, creating a wall. Chunks of the ceiling fell to the floor and Ken felt as if the whole ceiling would collapse on them.

Ken stood, his legs aching from the run, and tried to move towards the man again. This time not only did the treadmill try to hold him back, but also the vines themselves. Lashing at him as he tried to get closer. Ken cried out in pain when he was hit but didn't stop, calling Daisuke's name like a mantra, it gave him strength—helped him remember his purpose. He'd help him, he would. He'd save Daisuke, just like Daisuke saved had him. 

He was back and nothing could have stopped him. He ran right to the wall of green and grabbed the vines, his hands beginning to bleed immediately. Clenching his teeth against the pain, he began to rip the vines apart but they were strong and held out for so long that after he had made a big enough hole he just crawled in instead of trying to destroy the rest. 

"Daisuke…" The redhead looked at him and Ken smiled, stretching out his bloodied hand. He'd come, he'd save Daisuke. The light from the window intensified, casting a strange shadow over Daisuke.

Daisuke frowned at him and Ken couldn't understand why. The redhead stood, undeterred by the vines that clung to his skin, and moved towards Ken. He raised one hand—one vine wrapped over the palm—and pressed it against Ken's cheek. The raven-haired man flinched back at the pain, those thorns were sharp, sharper then the ones that made the wall or the ones that had lashed out at him. 

"Daisuke…" He'd come to save him. He had to save him. 

Daisuke smiled warmly at him, blood red tears sliding down his cheeks, and he moved closer. Wrapping his arms around Ken and pulling him closer. The light becoming more intense, the shadow becoming darker, surrounding them both and dancing like a demon at play. Ken gasped at the pain of having those thorns pressed against his chest. But he could not say anything. He embraced Daisuke back, feeling those same thorns pushing into his chest. Closer to his beating heart—the shadow dancing faster as if in a frenzy—Ken's warm blood soaking his shirt. 

"Daisuke…" All went black. 

*** 

Ken opened his eyes and looked around the room he was in. He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, trying to remember exactly where he was. Then it came to him. 

__

Daisuke's room…

He looked next to him to find that Daisuke was not there and sighed while running his hand over Daisuke's pillow. Any other day he would have smiled, but that day he didn't think he could remember how. 

The raven-haired man crawled out of bed slowly as he wondered why he felt so depressed as he picked up his clothes and dressed himself. The night before had been wonderful. Daisuke had taken him to new heights of ecstasy and he had gone to sleep the warm in the arms of the man he loved. It was something out of a romance novel but he didn't care, it had felt wonderful to be in such a state of peace. But he knew there were things he was suppose to remember, things that he had to think about. Yet he didn't want to, he just wanted to think about their lovemaking. Think about how wonderful, how complete, Daisuke made him feel. 

His bear feet padded silently along the cold floor as Ken tired to think of what had him in such a strange mood. He walked silently into the living room, stopping as he noticed Daisuke sitting on the windowsill. He blinked at the feeling of déjà vu. He looked at the man before him for a few seconds until the clouds that were hiding the sun moved away and the sun's rays streamed in through the window, illuminating Daisuke. 

Ken gasped, his eyes opening wide as the dream came back to him. He could remember it so clearly now, the dream that always tormented him at night and he forgot in the morning. That same horrible dream that made him wake up screaming and not remember why. Now he remembered. Every little detailed forever burned in his mind; he'd never forget it. But what did it mean? The dream didn't have just one ending, but multiple ones…some he rather not think about and others more confusing then the dream itself. 

Ichijouji Ken was not one to believe in premonitions but this was getting strange. 

"Oo kii yo, un…" Daisuke's voice brought Ken out of his thoughts and he looked at the man to see him chatting idly on the cordless phone. He took another step deeper into the living room, slowly and carefully as if testing. Daisuke looked over at him smiled brightly and waved a hello. Ken smiled back and walked over to him, a feeling of relief washing over him, and sat down next to Daisuke whom was still on the phone. 

"Otousan!" Daisuke exclaimed. "Please don't say things like that! It's too awkward. Iya! I'm not ashamed, just embarrassed!" 

Ken watched the redhead chuckle as he talked to his father. His mind was still on the dream. What did it mean? He had died in the one he had last night. That one had not been as worse as the others though. Now that he actually was able to remember one dream all of them were flowing out like water from a dam. There were ones where he did not die, ones where he was able to hold Daisuke without pricking himself with the sharp thorns that accompanied every dream. In those dreams Daisuke would hold him back sorrowfully as said thorns would wrap around the both of them, tightening their grips on the two men as they bled slowly towards their death. 

__

It always ends that way…death…it's almost inevitable. It was as inevitable as his not being able to talk in those dreams. He was never able to ask what was happening. To tell Daisuke that he was trying to help him. He could never say anything, anything beyond the redhead's name that is. It was too strange, just like the green vines.

Always green, a deep emerald green. 

__

"Daisuke has an issue with that color!" 

"What color?" 

"Green. Haven't you noticed? The green in his paintings glow of terror, that color traumatized that boy."

"Don't you think your seeing too much into this, Takeru?"

"Ken, seriously, you need to get your head out of the clouds." 

Green always green. So Takeru had been right? He seemed to know Daisuke better then Ken and this hurt the dark haired man. They were both Daisuke's best friends, why did Takeru know him better? Why did it seem like Ken knew nothing about the man before? And what about the things he did know about Daisuke; were they really true or just figments of his imagination? Did he really know Motomiya Daisuke? 

No. He did not know Motomiya Daisuke. Neither of them did. They only knew small parts of him. Little pieces that only made up half of the picture. Daisuke would not let them see the whole picture. 

Maybe those dreams told him something that he was not seeing. Dreams are a link to the subconscious, why couldn't they be a link to something that his conscious mind had yet to pick up, something that was floating around the back of his conscious mind and was manifesting in these dreams. The constant running and feeling like he was going no where, that made sense. He had been feeling that since his conversation with Takeru and maybe even before that. The color green which seemed to be the symbol of all that was evil in Daisuke's eyes, or so Takeru said. The fact that he could never say what he really wanted to say—what he _needed_ to say to Daisuke. And the death that it always ended in. 

__

"If I must die, I want it to be him that kills me".

He had said those words when speaking to his brother that day at the graveyard. And didn't he always die in Daisuke's arms in those dreams? So did it mean that he would end up losing his life if he continued this way? No, it was not a literal death. At least he did not think it was. It probably was a figurative death. Maybe the death of his soul. But why would his soul die in Daisuke's arms, that was where it would feel more live! 

The green vines he could not explain. He supposed they were in the dream because of what Takeru kept saying. But the rest seemed to make sense now that he thought about it enough. He was going no where because he would not speak with Daisuke about the important things. These kinds of confrontations scared him, but in his dreams he continued on. Fighting through the vines, ignoring the pain, but still he could not speak to Daisuke…

__

Shit, almost had it that time… 

"Suma na, Ken." Ken blinked and looked at Daisuke who had finally finished with his conversation. "I was going to make breakfast for you before you got up but otousan called and…"

"No problem." Ken smiled back. "You don't have to do anything."

Daisuke shock his head, scooting closer to Ken and raising his hands to run his fingers through raven tresses. "It's my duty to please you." 

Ken blushed lightly, moving closer to the warm touches. Though he could not stop thinking about his dream. Still trying to decipher it, still trying to understand. He knew he had to talk to him. Had to tell him…what? How? He was so confused. He felt so many things, wanted to say so many things. He wanted to convey his feelings to Daisuke. To let him know that he would always be there for him. Maybe love could conquer all. Was he really that naïve for believing that? 

"Daisuke…" Ken looked at the man before him. He had to talk to him. Tell him how he felt. If Daisuke knew just how deeply he felt for him then maybe he'd be able to open up more. He'd know that Ken loved him so deeply that he would never betray Daisuke's trust. 

__

And maybe it's time anyway. Time to tell him how I really feel about him. 

"Yes?" Daisuke's fingers continued to run through Ken's hair, helping him relax. 

"Daisuke, boku wa…" He took a deep breath and turned his head slight so that he was looking straight at Daisuke, who had now lowered his hands. "Daisuke, ai shiteru…ai shiteru."

Daisuke's eyes widened. "…love me?" 

__

"You're going to end up hurting him, Daisuke, he loves you!" 

"I have no intention of hurting him."

"But your doing it. Intentional or not, you are going to hurt him" 

"Yes, I love you Daisuke." Blue eyes stared straight into brown. "Love you so much it can be painful. Ai shiteru Motomiya Daisuke." 

_"Shun…?"_

"I like it!" 

"What's the point of naming him? He's no different then the rest." 

"Sure he isn't. But I want to call him that. It's better then calling out a number." 

"Then fine, call him Shun. You hear that it's your name now, Shun. Answer to it, like you do your number."

"Wakata…" 

Ken was in love with Motomiya Daisuke.

__

"Can I really have any name I like?"

"Yup, any name you like!" 

"I like the name Daisuke." 

"Then get use to it, cause that's who you are now!" 

Ichijouji Ken loved Motomiya Daisuke. Some how that didn't sound real. But it was real. Ken had said it with the utmost sincerity. He loved Daisuke with all his heart. 

__

"You're going to end up hurting him!" 

"Shun **never** go against me. Always remember your place in life. The place that I gave you, the one I will never let you leave." 

Daisuke shook his head. He was trembling. He stood up and walked a few steps away from Ken. The dark haired man called his name. He was worried. Daisuke didn't look at Ken. He could not look at Ken. Takeru had been right…He should have listened. Now he was going to do something that he had never done before, something that he had always believed he had no right to do. 

"Ken, you can't—" 

"But I do."

"_No!" _He regretted it the moment he said it. "No…you can't and I can't. And maybe we shouldn't even…"

"Daisuke, don't you dare." Ken's voice trembled slightly and Daisuke heard him stand up and walk towards him. Daisuke moved away. "Is it that your not ready for it. Was it too much for this point in our relationship." Daisuke noted the plea in the man's voice. 

"No. Suma na, Ken, I don't think we should…continue this. I just don't think—"

"Daisuke—"

"—we ever should've started in the first place—"

"Don't you feel anything for me, Daisuke?" Ken moved closer, reaching for Daisuke but the redhead moved away. Daisuke looked away from him again, not answering any of Ken's questions. Ken bit his lip, there were so many feelings coursing through him. 

Betrayal. Pain. Lose. 

He looked up at Daisuke who had his back to him and ran a hand through his hair, moving it away from his eyes. He hurt. His conversation with Takeru coming back to him. Takeru had been right. To Daisuke this was just another notch on his headboard of broken relationships. Ken could feel the anger rushing up overriding the pain. 

"I never meant anything to you did I?" Ken asked quietly, fist tightening. Daisuke didn't reply. "Why'd you agree then Daisuke? Tell me damnit! If you had no intention of going anywhere with this—with us—then why agree to it in the first place!"

Still Daisuke didn't reply or even look at him. His eyes closed tightly and his fingers gripped his forearms almost painfully. Daisuke didn't want to look at Ken, didn't want to see it. He should have said nothing, should never had said those words. He failed…he failed…he was a failure. He truly was worthless. The Motomiyas were wrong. Daisuke was worthless, just like He had said. 

"So were you playing with me?" Ken continued after some silence, his voice quivered with pain and anger. "Was it just for the sex?" 

"Sex…" Daisuke mumbled quietly to himself. Wasn't it always for the sex? The whole world revolved around it. Beauty, money, and sex. 

__

"What a beautiful boy you are. No wonder you're so costly." 

Ken stared at him, eyes brimming with tears. "Didn't I mean more to you then that! Aren't I more important then just that! I thought I was more important to you then a good fuck! We've been close for so long, is that all you ever wanted form me? Answer me, Daisuke!" 

Daisuke turned and looked at Ken for the first time. All the pain he was in was so evident for anyone to see. Daisuke bit his lip, remembering the promise he had made with Takeru. Never to hurt Ken, to make sure Ken was never in any more emotional pain. He had promised Takeru and he had promised Ken. He broke his promise…he had hurt Ken so badly without meaning too. He was so sorry for breaking his promise.

"I'm sorry." He looked away, unable to stare any longer at the man before him. 

So stupid. So worthless. 

Ken's eyes closed tightly and he took many deep, shaky breaths before he could open them again. By then Daisuke face had been completely blank. He didn't care. Daisuke didn't care about him…he had meant nothing. Just another notch on the headboard, just like Hikari. And just like her he had ended up hurting himself. But unlike her it had not been Ken to finish it, it had been Daisuke. A first. He was the first…he meant even less then the others had. Daisuke didn't want to wait for him to end it. He had ended it…

He looked at Daisuke once more before walking past him and out the door. He never wanted to see him again. The idea hurt too much bare…

TBC

Wow! It's been a while for this fic hasn't it. I am really sorry I took so long to post, I've been busy and other stories have been calling my attention and this one seemed not to be wanting to be finished. But it's gonna finish! I'm so happy that it's almost over! I promised myself I wouldn't start my next long story (three of them actually) until I finished this one. So I really want to get this one done with but I don't wanna finish it really fast and have it turn out bad! That's another one of the reasons it's going so slowly, if that makes any sense. 

For any that care, my next three stories will be two Digimon stories, both AU. One fantasy consisting of a yaoi threesome and the second a story about Jun (my second favorite Motomiya). She doesn't get enough stories! And my third will be about Jounouichi (Joey) and Kaiba my favorite Yu-Gi-Oh! coupling (not enough stories about them either). It'll also be an AU, something that came to me after reading the volume 4 of the manga. I'm not sure which I'm going to do first, since I have another long story I have to finish and I don't wanna have all of those projects going at the same time. Can you imagine! @_@ 

On another note, I just finished reading Uzumaki by Ito Junji-sama. That series is bugged! You should all read it. I loved it, it's just so absurd! I can't wait for the next graphic novel to come out.

Well, I've babbled enough. Let's see if I can get the next part out soon. 


	9. Default Chapter

Chapter 8

The silence was unbearable and it made Takeru fidget. But that wasn't the only thing that bothered the blond, the emotions were worse. He could have dealt with the silence if it weren't for the emotions, thick enough to cut off the air supply. It was hard to breathe and it was especially hard to think. 

Sadness, betrayal, heartache and anger—just to name a few. There were so many emotions in varying degrees of intensity but all together they were enough to suffocate him. His own anger was enough to suffocate him, it left him lightheaded and he could barely keep himself from breaking something in a fit of rage. 

He had to remain calm. He knew that. And so Takeru took a deep breath and tightened his grip around the lean body in his arms. He briefly wondered why his friends always seemed to come to him when they got dumped—these kinds of things always took a serious emotional toll on him and he was always left feeling drained. But to help them—especially Ken—he'd pay that price. 

Takeru didn't speak much throughout the whole time they were together—only a word or two when Ken had first arrived. There was no need to, he neither knew what to say nor did he think Ken wanted to hear any comforting words. If there were any comforting words out there for him. Takeru also felt that any attempts at comforting words would just end with him cursing Daisuke to high heaven. 

He was so angry with the redhead that he felt as if he were going to explode; the only thing keeping him from doing so was Ken, whom needed Takeru right there then cross-town kicking the crap out of Daisuke. Though when he had the chance the blond knew he would be paying a visit to his other idiotic friend. He just didn't think he would ever feel better without hitting the redhead at least once. 

__

Yeah then we'll have a very **long **talk. Takeru told himself, making sure that he didn't hurt Ken by accident by gripping him too tightly. _Damnit Daisuke I told you. I thought we went through this already. Why don't you ever listen to me when I tell you things!_

Takeru took a deep breath; there was no use getting worked up now. Or so he kept telling himself. Any calming technique he had ever learned in his life just seemed not to want to work, leaving him a jumble of nerves. He felt so tense and weary, his emotions were getting to him and he didn't know what to do with them. 

Ken was crying in his arms, had been crying since two minutes after he had arrived at Takeru's, and the minute the blond could get Ken to speak coherently he had begun to feel as if he were going to explode. His emotions telling him different things, demanding different reactions form him and he didn't know which to comply to. All he knew was that he had to be there for Ken and worry about himself at a later time, that just making it worse. Pushing down his feelings was never his strong point—his childhood had been perfect proof of that, all he had learned was how to control himself just a little better. Though he was not sure if that really was the best course of actions, controlling usually ended up as suppression, which would always get him in the end.

Takeru sighed and told himself to concentrate on Ken. Sapphire eyes shifting to stare at the trembling form in his arms, long fingers moving up and down Ken's spine. He wished that he could find the perfect words to say, that he could just say one thing and Ken wouldn't have to cry anymore. But there wasn't a thing he could say that was anywhere near as comforting as Daisuke's embrace would have been. 

Takeru wanted to say, "I'm here for you". But knew that meant nothing to Ken. He just wasn't who Ken wanted to be there for him and it made Takeru angry. His feelings of inadequacy frustrating him and angering him. What could he do? What could he say? He could offer Ken nothing but a shoulder to cry on and soft touches with the intentions to calm and reassure. Though he didn't even know if that was helpful. 

Takeru just wanted to help the man in his arms in anyway possible. He had hoped that sometime during this encounter it would come to him, but nothing did. So he sat quietly as he had been sitting for what felt like hours and let Ken vent out his pain. 

At times Ken would just sob and other times—like when he had first arrived—he would try to speak through the lump in his throat. Trying to control the sobs that wracked his body, but Ken would only achieve incoherent babble that almost sounded like a whole new language. The only way for Takeru to get anything out of Ken would be to give him water and force him breath after every word. It had been a trying experience. 

But at least Takeru understood now what had happened. Daisuke had broken up with him, that news had left Takeru feeling like a truck had hit him. 

Daisuke had broken up with Ken? That couldn't have happened, was the first thing that Takeru had thought. He must have heard wrong. But Ken had confirmed it and it left Takeru feeling like he had been run over by another truck. How could Daisuke have broken up with Ken? Daisuke broke up with nobody; they all broke up with him! That little piece of information had made Takeru feel dizzy and disorganized and his chest had constricted from a sharp pain almost like it had been him who Daisuke had dumped. 

Takeru had taken Ken in his arms immediately after the shock had worn off, running his fingers through raven tresses. He ached for Ken, knew just how worthless the man was feeling to be the first person that had ever been dumped by Daisuke. Daisuke who never broke it off even when he was miserable. But he had broken it off with Ken, he knew that knowledge must have felt like to sword through the heart for Ken and Takeru had no way of mending that wound. He didn't believe that there was away to heal that wound, even if Daisuke and Ken could somehow mend their broken relationship. 

"Why'd you have to fall in love with Daisuke?"Takeru looked down at Ken whom had finally fallen asleep, little pearl-like tears still trailing round flushed cheeks. "_I know that he's beautiful, sweet, helpful, caring, and you two have history that connects you in ways that I'll never understand but really! You've known as long as I have that he's trouble when it comes to relationships. A heart ache waiting to happen. Couldn't you have just fought it off, it's really not as hard as it seems to fight off and squash those kinds of feelings, I'm speaking from experiences too." _

Takeru sighed and shifted Ken so that he could carry the man, then rose himself, Ken in his arms, the man's head resting on Takeru's chest as he walked towards the bedroom. He took careful and slow steps, not wanting to wake the man in his arms. 

"I wish you had just focused yourself on forgetting your feelings for him."Takeru smiled wistfully. "Maybe found someone else to love, but I know why you didn't try. You thought you could do it, didn't you? You wanted to be the one to show Daisuke true and pure love. You were dreaming of a fairy tale, I can't blame you. It's an attractive thought, to know that Daisuke was experiencing the joys of love because of you."The blond let out a long sigh, that wistful smile still on his face. "I knew better though, and I had hoped you had as well. But I was wrong, you didn't know better, I gave up to easily on so many things, and Daisuke didn't try at all. We all screwed up royally, didn't we? It makes us fools…we make stupid promises, and then we break them because of our emotions and the stupid ways we act on them.

"I wish I had been the one who acted, then you wouldn't be the one in pain. Then I'd be the one hurting, but I've felt these kinds of pains before and learned to deal with them differently then you. I become scared when you're emotionally hurt, Ken, I fear that you won't find a healthy way of coping with it. And now I'm worried, scared, and angry not to mention in complete and utter anguish. Thought I had buried all these feelings, I'm confused on which one of you makes me hurt more. Over the years I've felt so much for the both of you, I don't know which one of you I love more…and I just don't want either of you to be in pain and I just don't know how to fix this!" 

Takeru took a deep, shuddering, breathe and gently placed Ken on the bed making sure to make the man as comfortable as possible. He sighed and leaned down placing a soft kiss on Ken's temple and wishing him sweet dreams. He knew Ken would be a sleep for the rest of the day, the man had exhausted himself. First the incident with Daisuke, then running all the way cross-town to Takeru's apartment, and finally crying himself into slumber. Though Takeru still left a note saying that he would be out for a few hours, that Ken could help himself to anything in the apartment, and that his cell phone would be on at all times so Ken could call for any reason no matter how trivial it seemed. 

*** 

__

Si me falta tu presencia 

Yo me pierdo buscandote

***

"Well?" 

"Well what?" 

"Aren't you going to have a fit and hit me?" Takeru stared at his friend in shock, not expecting Daisuke to be so blunt about it. Even though that was exactly what Takeru had intended to do. 

Daisuke sighed. "Look Takeru I know you're mad. I know Ken ran over to your place and probably cried himself to sleep…" Daisuke stopped for a moment, guilt settling himself in his eyes. There was no mocking in his voice; it was carefully neutral, yet his eyes betrayed him. Daisuke wasn't covering the emotion in his eyes or wasn't aware that they were being expressed. "I know and I can guess what you're feeling at the moment so do it…just get it over with." 

Takeru stared somewhat stunned and somewhat in contemplation at what had just been said. He blinked and shook his head, walking towards Daisuke and raising his arm, his fingers curling to make a fist. He was going to hit him, he had swore to himself that he would hit Daisuke for Ken and for himself. Daisuke stare at him straight in the eyes, never once looking like he would move.

Takeru moved his arm, bring his fist closer to Daisuke's face, but then stopped. He couldn't hit him, his hand fell uselessly then raised again, with the other again, to grab hold of Daisuke's collar and shake him. 

"Fuck Daisuke!" He growled. "What the hell were you thinking! I told you damnit!" He continued to shake the man roughly as he yelled and Daisuke took it silently. "How could you do something like this! What the hell was going through that head of yours?" 

The blond continued to yell angrily, though after a bit he stopped shaking Daisuke but continued to hold on tightly to the man's collar as if afraid he'd run away. Takeru screamed and yelled and he was sure that after a while all his words had become meaningless jumbled sounds. He wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore, all he knew was that he was angry, confused, hurt, and so worried and he had no other idea on how to help the situation become better. He felt so helpless, so inadequate. 

Blue eyes meet brown, searching them for anything that could make him understand what was wrong with Daisuke or at least help Daisuke. Anything to help Ken…anything to help Daisuke. He just wanted them to be happy, wanted to see them smile. 

"Daisuke, God, please help me understand why you did it?" Takeru pleaded. "Why did you let him get serious—"

"He was serious from the beginning." Daisuke said somewhat tonelessly and it hurt Takeru to hear it. It made Daisuke seem heartless and that scared him. 

Takeru took a deep breath trying to calm his emotions before continuing. He had to think clearly. 

"But you weren't." Daisuke didn't answer. "If you weren't serious and you knew he was, why did you continue!" Another silence and Takeru found himself sighing. "We talked about this before, Daisuke, you knew what you were getting into. What the hell was going through your head…"

Takeru trailed off, realizing he had asked that question before and that it got him no where. He gripped the shirt tighter, locking eyes with Daisuke, hoping that maybe this way he would be able to get some kind of answer out of him. 

They stayed that way for a long time, a long awkward, tense, and uncomfortable silence strengthening between them. But there was nothing else Takeru could think of to do. He just couldn't organize his mind well enough to get a good question out. 

"He asked me out." Daisuke said softly, turning his head. 

"You didn't have to agree, not when you knew that you didn't want to get serious like that." 

Daisuke looked at Takeru again. "But you didn't see it, that look in his eyes. He was so hopeful and he had looked so sad that day. I wanted nothing more then to him cheer up, I didn't want to do it, but I thought what could it hurt? I didn't realize how serious he was, thought that it was just an attraction, that it would go away and we'd go back to normal. Like before." 

Takeru sighed again, releasing Daisuke's collar and running one trembling hand though his blond hair. He looked down for a moment then back at the redhead. He wished that this wasn't happening, that everything would have just stayed the same way they had been before. He wished that they could have just stayed friends that nothing would've happened to change the peace they were in. 

"I told you…"

"But it was too late, Takeru!" 

"And what? Were you just hoping that he'd get tired! Waiting for him to break it off with you! Or were you just going to pretend and keep on pretending like nothing was wrong? But of course you knew he'd notice it. You're always so distant, so aloof. You never let yourself get close. You knew he'd realize it, were you hoping that you could end it that way again, Daisuke! Just like with Hikari!" 

Daisuke flinched at the mention of Hikari's name, his fist tightening at his sides, Takeru noted that his hands were trembling. 

"Takeru, I know I fucked up!" Daisuke all but yelled, "I did something stupid and unforgivable, I broke our promise and broke his heart…I'm so stupid, I know that! You don't have to come here and tell me that damnit! I know how stupid I am, I know…" 

Takeru took a step back, surprised by the outburst of emotion and now stood torn between the need to vent his anger and between the urge to take his friend his arms. The pain was so obvious, in his voice, in his eyes; it was surprising to see Daisuke lose control of his emotions like that. Takeru just wanted to take hold of him and hold him, just like he held Ken. To protect them both…he loved them so much. 

"I just don't understand…I don't know what say, Daisuke." Takeru said, his whole body trembling with emotion. "I want to help you, I want to help Ken. I want to some how make this right. I hate this, Daisuke! Why couldn't you have said no? Why did Ken have to fall so deeply in love with you? Why can't I distance myself from this problem!" 

"Takeru, I don't know…I think fates against us." Daisuke spoke softly, so much pain in his voice. "I didn't want this to happen. But he said he loved me…I couldn't…he couldn't love me. It's just not right—" 

Takeru looked up at Daisuke, blinking in confusion and in an effort to keep the tears from falling. "Why isn't it right for him to love you?" 

"It just isn't. He doesn't realize it, neither do you, but it just isn't right. The worse thing for him to do is love me, that's why I broke up with him. Because we can't be the way Ken wants us to be, he can't love—"_ a fictitious character _"—me and I can't love him back. It's not in my programming to love like that." 

Takeru stared at him, shaking his head and Daisuke could see how painful this was for. Takeru always hurt when they hurt, it was always strange to Daisuke how close the blond could get to their pain even when it had nothing to do with him. He was always so protective and caring with them, he hated to see them hurt and Daisuke knew how inadequate the blond felt when he couldn't help out. But he just couldn't understand why Takeru cared so much, in such a way, for them, almost to the point of loving them.

"That's not true, you could love him. You already do, just not the way he does you. But you could learn—you could try. It isn't hard Daisuke to learn to love someone like that. He can show you, I know it's terrifying but you could learn! Won't you try for him!" 

He had come intending to yell and avenge and now found himself begging on his friends' behalf—he begged for both their happiness. 

Daisuke sighed and looked into Takeru's eyes, so full of hope and pain. He hated to see Takeru like that, but he couldn't do anything for him. Daisuke took a step closer to Takeru and then another until they were only about an inch or two apart. 

"I just want to see you both happy." Takeru spoke, blinking harder but finding it useless, his voice cracked as he spoke. His emotions were getting the better of him, all of them; there was no other way to release them that didn't involve causing bodily harm to either of them. "And I just don't know what else do to for you two. I don't see a happy ending Daisuke. Can't you see that maybe the only way to save you both? Try for him—for yourself—and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But at least you'd know you've tried and he would too. So maybe it'll end differently…so that you won't cry inside anymore. 

"'Cause I know you're crying inside, Daisuke, and I don't know why. But whatever it is it's what's keeping you from trying and I don't know how to change it—God, it hurts, this uselessness. But can you try. Please? For the sanity of us all? Can't you try to learn to love Ken the way he loves you? For that happy ending?" 

By the time Takeru had finished, the tears had began to fall without anyway of stopping them and Daisuke had his arms around him, holding him tightly. It didn't make Takeru feel any better to know that it was him being comforted instead of Daisuke, but it wasn't like he could do anything. He had asked, he had pleaded and begged and was now crying. That was all he could do, that and hope. 

Daisuke's silence wasn't helping the situation, but Daisuke was to busy berating himself to speak. He continued to do stupid things—now they both were in pain. There was nothing he could do about it though; he was such a good for nothing. 

"I'm sorry Takeru, but I don't see a happy ending." Daisuke whispered, feeling Takeru tense then begin to tremble again. "I can't, trying is useless, I think that if things had been different that maybe I would've been able to try and maybe succeed, but things aren't. It was ripped from me and I can't get it back, there is no happy ending, there never was. I'm just sorry that you and Ken had to be pulled into this misery…" 

He pulled away from Takeru and looked into the man's blue eyes. Leaning up he pressed a kiss to each of the blond's eyes as if it would stop his tears then turned and began to leave his own apartment. At the door he turned and looked at Takeru, who still stood frozen staring at him. 

"Lock up for me, I don't think I'll be back tonight and don't stay long, Ken needs you to be close by." 

The door opened and slammed shut in only a matter of moments, leaving Takeru standing quietly in the middle of the living surround by Daisuke's paints, canvases, and scattered dirty clothing. The smell of red wood floating in the air, the memory of all that was said and all that happened fresh in his memory. He had failed, he had done nothing to help. 

Takeru fell to his knees, tears cascading down his eyes…he had so wanted a happy ending. Why was it that the people he loved the most were always the most miserable? 

TBC 

Wow, it didn't take me three months to post another chapter! ^^; Though I'm slightly surprised by this chapter, it wasn't in the planning. But as I began to type it just sounded like a good idea to show how Takeru is dealing with it all, being friends with a couple like that. Anyway, I think it was also a little insightful, I remember the old reviews about Takeru's relationship with the other two, now you know! 

The lyrics in between the two parts are from Ricky Martin's album _Vuelve_, (I so like his music better in Spanish, wish he had stayed singing in only Spanish) the song is called "Perdido sin ti" which translates to "I'm lost without you" or just "Lost without you" it doesn't matter. And the lyrics I used translates to: If I miss your presence, I lose myself searching for you". The words sound so much better in Spanish. 


	10. Default Chapter

Chapter 9 

The telephone's ring broke through the silence of the small flat, its incessant ringing slicing the comfortable silence and jarring any enlightening thoughts out of a head covered by short black hair. The telephone continued to ring as its owner tried ignored it but to no avail. 

There was a sigh followed by the sound of fabric rustling, sock covered feet padded towards the small wooden stand the telephone was placed on, the sound of fabric sweeping across the floor could be heard in time with the footsteps. Long, slim fingers stretched out and took hold of the telephone handle, pulling it away from the cradle and placing it near an ear with many different piercing. 

"Hello?" 

"Ni-hao! It's me, Wallace." Full plum painted lips turned up into a smile, though the smile was hidden through the slight annoyance in the alto voice. 

"Wallace, do you have any idea what time it is?" Brown eyes looked out the window at the darkened skyline of downtown Tokyo. 

"Yeah, but I haven't got any time to call you tonight and this is really, _really_ important!" Perfectly formed eyebrows knitted together in a frown. Wallace sounded worried and upset. This disturbed her. 

"What's wrong?" 

"I need you to do me a favor; it's time to do some enlightening." Round brown eyes widened slightly in surprised.

"Come again?" 

"It's really important. Trust me. I just don't know what else to do." 

"You better explain yourself, Wallace." 

*** 

Mune ga itakute itakute 

Kowaresou dakara 

Kanawanu omoi nara semete karetai! 

*** 

Ken walked slowly up the last few steps to his apartment mainly because he had to struggle to raise one foot after another. His legs felt as if they had been hollowed out and then filled with lead lined cement. It was so difficult to move, his whole body protested it but he continued on. The deep concentration he had to use to get his body to obey him helped him forget his misery for a while. 

He raised his hand and entered his house key into the keyhole, turning it and pushing the door open. He walked inside—letting the door shut behind him and not bothering to lock the door—slipped off his shoes and continued towards the living room. There he found himself staring into silted red eyes framed by oval silver glasses. 

"Ken, you look like shit warmed over." Ken attempted a glare but gave up after a second, too tired to even try. 

"Junta please, tell me something I don't know." 

Junta stared at him for a long moment, running his fingers, each with its own uniquely designed silver ring, through his blue-violet hair. He shrugged and looked back down at his scattered papers and the books surrounding him, sometimes turning his head to glance at the laptop next to him and other times jotting down notes onto the notebook that sat on his lap. He could tell Ken was in no mood for chatting and found no need to bother the man. He knew that Ken would tell him what was wrong when he was good and ready. And that was fine with Junta. 

Ken arched an eyebrow at the state of mess that his living room was in; knowing the man was probably doing another paper for some class or another. And realizing that any other time he would be growling at Junta to make sure and leave the living room spotless after he was done, but at that exact moment he didn't care if the apartment was never clean again. 

A long sigh escaped his pink lips. _Kami-sama, I hate being miserable. _

He wandered passed his roommate, and his mess, towards the bedrooms, working mostly on auto-pilot now since his mind began to wander once more to what had him in such a miserable state. 

Love's betrayal.

Being in love at that one moment seemed like the worst thing that could ever happen to Ken and he laughed bitterly remembering how wonderful he thought it was a few days before. Yet he couldn't help but admit that those few days—weeks—had been wonderful. But were they really worth the heartache of now? Ken didn't think he was intelligent enough to answer that. 

All he knew was that he was in love and not loved back and that hurt him so deeply he felt as if he were about to wilt like a flower that had not been given a drink in days. Not that he would've been surprised if that actually had happened. Daisuke ending the relationship felt him feeling as if he had been cut off from that life giving water, which wasn't to far form the truth in Ken's opinion. 

_I feel so empty. _

The break up had been harsh, the knowledge that he was nothing more then a bed warmer to Daisuke had hurt worse then anything else. He had been so sure that Daisuke had felt something for him, maybe not love, but at least something. Reality hurt. How true that saying was. 

Daisuke didn't love him. Daisuke didn't even respect him!

It made Ken angry but the anger quickly subsided and he was left feeling miserable again. Wallowing miserably in emotions that he had not felt since childhood. He felt used, stupid, dirty, unloved, alone, and angry. Angry at Daisuke, but more with himself for believing that he could ever hope to be anything more to the redhead. 

_I thought that at least he respected me. _Ken thought raising his hand and shoving the door to his bedroom open. _How could he just use me like that? He knew how I felt. It's not like I hid it. He knew how much I cared and he used those feelings against me. He **used** me then threw me away when I had lost all my usefulness._

That knowledge hurt worst of all. Of all the things he may have been able to deal with—being the first person Daisuke had ever broken up with, his love for the redhead not being returned—that one piece of knowledge, to know that he had been used by someone he trusted so much, was impossible to take. The betray was too painful. He could feel himself slowly dying inside like if he had internal bleeding. He was dying from the inside and he had no idea how long he'd last. 

_Least I got my wish. Dying by Daisuke's hand. _

He sighed again, feeling as if he were to once more burst into tears. But he controlled himself and walked towards his closet, pulling out a dufflebag and then a few articles of clothing. 

He had decided—or better yet, was force to decide—to stay with Takeru for a few days. Just so that he wouldn't have to be alone in his pain. He had not wanted to but knew that Takeru would not take no for an answer even though the blond knew that Ken would rather be alone. However Ken understood why Takeru had insisted, he was afraid that Ken would do something to someone or to himself. And Takeru was probably right, he had never really been able to deal with heartache that intense very well. Already he felt the great desire to just forget and fall into eternal darkness and peace, far away from all that had hurt him. He wanted to forget, like had forgotten all those years ago. 

Ken couldn't do that and he knew it. That peace came with a price he was not willing to pay for a second time. This time he would endure and maybe with Takeru around he would be able to. 

It only took him a few minutes to shove some shirts and pants into the bag; he was not really paying attention to what he was doing. He was only dimly aware that his pants and shirts would end up with a large amount of wrinkles and he was also made sure that his underwear and shoes stayed as far away from each other as possible. Finally after a quick trip to the bathroom, to collect a few more items, he was ready and walked back into the living room. 

"Junta, I'm going to be stay with Takeru for a while okay?" Ken spoke softly, trying to keep his voice neutral. He wished he could do the same with his emotions—neutralize them so that he would feel no more pain and suffering because of Daisuke's betrayal. Maybe then his slow death wouldn't be so painful. 

Junta didn't look up form the packet of sheets he held in his hands but nodded and waved goodbye and wished Ken luck with whatever it was that was bothering him. Ken smiled, but he knew that no matter how he tried it would look nothing more then grim and he was happy that Junta wasn't really looking at him. He then turned and walked towards the door. While getting ready to slip on his shoes, he was called back. 

"Ken! Ken!" He turned to watch Junta running towards him, holding a few sheets of paper in his hands. 

"What is it?" Ken was slightly puzzled at what would make Junta so excited. 

"I made this copy of an old article for a paper for my class." Junta began staring at Ken with surprise evident in his eyes. His contact lenses always made him seem like he wasn't being completely honest yet he could tell that there would nothing but honesty from Junta contact lens or no. Ken had always found it amusing how Junta would wear contact lenses and then those prescription-less silver glasses. But the man was right; it did make it seem like the contacts were more real that way. 

"Junta, get to the point." Ken sighed; he was in no mood for Junta's long winded explanations and so cut him off before he started. 

Junta glared at him. "Well, as I was getting ready to cite it and I noticed this pic down here." He pointed to a somewhat blurred black and white picture. "And I was looking at it and guess what I saw! I want you to tell me if I'm right. Is that Motomiya-kun in that cop's arms?" 

Ken blinked then snatched the paper from Junta's hand, holding it close to his face as examined it. The picture being a little blurry made it hard to identify what was going on, but once he began to really focus he could make it out every well. First person he recognized was Daisuke's father—Motomiya Kiyoyuki. The face was much younger but Ken could recognize that face anywhere. Then he looked down at the boy in the man's arms, his eyes widening in instant recognition. 

"Daisuke…?" Ken breathed out. 

"Then I was right. Shit that's not cool." Junta rubbed the bridge of his nose and avoided Ken's eyes. Ken looked back down at the picture. "Did you know? Did Motomiya-kun tell you 'bout this?" 

"No…" Ken whispered. He wasn't sure why he was whispering though. "What's this—" 

"I think Motomiya-kun should tell you." Junta interrupted taking the paper out of Ken's hands. 

"But—" 

Junta stared at him for a long moment. "Look really I think it would be a lot better coming from him. Crap, shouldn't of asked you anything, now your giving me that 'tell me or I'll bug the shit out of you' look. Okay, I'll tell you this and just this, I got the article and picture for my Criminal Justice class. The papers suppose to be about pedophiles." 

*** 

_"Ne, we're free right?"_ A little redheaded boy nodded at the question. 

_"That's what they keep sayin'."_ Two pairs of brown eyes stared at the small blond boy sitting on a chair, his scarped knees pressed against his thin chest. _"Think it's true?"_

__

"I-I think it could be." The only female spoke, brown eyes moving from the blond to the redhead. _"I saw Fujiwara-sama, he had handcuffs on and he was real angry looking." _

_"I'm scared. I don't know what's gonna happen now. You think it's true, the free thing?" _

There was a small silence where none of the three children said a word; not that it was any different for the redhead. He hadn't said anything at all to begin with. 

_"Do you know what it means?" _

The redhead looked up at the blond, eyebrows arching as he asked silently for an explanation of what he meant. 

_"Free. I keep hearing it, but I don't know what it means."_ The little girl's eyebrows knitted together and she bit on her thumbnail, trying hard to think of an answer. 

_"Think it's a good thing, like when they give you real nice warm food. Like when you do good and they give you lots of good food but don't touch you or nothing. Or like after you make one of 'em real happy and Fujiwara-sama says you don't gotta go up for a few days." _

The little blond boy smiled, crystal blue eyes shinning with happiness at the girl's words. _"I like it when Fujiwara-sama is happy. I like being free if it's like that. What do ya think they'll give us?" _

The two began to chat happily for a few moments then they turned to the redhead asking him to voice his thoughts. He turned his head and looked at them. 

_"Fujiwara-sama will never let us be free…"_ he spoke softly but his voice was hard and set in its decisions. _"Remember we're not suppose to be happy. We don't deserve freedom."_

The other two looked down, the little blond resting his cheek on his bent knee and sighed softly. While the little girl looked down playing with a strand of her long dark hair, everyone loved her hair though she couldn't stand it and wished she could cut it off. 

_"How long til—" _

_"Shhh night comes." _

_"Yeah, they don't like it when we talk too much." _

*** 

The clicking of her heels died out the minute she stopped; now she stood in front of a brown door in total silence. She stared at the gold plated number nailed to the door for a long time, wondering if this was really a smart idea. She wanted to help. She'd been wanting to find a way to help for a long time but never could find the exact way. And now she had a way, Wallace had told her how, but it felt so wrong. So intrusive. Wasn't there another way? 

She sighed, how long was she planning on waiting? How many years had passed while she waited, trying her best to find the perfect way of helping while doing small things that made the situation better but did not correct it? She wanted to help and make things begin their long awaited movements. But again she wondered if this was the correct way? If this would not just make the situation worse. 

What else could she do?

What to say? How to begin? Could she really do this? She wished Wallace could have done this. He had changed so much over the years—both of them had. Wallace and herself had grown and changed and learned so many things, seen so many things, done so many things. They had grown and matured and become what they had never expected to become. Yet, still it all remained the same even for them…for him. 

She had to do it. She had promised. She'd do it for him. For all of them. It was time to move on if it were possible. She wanted to do it. Wanted to help in any way she could. Maybe then peace could finally be achieved and old ghost could finally be put to rest. For all of them she would break the silence and begin the movements. 

Raising her hand she knocked.

*** 

Ken had just put the telephone down when there came a knock at the door. He had been debating whether or not to call Daisuke. He wanted to ask him about the picture that Junta had showed him but he also couldn't bring himself to talk to Daisuke yet. It still hurt and he was still angry. And now he was torn between his curiosity and worry over what that picture, and what Junta had said meant, and his anger and hurt over his betrayal. 

He wished he had never started it. It was the worst mistake he had ever made. Now he had no idea whether he would continue to be Daisuke's friend or not. Could he really after he found out what he really meant to the redhead? Could he really learn to hate Motomiya Daisuke? Even now he worried about him, even after he had broken Ken's heart he still worried about him. 

There came another knock at the door and Ken stood to answer it. Had Takeru forgotten his keys? No he remembered hearing the blond lock the door when he had left for his job. He had almost not gone. But Ken had convinced him to leave, he had not gone the day before preparing a place for Ken to stay while the raven haired man had been picking up some clothes from his own apartment. Ken didn't want to be too much of a burden for Takeru even if it had been the blond who insisted that Ken stay for a while. 

Ken reached the door and opened it as far as the chain would allow, peeking out at the person who had knocked. 

"Yes?" Ken asked.

"Takaishi Takeru?" She asked, her voice soft and melodious. It was a calm and soothing voice. A voice that could make Ken fall into a deep peaceful sleep if he listened to it long enough. 

"No, he's not here." Ken answered wondering whom this woman was. 

The woman made a small sound as if thinking of what to do next. "Um, could you tell him that a friend of Wallace's came to speak with him." 

Ken blinked telling her to hold on for a second and quickly closing the door, removing the small chain that kept the door from opening completely and reopening it again. 

"You know Wallace?" She nodded. 

"We have known each other since childhood." Ken took in the woman for a moment. Short black done in a sort of bowl cut yet her bangs were long and curled slightly near her full breast. She also had large vivid brown eyes—brown eyes that reminded him greatly of Daisuke's only these were a lighter shade then the redhead's. Yet both were still guarded and cautious, hidden emotions could be seen just behind the guards but not enough to be distinguished. She was tall, but maybe that was only because of her heels, and she was shapely. Her long silken garments showing off the shapely curves of her body. She almost seemed to have come out of an old Chinese fable. 

"Maybe I can help." Ken said. "I'm a friend of Takeru's and have meet Wallace on one or two occasions. My name is Ichijouji Ken." 

She looked at him for a moment. "If you really are Ichijouji-san then I have no reason to speak with Takaishi-san any longer. I've already found you." 

Ken blinked at him, quite confused at what she meant. She smiled a bit aware of his confusion. 

"This is going to take some time." She said. "May I come in?" 

He nodded and stepped aside, allowing her to walk in. Closing and locking the door, he lead the strange woman deeper into the apartment. He then motioned for her to sit and went to get some tea. 

She sat graciously thanking him and waited for him to return, looking around at the semi-neat apartment while trying to calm her nerves. There was no turning back now and she was somewhat happy about that, now at least she couldn't chicken out and run away. Now she had to speak with Ichijouji Ken. 

_What a beautiful man he is. _She thought, smiling slightly. _And gracious too. But there's no surprise there. Anything less then I would have been surprised. _

Ken returned after a few minutes, a tray in hand and served them both tea before sitting down across from the woman. 

"So what did you want to speak with me about?" He asked, looking a slight bit uncomfortable. She could tell just by looking at him that he was not going through the best of times and had a good feeling why. She also knew that what she was about to do was not going to make him feel any better. 

"First, I wish to tell you my name. It would be rude of me not to." He nodded for her to continue. "I am Jing Long-Yin and I am not only a friend of Wallace but of Shun also." 

Ken blinked. "Shun?" 

A long sigh escaped Long-Yin's plum painted lips. "I am sorry, I always forget that he changed his name after we were separated." She looked thoughtful for a second—as if trying to remember something—then smiled. "Motomiya Daisuke was the name Shun took on after we were all taken from Fujiwara Yasunori." 

Ken stared at the woman in shock; he had no idea what to say. Daisuke wasn't really Daisuke? He had lived with people that were not the Motomiyas? So many questions were forming in his head and he had no idea where to start asking. Though he had a feeling Long-Yin would be answering them all for him even without being asked. 

"You must understand that this is very difficult for me." She said, looking away for a moment. "I am going to tell you things that you have no business hearing form me. But as Wallace said this is the only way to move on and I believe him. Shun, Wallace, and myself change but do not move and maybe with the uncovering of the truth we can finally begin to move on. Even if by telling you this it does not directly affect us, but we have moved more then Shun has…" She trailed off looking down at her folded hands. 

"I don't understand." Ken said, finally able to find his voice. "What is it that you are going to tell me?" 

Long-Yin raised her head and looked directly into Ken's eyes. "Starting since I can remember to my ten years of age, I had been a child prostitute. Myself, Wallace, and Shun who were at least eight when the brothel was finally shut down by the police and Motomiya-san." 

*** 

Ken's eyes widened at the woman's words, his mind was swimming and he felt as if he were about to faint. He could not have heard right. There was just no way he had heard right. It just could not be true. His hands moved to grip the arms of the chair he was currently sitting in. Everything in his life had finally come crashing down. It had all turned upside down. Once he knew everything and now he knew nothing. So these were the secrets locked away in inner recesses of Daisuke's soul. 

"I know this is difficult for you." Long-Yin continued, "And I honestly do wish it was Shun telling you all this then a complete stranger, but this is the only way Wallace could think of to fix this problem.

"We've known for quite some time what has been going on between you and Shun though we didn't expect it to end the way it had. Understand please that he is quite upset over hurting you, you are so very important to him. You and Takaishi-san. But he does not know how to really treat intimacy, he dances around an understanding that he can not even reach, if that makes any sense."

Ken shook his head. He wasn't sure if it was a form a denial or a way to clear his head. It was probably a little of both. 

"But the Motomiyas care about him so much." Ken spoke, his voice hoarse like if he had been yelling for hours. "They've shown him so much love. How can he not know!" 

Long-Yin shook her head. She knew this was not going to be easy. But she had to try. For all their sakes, especially Daisuke's. 

__

Shun, you may not appreciate this now but later you will. I know it. 

"That's different." Long-Yin explained, her voice always staying calm and mellow. "And it took a very long time to accomplish. Yet still Shun is weary of them deep down inside, no matter how grateful he is to them for helping him so much and no matter how much they have accomplished. He is still not out of the darkness, the darkness that he was thrown into by Fujiwara Yasunori so many years ago. It was the only life we knew and the only teachings we had since we can remember. It is all so hard to forget and even now there are things we will never let go of. 

"Shun, has let go of very little. I believe deep down inside he still expect Fujiwara Yasunori to come and take us back. But it is understandable, Shun was the one in most contact with Fujiwara. I once remember hearing that when he had come to our doorstep, the master had immediately taken him for his own. He trained him, we all knew that, and he was the only one that was saved for anyone." 

"Saved…?" Ken echoed feeling incredibly sick. He wasn't sure what he was going to end up doing—be it fainting, screaming or throwing up. All he knew was that he need to take long intakes of breaths and stay as still as possible. 

Long-Yin took a deep breath and got ready to continue her explanation. 

***

Back then we were all available to the ones that could afford us. Of course, the prettier ones always become more popular and with more popularity came a higher rental price. But that is normal when conducting any business. There were few of us that were considered as such to be sold at a high price. And any that were tended to spend most of their time away from the other children, not to the point that we never saw the others. It was just we had slightly better accommodations so that they could continue to sell us at high prices. 

Wallace and I were one of the so-called lucky ones to be considered expensive. That was how we meet. I remember it distinctly; it had been after a session with a more brutal client. He had come back quite miserable and nearly in tears, it had been his first real experiences with someone so cruel and so I had decided to quiet him down. Fujiwara never did like it when we cried, if the client liked it then we were expected to cry but if there was no client we were to keep quiet and not bother any of the adults. 

Well anyway, a little bit after I meet Wallace we became friends with Shun. It was not because Shun had just been added to the expensive list; he had been on it since the beginning. Shun has always attracted people to him—his eyes, his hair and skin tone. He's always been very beautiful and Fujiwara trained him perfectly. He could respond to any situation, believe me I have seen him in action. So he was always the most expensive from what I could tell, to know for sure you'd need to find those records and who knows where they are now. All I knew at the time was that Shun was not sold to just anyone, Ayumi-san—our nanny in a sense—said so once. And after some time, he would be only used by certain people whom would pay so that he was not given to just anyone. 

But when we had finally began to speak with Shun it had been a strange and somewhat frightening experience. He was never one to talk to anyone, not like now. He had always sat quietly to the side and just watched, never participating in anything. Only Ayumi-san was really able to speak to him before, and then as time went by Wallace and I were able to spend time with him. Yet, there has never been that much of a connection between us. Not the way you have been able to accomplish with him. We still know more then you, Ichijouji-san. For now. 

I remember nights when I would return and he'd just watch me sit down and begin to clean myself. He'd just watch with blank eyes and I wondered how much he really cared. It was frightening. I mean, we were all use to it. We all thought it was the only thing we would be able to do. It was normal and we learned to deal with it and not think about it. But Shun seemed conformed in a way that was almost frightening. He never dreamed like we did, yet he never said he didn't want to leave. He just said there was no where for us to go. 

I think he's always believed that deep down. That belief of us not being able to fit anywhere. The way he acts around us is so different from the way we've seen him act around other people and I wonder which one of those faces is the false one. Wallace once told me that that both were true, that they were just different parts of Shun. 

"He, like all of us, are living contradictions." He had said. "We are the byproducts of truths and fallacies. Their truths, their lies, our truths and our lies these are the things that have shaped us into who we are now. Hypocritical, jaded, cynical, contradictions afraid to step forward but unable to stay where we are. We move forward learning yet only really absorbing and assimilating. Making a new face that will help us get through our newest uncertainty." 

How right he is has always been hard to tell. Sometimes I feel as if everything he has said is a truth that is somewhere written in stone, but at other times it feels like he's wrong. Yet, with Shun I think that is the way it is. It is like no one has ever seen his real face, only masks. A mask for every occasion, but each mask holds one of his true features. So it is like a puzzle that needs to be put together. 

And I believe you are that person that can put it together. You, Ichijouji Ken, who has seen so many of the different masks and I believe that at one time or another you have also had a glimpse at the real Shun. The real Motomiya Daisuke. Because out of all of us, he cares for and trusts _you_ the most. 

TBC

*Yes, I'm doing it Houshin Engi style, bring in a new character just before the story finishes. Actually the idea for Long-Yin came around chapter six (remember I mentioned a new idea back then) and I've been debating it for quite some time. Since it fit and my original ending was more of a cop out, like my best friend told me, I decided to change it and have fun with her. Trust me this is not her last appearance.

*_My heart aches, it aches, because it is so fragile _

If my thoughts of you cannot come true, I'd rather wilt! 

The translation to the lyrics in between those two parts of the story. They are from L'Arc~en~Ciel's song Flower, which has done cameos in this story before. 

*In response to watch Clicker's review, I have considered a threesome many times. That's actually why I keep writing their interactions the way I have been writing them. Now if it will happen I have no idea. Although the story is somewhat planned, I make up most of it as I go along (oh, big surprise). So we'll both find out by the end of the story, won't we? I may end up breaking my promise without wanting too, well I'll make it up to him if it happens. ^^;

*One last thing, Culumon's image song is freaking cute! Had to say that since I'm listening to it right now. 


	11. Default Chapter

Chapter 10

__

Around and round... In the time left behind, I am now   
Les miserables   
I loved you too much and you are now on the other side of the wall   
Laughing softly 

My feelings will never reach you... I'll put them in a sigh 

Bathed in the cold wind   
Imagining these feelings night after night   
The melody I hum softly   
Is etched in time and disappears   
I can't forget the sadness that will I can never go back   
Even now I can't dye myself with these swaying emotions and my body   
Is about to break... 

--Gackt, "Mizerable" 

Ken sat quietly in the living room trying to processes everything he had heard and telling that one same voice in his head that it wasn't a lie, that it wasn't a dream, but that it was true. 

__

It is true. 

Everything he had heard—_everything. _It was all true. And he had known nothing about it! He had not known, had not helped, had not comforted, had only used. It made him feel a thousand times worse. He wished for Takeru to be there so that he could have someone to lean on now that he was completely alone with his thoughts. 

Long-Yin had left shortly after she had finished her story, but not before begging him to help her friend for her. Telling him that she was entrusting Daisuke in Ken's hand because she believed that he was good for Daisuke. 

__

"Just by having this conversation with you, by watching you react and talk about Daisuke. I know that you are exactly what he needs." 

He wasn't sure what to think of her words. Could he really do what she wanted? Was he capable of doing anything that related to Daisuke after the way their relationship had ended? Even if Daisuke had this horrible past, could he really forgive and forget and try to help out the only man he had ever really loved? 

__

Who doesn't love you back…

But who saved your soul…

Who broke your heart…

And held you when you cried…

Who brought you so much pain and heartache…

He's only known pain and heartache…

"And then he said to me, _'What I feel doesn't matter.' I had no idea how to react to that Ken, but I know it's not good." _

Ken closed his eyes, running his fingers through his hair. All these different thoughts were driving him crazy. He was having trouble thinking straight, understanding…deciding. He shook his head; Daisuke didn't care about him the way he thought he did. Daisuke had _used_ him and that was unforgivable. Daisuke's betrayal was unforgivable. 

Betrayal, pain, fear, suffering…all these had been so common in Daisuke's childhood and now he had caused Ken to feel the same way again. He didn't want to see him again; he hated Daisuke. At least he wanted too. Then maybe he wouldn't hurt so much anymore, because there was no love left and he could move on with his life and completely forget.

But why did he feel like spoiled child? That some how this wasn't just Daisuke's fault, that this was also his fault. He was partly to blame some how. He wasn't the victim he thought he was. 

*** 

Takeru sighed and opened the door to his apartment, he slipped off his shoes once he entered and closed his door then wandered deeper in. Sitting on the couch, staring blankly into space, was Ken one of the sources of many headaches for the past few days. He hadn't seen the other source since that day and he was worrying himself into migraines. 

But that wasn't the biggest reasons for his headaches, it was what was said on that day. After he had finally gotten out of his stupor and chased after Daisuke. It was what was said between them…

He had sat there for a few minutes, in tears, miserable and wallowing in self-pity and hatred for not being able to help his friends before he had stood up and chased after Daisuke. Not exactly sure why or what he intended to say but knowing that he had to get to Daisuke. And angry because Daisuke had easily given up, his anger giving him that extra rush to catch up to the redhead. 

Why had he given up so easily? Why couldn't he just try! 

He had caught up with Daisuke and held onto him, not letting him leave—demanding that the other man return, and not give up. At the same time remembering Ken's eyes. The pain so tangible that he could touch it. And he could, all he had to do was reach out and touch Ken. Then he could touch it, taste it, feel it. 

Daisuke had argued back, screaming at him that he didn't understand. That Takeru had no right to say anything without knowing the full story.

__

"Then tell me the full fucking story!" Takeru growled back at him._ "Make me understand what it is that's made you into such a fucking asshole to the one person that trusted you with the one thing more important, more **precious**, then his life!_

Daisuke had looked at him with pain filled eyes, and Takeru now berated himself on being so insensitive and saying so many horrible things to his friend. But at that moment he had been so frustrated and angry, especially with himself, that he had not realized that his actions—his words—were not helping the situation but making it worse…much worse. 

Daisuke had removed the pain from his eyes rather quickly, replacing it with intense anger, saying things to him that had shocked and hurt him. 

__

"And so the truth finally comes out." His smile had been so cruel. Meant to hurt Takeru the way he had hurt Daisuke. _"It's not about helping me and Ken. Just Ken. Only Ken. **Your** Ken." _

Takeru had denied it. It wasn't true. It wasn't just for Ken. Never just for Ken. But Daisuke had not been listening and continued, looking quite proud of his little revelation. 

__

"Are you so jealous," He had said his lips twisted forming a cruel smile, _"that you aren't able to realize that I am not the only person that Ken trusts with his heart? You have as much right to be there for him as I do! Want him to feel loved so badly? You do it. Stop looking for me, who's **failed**! Take him. Make him yours. You said it yourself, you can teach someone to love you the way you love them. You can teach Ken to love you the way he loves me. It's your chance Takeru, don't lose it trying to be a chivalrous fool!" _

Takeru knew that this wasn't just for Ken, that he truly wanted to help Daisuke as well. But he could not help but admit how nice it would be if Ken could just forget Daisuke. How nice it would be if Ken looked at him the way he did Daisuke. 

He wouldn't hurt Ken; he had no reason too. He'd take care of Ken and make sure he always felt loved and was always happy. Just like he and Daisuke had promised. But could he really do this? Could he really claim Ken? Did he really want to claim him? 

"Oh, Takeru okaeri." Ken said, blinking up at the blond. "I didn't even hear you come in." 

"Yeah, you were kinda out of it." Takeru smiled warmly at his friend. "So how are you?" 

There it was. That shadow. That same shadow that passed over Ken's face every time he thought about Daisuke these days. Takeru frowned. He knew exactly how worthless Ken was feeling and he wanted to do nothing more then to make Ken realize how wrong he was. Just how precious he really was. Takeru wanted so badly to let Ken know how special he really was. 

"I'm okay." Ken's smile lacked any real mirth and that annoyed Takeru. He walked over to the couch his friend was situated on and slung an arm around his shoulders in a comforting manner.

"Bullshit." Takeru mummered, "You know better then to lie to me, Ken." 

Ken sighed softly. He should have known better, but Takeru didn't really know the reason that he was so upset. That his problems had increased, that now the reasons he was so miserable were less shallow. They weren't just 'Daisuke dumped me' problems. 

He wanted so badly to tell Takeru everything that he had been told, but he could not forget how uncomfortable Long-Yin had been about telling Ken, even if she knew that there was good reason. And Ken had to agree with her; it would have been better coming from Daisuke himself not from a complete strange. And he applied the same to himself and Takeru, even if he weren't a complete stranger and even if Takeru and Daisuke's relationship wasn't as nonexistent as his relationship was now with the redhead. 

This was something he would have to deal with, even if he knew that it would make it so much easier on him to tell Takeru. Takeru had always been the one he could come to talk to and get advice and help on how to deal with the problem. Daisuke had been able to do the same but not the same way as Takeru. Takeru helped him deal by facing his problems, comforting them and making it better. Daisuke would help by making him forget he even had a problem, pushing it down by making him focus on something else, something that made him happy. Only facing the problem when he truly had no other way of helping Ken escape it. Together both friends had helped him deal with so many things. But now he had neither to help him through this problem, through his pains and indecision. 

"I know." Ken said looking up at Takeru. "I'm just trying to deal, it's not easy." 

Takeru smiled warmly, trying to convey comfort and support through that smile even though the sight of his best friend so miserable, and knowing that somewhere else his other best friend was just the same, was tearing him apart. He raised his hand the gently moved silky raven strands behind Ken's ear, his fingers brushing Ken's soft skin, so that his friend couldn't hide his face with a veil of inky dark hair. And Takeru couldn't help the soft breath that left his lips, Ken was so beautiful and somehow the misery on his face didn't mar the man's perfection. But Takeru knew how much more beautiful he was with that shy smile on his face. How he wished he could bring any kind of _real_ smile to Ken's face. 

"I just wish there was an easy way to make it stop hurting." Ken turned his head, blue eyes meeting. "It hurts incredibly." 

"I know." Was the only thing Takeru could reply with and it hurt him intensely that there wasn't anything else he could say to make Ken feel better, just like there wasn't anything he could say or do to make Daisuke feel better, get better, or at least want too. "I know." 

He wanted to make Ken forget somehow but he wasn't good at that. It wasn't his role in the relationship and he had angered and insulted the only person who truly knew how to make Ken forget. 

It angered him also that _he_ couldn't help Ken forget, but it was an anger towards himself because he was so resigned to the part he played as Ken's friend. Why was he the one that had to make the man face his problems and watch as it destroyed him while Daisuke was the one that gave him the gift of forgetfulness? 

And then he remembered what Daisuke had told him and he wondered if he could really do it. He was no longer of thinking about claiming Ken but of just helping him forget the betrayal and loneliness. He had as much right to it as Daisuke. He could do it if he wanted to. And he so wanted to. But it seemed that the two ideas would always come together. Making Ken forget and claiming him as Takeru's. Some how he had begun to believe that by helping Ken erase the feel of Daisuke's touches, kisses, and caresses, he could help the man erase Daisuke's betrayal as well. 

Could he really risk doing something that sounded so illogical even to himself—the very same person that had thought up that wacked-out theory?   
Ken began to speak about something and Takeru tried very hard to listen to him but found it incredibly difficult. His mind would continue to wander no matter how hard he tired to concentrate on what his friend was saying, concentrating again and again on the prettily shaped mouth or the expressive blue eyes that would darken or lighten depending on his mood, sometimes even becoming violet when the emotion was powerful enough. This was combined with the words that he did catch, the words of a broken heart. Angry and confused, but most of all just hurt and looking for a way to end that pain and move on with his life. 

And at that one moment Takeru realized just how much he loved Ken. Beautiful, sweet, shy Ken that would sit around for hours with him and talk about the most meaningless things, or talk of nothing at all. Who had been there for him when his mother and father had seen each other again after almost a year and began to say such crude things to each other that Takeru had felt that he would scream. But he didn't because Ken had been there with a warm smile and found a way to make the mind jarring arguments stop. He was the one that held him together with his quiet strength, who had really suggested Tuesday night bonding sessions with Daisuke, and who would sob on his shirt all night, trusting him so completely just like trusted him. And the fact that someone would trust him, someone who he had cursed as a child, someone who had just recently learned what complete trust could do to him, brought such a protective feeling to him…a protective love. 

He loved Ken and he would do anything for him—but he had already known this. Now he knew exactly just what anything was. Breaking the roles and the rules and the friendship—as they all had done—and express that love that he hadn't known was there, or maybe he had known and had just ignored it. It didn't matter. He would do anything to make the man in front of him happy and himself happy as well. 

"Ken…" He whispered softly. Ken stopped speaking and looked at Takeru, blue eyes—almost violet with intensity as if a strange light had been caught in them—stared questioningly at him. One hand raised stroking Ken's cheek with his knuckles and he just looked at him for a moment, not sure what he wanted to say, if there was anything that he could say that would sound right to his own ears. 

Not that he had to say anything, Takeru could see the comprehension in Ken's eyes and then the hesitation and the confusion. The longing that Takeru knew was strange to Ken when it had nothing to do with Daisuke. The thought of the other man annoying Takeru but he kept his features in check, it wouldn't do well to upset Ken any further, so he put all his efforts in conveying what he really wanted Ken to know. 

Minutes passed like this and Takeru waited, knowing that there was nothing more that he could do but wait. He wouldn't do anything else but wait. 

His eyes closed, long black lash resting on soft cheeks, and his head tilted slightly pressing deeper into the hand that cupped his cheek. Takeru bowed his head, slowly moving forward and tentatively brushing his lips across Ken, testing for a negative reach. Then pressing his lips against the others, reveling in the softness and enjoying the intimacy. He felt Ken's hands wrap around him, a hold desperate and tight. The protective feeling flooding his sense making him hold Ken tighter, conveying love and comfort and all those things that he could never say but wanted Ken to know. 

They continued to kiss, their kisses and touches becoming more intimate. Their movements somewhat desperate, clinging to each other as if they were afraid the other would leave. A fear that they knew was true and wanted so badly to change. To forget the world, to forget the pain, to only think of the warmth the other body was giving off. And they did for those few moments in each other's arms, forgetting the hardships of life with the ecstasy of being so intimately close. 


	12. Default Chapter

Chapter 11

It was always the same it seemed. But then that wasn't exactly too surprising. He didn't deal to well with change. It never exactly fit with how he viewed himself and the universe. But that was the point of it right? To change your views on things, yet he was extremely adamant in this hatred for change. It probably had to do with the fact that he was scared of it. But he wasn't going to dwell too much on that. It didn't exactly matter anyway. He'd make sure it didn't matter. 

And that was why he was here again. Here in some stranger's bed getting fucked silly by some guy that didn't even really care that he wasn't exactly hard and that he really wasn't pay much attention either. But this was normal. This was what he was use to and knew how to deal with—what to expect. This was comfortable in some strange twisted way that only made sense to him. 

What's his name was pretty enough, though not exactly into paying attention to things that didn't directly affect him. Like whether Daisuke was coming or not. He had met him at a club, dancing in a way that screamed 'look at me' and people were and he was enjoying it. He liked being noticed, one could tell by the way he dressed, moved, spoke—everything was flawless. Everything was practice and immaculately done so that he, whatever his name was, seemed almost untouchable in his perfection. 

That was why Daisuke had gone up to him and begun to flirt with talent that only someone as trained as he could have. He sat the correct way at the bar, telling the pretty boy directly with his body what his words sometimes didn't even mention. He was a wonderful tease and a perfect flirt and he was confident enough to know that when he stood up and left the boy would come with him, while all those other faceless strangers would be left watching him with a mixture of desire and jealousy. 

Daisuke had seen it all before. It was nothing new. It was comforting. It was what he wanted. And he would probably go and do it again later that night. Just so that he wouldn't have to think, just so things would come back to a semi-normalcy. 

Pretty-boy had finally cum and had fallen on top of him, exhausted. Daisuke smiled, saying all the right words and knowing that the other hadn't even noticed that he had not even cum. It never ceased to amuse Daisuke, even as a child, how easily he could lie to the self-absorbed. How by just saying a few things these people would believe that you were the best he'd ever had, even when evidence—if they cared enough to notice—said the contrary. 

He let the boy lay on him for a few moments before shifting from under him and getting up. It's not like the other really wanted him to stay and cuddle. That wasn't the point of the meeting, which hadn't really done what he wanted. It was strange to him too; a good mindless fuck with a faceless stranger would always help bring life back to its normalcy. 

Normalcy? Normalcy? Why did that word mean so much to him? There was nothing normal about his life or the way he had lived it…the way it had been lived for him. All he really wanted was for everything to go back to the way it was before. 

All he really wanted to do was to go home and not remember. 

Remember things he didn't even want to name at the moment. But going home meant remembering, because everything there would remind him. So he didn't go home, he would just stay out until he was too tired to think let alone remember what everything wanted to remind him of.

With the quickness of years of practice he put on his clothes and left the small room, back down to where millions of people became one swaying mass controlled by music. He moved through them quickly, seeming almost as if they parted for him and headed towards the exit where he was confronted by a shadow of the past…no, not a shadow it was wrong of him to think of her like that. She was one of the only things from that time that he could look back upon with any form of fondness. 

"Long-Yin." He wasn't surprised. He had a feeling he'd see her again sometime soon. Wallace had made certain comments that made Daisuke believe he'd be seeing one of them again. It had been a while since he'd seen either of them. Communicating through email and phone calls just to make sure the other was fine. They were, to each other, the only unwanted and wanted links to the past left.

"Shun." 

A soft sigh. "You came looking for me I take it?" 

She nodded—a graceful movement of her head. She turned and walked out of the night club, knowing that Daisuke would follow, just like he had know that Pretty-boy would follow back then. 

****

"It took me two hours to find you." She commented her voice was somewhat toneless as if she were uninterested in what she was talking about. But this was normal for her; it was part of whom she really was. The side that only he was able to see. The real her. Not the mask of kind, shy, politeness she had learned to show to the world. But even then Long-Yin was complicated, because her real self consisted of two different personas it seemed. These personas, though part of the same whole, appeared depending on whom she's with. When with Wallace, she's usually amused and smiling, when with Daisuke she was calm and her movements were quite mute. When together with them she was both at once. 

At the moment her calmness and muteness were intensified. It was to fit the situation better. 

****

"Suma na, it's totally my fault. I should have known you were looking for me." She smirked at his sarcasm. As she always did. She was expecting it the way he had been expecting her toneless words. 

There was a long silence between them; both more paying attention to the sound of their footsteps echoing in the lonely darkened streets then each other. It was normal for them. 

_Ah, again with the 'normal'…_Daisuke smirked. One would think he would be use to the idea that his life was not or would never be normal. That _he_ would never be normal. 

"I told Ichijouji-san everything." The words were whispered in that same toneless manner that she had used when telling him that she was looking for him. He stopped and looked at her, who had stopped as well and had turned to look back at him. She did not have to tell him what 'everything' was. He knew. There was only one 'everything' that they both shared. 

"Why?" It was all he could really say. What was he to say? He wasn't angry, just somewhat shocked and felt somewhat betrayed. He was also scared. Extremely scared. 

He knew now. Ken knew his dirty little secret. What would he say? What would he do? How does he feel? Would he even care? Why should he care? He had no reason to. Not after before. 

"Wallace told me to." Was her reply and he looked at her with an expression that was only annoyance. Why did she always have to do things this way? The difficult way.

"Why did you tell him?" He knew she wouldn't just do it because Wallace said to. She had her reasons and he wanted to know what they were. Even if he already had a good idea why she—they—had done it.

"He needed to know…" Long-Yin paused for a moment before continuing, "why you hurt him so badly." There was a bitter little smile on her face. "He loves you." 

"I know." Daisuke mummered, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. "I know." He sighed though, a long sigh. One that was reserved for when something was finally finished. 

"You think he'll give up on you now." He wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement. No matter how long he'd known Long-Yin and no matter how well he could read her monotonous actions; there were times where he still became confused. 

Daisuke shrugged as a response and she smiled a bit.

"When I spoke with him he never once looked repulsed." Long-Yin said now relaying the events of that day. "I am not sure if he controlled it as not to offend me or if it was genuine. He was shocked, naturally, and looked very saddened. There were moments when he looked angry, but that expression did not seem his—flashes of someone else. That someone else would stay for a few moments then almost be forced back and he'd look so tired."  
At the mention of the Kaiser, Daisuke had to control the urge to run and find Ken. It shocked him how he had brought out that old persona. That Ken had weakened enough to accidentally let him out because of the knowledge of Daisuke's past. It was an unreal and confusing thought with way too many meanings to be considered at the moment. 

"I, of course, tired to explain my reasons for telling him." She continued, "I told him I was doing it for your well-being, which is true in a sense. But he thinks I was doing it so that he can find a way to save you." She laughed at that, a bitter yet condescending sort of laugh and Daisuke couldn't help but join you. "He believed me. It's only natural that he would."

"But you don't believe he'll do it?" Daisuke asked and she nodded. 

"Neither does Wallace." She explained. "Especially not after the way you hurt him. He will pity you and now understand why you two can't be together. Wallace hopes that it will preserve that friendship that you hold so dearly." 

"Again you don't believe that will happen?" She shrugged her response; a soft smile curving plum painted lips. 

"I can not even speculate on that. I can only hope that it works out that way. I can understand why you hold him so dear to you." 

Daisuke shook his head at her words, resuming their walk. "I don't, if I had I wouldn't have started this to begin with." 

Long-Yin turned her head to look at him, her eyes tracing his profile. If she had been anyone else she would have took hold of his hand and given it a reassuring squeeze. But neither of them were much for reassuring touches. Touching to them meant other things, even if they knew the meaning it held for other people. Meanings that didn't follow suit with their beliefs. 

"We all make mistakes, Shun." She said, "Especially us whom have such problems with not pleasing." Then she added, "He may forgive you with time." 

Daisuke let out a long sigh, this one full of unhappiness. "I had once said I'd do anything to make sure he only knew happiness, but now I realize just how full of it I really was. I couldn't say it back to him." 

Long-Yin shook her head, she had heard all about it from Wallace. He had actually read the desperate email Daisuke had sent him on that day. Pleas for advice, for confirmation that he had indeed done the right thing. Daisuke had told them everything from the beginning until the end in one long drawn out email that she later found was also in her inbox. A email she would keep forever archived. It represented an ache she had no name for. 

"Feelings such as those could never be feigned." Daisuke nodded at her words. They rang true; he just didn't feel that way for Ken. And he doubted he ever would. He doubted he ever could. No matter how much he cared for Ken, his feelings could never run that deep for anyone. 

TBC

I'm happy about the reviews I got for the last chapter. I was a little afraid they'd come out negative. I haven't yet decided whether I'll leave it as a Kensuke or change it to a Taken or even do a Daikenkeru. All the ways I thought up to lead to them seem interesting. I just haven't decided which ones the best—or better said, which one I want I like the best. I wanted this to be a Kensuke, so _maybe_ it'll still come out that way. I don't know, in the end my muses always have their way. 


	13. Default Chapter

Chapter 12

He was there again, standing in the living room of Daisuke's apartment; eight steps away from the redhead who sat on the windowsill looking out of it, not bothered at all by the intensity of the light. He knew what he was supposed to do now. He was to call Daisuke's name and then try to walk towards him. Neither was going to work the way they were supposed to. He knew that. He also knew that he was supposed to continue running towards him with naive determination.

He wasn't going to do it. He had no reason to. He had no reason to chase after Daisuke. He and Daisuke weren't anything to each other anymore. He turned and moved towards the door, grabbing the knob when he reached it and turned it. He pulled. And then he pulled again. It wouldn't budge. It wouldn't open for him, no matter how hard he tried He could not get it open. 

He frowned; he didn't want to stay there. There was no reason for him to stay there. Daisuke wasn't his concern anymore. This fairy tale had been destroyed by reality. He would go back home. Back to Takeru who actually cared for him. Taking a few steps back he kicked the door down and walked through the door. A breeze passed by him as he went through and it felt as if the whole world turned. 

Ken gasped when he looked around his new surroundings…no not new. He'd been there before. He was right back where he started. He was in Daisuke's bedroom. A few steps and he would be back in the living room. Daisuke had not moved from his spot the windowsill. Frozen in time like Sleeping Beauty only he was sleepless. 

Everything was as it always was. 

So what now? Was he supposed to run to Daisuke? Continue playing his part in this story? He didn't want to. Didn't have to. Didn't care! He didn't care! Why did he have to get hurt because of Daisuke? Why did he have to strive to save Daisuke? Daisuke didn't want to even love him. So why bother? 

It was useless…so useless. 

It was wrong…so wrong…the fairy tale wasn't right. The story wasn't following the rules. He was to save and protect Daisuke but Ken was who really wanted to be saved and protected.

Nothing was as it should be yet nothing had ever changed. Daisuke didn't move but neither did he. Then suddenly everything did. Ken stared in awe as Takeru appeared next to Daisuke. The blond smiled brightly at Ken, then looked at Daisuke who had yet to acknowledge him. Takeru stretched out his hand to Daisuke, fingers gently grazing his cheek and the red head turned his head to look at Takeru for a moment before looking over at Ken and back at Takeru.

Takeru continued smiling as he walked towards Ken. He stopped in front of the raven-haired man, raising a hand to graze his cheek gently and Ken noticed that Daisuke was watching them. What Daisuke thought about it was a mystery because of the dull expression on his face. Ken turned his attention back to Takeru who continued to graze his cheek gently, his smile warm and comforting. Ken looked at him in confusion. What was going on? He didn't know nor did he understand. It was all so new and different. Nothing was right, nothing was at it should be. The complications were driving him mad. 

Takeru turned his head to look at Daisuke again, the warm loving smile never leaving his face as he walked around Ken and wrapped his arms around him. Ken felt the other's body press against his, molding in perfectly, his arms loosely embracing him—how easy it would be to break away from the other's hold but how hard it would be to lose that comforting warmth—and he watched Daisuke watch them. 

Daisuke looked at them for a long moment; the silence in the room was deafening. Then slowly he raised his arms from his sides and for a moment it looked like he would reach out for them. Takeru's body pressing more against Ken but in a way that made the raven haired man feel like he was being pushed forward while the blond's arms tightened around him. But Ken wasn't paying too much attention to that. He couldn't take his eyes away from Daisuke who slowly moved his arms outward as if calling for him to run to him, his brown eyes locking with Ken's and there was something desperate and terrifying about the look in his eyes and Ken could not bare to look, turning away and clutching tightly to the arms wrapped around him. He felt the vines wrap themselves around himself and Takeru holding them together painfully and he looked back at Daisuke to see him slowly folding his arms around his own body, giving himself a tight embrace. 

The shadows finally began to appear dancing wildly around Daisuke who still held himself and the darkness began to slowly wrap around him as well. Ken wanted to reach out for him again but he didn't want to, he felt Takeru's arms once more holding him loosely yet feeling the vines pressing their bodies together painfully. The darkness was become overwhelming and the shadows continued their insane dancing, slowly opening their eyes—green—and exhibiting their demonic smiles as they danced closer and closer to Daisuke until they slowly engulfed him.

Still Ken could see Daisuke.

Ken was about to scream Daisuke's name but the redhead moved, shifting back to his original position by the window, staring out of it like nothing had ever happened and the shadows stilled their demonic dance and the vines around Takeru and him loosened their painful grip. 

Ken stared, mind reeling, he could feel himself growing weak and as the world slowly began to blur he could hear different but familiar voice talking to him at once or one right after the other:

__

"Help me."

"I'll protect you." 

"I want to keep you safe."

"Let me go."

"Never let me go."

"I'll hold you tightly."

"I love you."

"I love you."

"I love you."

*** 

Ken woke up feeling rather warm and he shifted more towards that warmth. Blue eyes slowly appearing from under dark lashes, he took in the source of the warmth. He smiled softly, raising his hand and running one finger down the contours of Takeru's face, to trace the pink slightly opened mouth. 

Images of the night before rushing forth into his mind made him blush scarlet. He never thought he'd end here in Takeru's arms. It was still strange to him, but it wasn't a bad kind of strange. It was a 'need to get use to it' kind of strange. A strange that he wouldn't mind getting use too. It was comfortable in Takeru's arms and safe too. He knew he wouldn't be hurt with the blond. 

Takeru could make him feel so special. He felt he could forget and stay comfortable in the blond's arms. Never worry about being hurt or rejected. 

Curling closer to the man next to him, he began to try and sort out the meaning of everything that was going on. It all seemed so fast to him. Only the day before he had been depressed over losing Daisuke and now he was with Takeru…he had let Takeru touch him so intimately. It was strange to think that he could get over such strong feelings for one person so quickly. 

Takeru moved, his head moving underneath Ken's chin so that his soft breath warmed the raven-haired man's neck pleasantly. For a moment Ken thought that the blond had awakened but he showed no other signs of movement after that. Ken raised his hand and ran his long elegant fingers through Takeru mussed golden hair wondering if this was how it would end. If things could be so simply resolved, it felt like they were. But were they? It was hard to know. He wanted it so badly to be over, for the pain to recede to nothingness and it felt like it had. It felt so good to be in Takeru's arms, he felt no pain.

_Tonikaku…_  
But, there was always a but, he just couldn't accept the fact that it was over, no matter how much he wanted too. No matter how much it felt like it was. He knew it wasn't over. That's why he couldn't accept so easily the notion—

That's why I dreamed… 

—of dropping feelings so intense so quickly. It was improbable. This was just the eye before the storm. He knew it wasn't that simple. He knew it wasn't over yet. But at least he was partly there and he knew—

__

Dreams mean nothing…illusions of the mind. Dreams are just dreams, fairy tales.

—that one day soon he would no longer feel like he was just a spoiled child. That one day soon he wouldn't feel this guilt disappear. And one day he would feel for Takeru the same way he felt for Daisuke. That day would come and he would no longer feel as if he were using the blond man currently pressed against him in blissful sleep. He would also feel able to trust him like he had trusted Daisuke. 

Takeru truly was hope. 

***

"Are you sure?" Daisuke asked, twirling the telephone cord around his finger as he watched Long-Yin's graceful movements. "Why didn't you tell me before?" An arm raised high, her wrist flicked and the fan in her hand opened, then the arms lowered slowly. Her legs gracefully moving to change position and her arms moved to their designated areas. Her eyes were closed as she concentrated on a dance she could do in her sleep. 

"I was making sure it was worth your time." Daisuke hummed a response as he thought about what his friend was telling him. "I know you've been thinking about doing another show. You told me you're almost ready to start the process. So when this came up, I thought it would be a good idea. Was I wrong?" 

"No not wrong, Wallace." Daisuke replied. Long-Yin's made a full circle and Daisuke could just imagine the cherry blossoms flying passed her. He committed the image to memory hoping he would be able to actually put in on canvas without having to ask her to pose for him. "Just unexpected."

"So you won't do it?" 

"I never said that." Daisuke was quiet for a moment making Long-Yin stop her actions to look at him questioningly. He gestured his hand in a way that said he'd explain to her in a bit what was going on.

"Then you'll do it?" 

"I'd like to talk to the people in charge before I make any final decisions." 

He could almost picture Wallace's pretty smile. "All right I'll tell them to give you a call."

"They can just fax me the information."

"What do you want to know?" He could faintly hear the sounds of Wallace getting something to write on. When he was ready, Daisuke told him all he needed to know. "Okay! I'll relay the message. Hopefully you'll get a reply soon." 

"Mmm-hmm." 

"I hope you do it, it'll be good to see you again." 

Daisuke smiled softly. "Yes, it would be good. How long do you think it will take?" 

"Hmm? Not long." Wallace replied. "So you better brush up on your English!" 

"If it works out." Daisuke smiled, he could almost hear Wallace's pout. 

Long-Yin glanced at him as she raised her leg slightly before continuing along with her movements. Daisuke watched her as he spoke with Wallace and idly wondered how exactly Long-Yin could continue doing that dance knowing exactly what it really meant. But that answer was to hypocritical to let live so he squashed it and concentrated more on his conversation with Wallace which only lasted fifteen more minutes. 

He placed the phone on the receiver and turned to find Long-Yin standing in the middle of the room just watching him, all the art supplies and the couch had been moved so that she had space to do her dance. She was the most beautiful thing in the sloppy, dirty room. He smiled at her, running a hand through his messy hair and walked over to where the couch was now situated, dropping on to it.

"So what did Wallace want?" She asked after a long but comfortable silence. 

"There's talk of an art show in the great metropolis that is New York." Daisuke chuckled softly at his own words and Long-Yin smiled at the redhead's little jab at Wallace. "It seems a place so greatly cultured could recognize the work of a lowly Japanese artist." 

"Are you going? You did not seem too greatly excited while on the phone." Long-Yin asked, walking over to Daisuke and sitting down next to him. She lifted her legs, tucking them under her and placing her folded hands on her lap. 

Daisuke shrugged. "Why get excited over something that isn't final yet. I want to make sure some things go as I want them to before accepting anything. I think I'm good enough to be able to make a few demands na?"

Long Yin laughed; it was a gentle and soft sound. "Yes, I think so too." There was a short pause. "So how long will you be planning on staying?"

Another shrug and another long silence, Long-Yin watched him carefully as he thought. She would not say anything to break the silence; she would wait for Daisuke to do so. The redhead seemed to be thinking that question through carefully and she curiously awaited the carefully crafted answer he would give her. No matter how close they were, Daisuke never gave her a straightforward and sometimes completely true answer. But she believed it was because Daisuke wasn't use to doing that and he knew that he could keep nothing from Long-Yin anyway so he didn't have to try to change himself. 

"Until the end of the exhibitions I suppose," He finally answered turning his head to look at her, "and as long as Wallace can persuade me to stay." They both smiled at those last words. 

"He will guilt you into staying for a year since it has been so long since you two have seen each other." Long-Yin replied a gentle smile on her face. Daisuke nodded in agreement. 

There was another pause before Long-Yin decided to voice what had already passed through his mind. 

"How very convenient for this opportunity to appear now." She said, her features as calm as ever. "A nice way to end everything. This little trip will close the subject forever will it not?" 

Daisuke's hands gripped his pants tightly for a moment before he nodded and looked at her. She was surprised by the sadness in the man's eyes as well as overjoyed and saddened by it. How much these people meant to him was a wonderful surprise because such an attachment meant that Daisuke had opened up more then he had to anyone. Of course this excluded the Motomiyas, Wallace and herself. But they didn't truly count because they already knew the Daisuke's secrets and accepted the way those secrets had shaped his personality. But Takeru and Ken weren't part of that inner circle and for Daisuke to reach out to them the way he had meant that he had changed somewhat and for the better. 

_Unfortunately he will be running away from that positive influence…_She thought as she watched him fiddle with his shirt in a nervous gesture. He was somewhat comfortable, she could tell. _But I suppose that is for the best as well, Ichijouji-san and Takaishi-san do not and can not ever truly help him…only hurt him. Especially now that they know, since their ignorant belief that Shun was normal was what he treasured the most about them because it gave him the illusion of being truly normal. Another one of his secrets, but one that is very apparent. _

"I suppose that it is very convenient." Daisuke mummered quietly. He chuckled softly, but it was sad. "I'll miss them." He said after some moments and it seemed those words surprised him as well. "It was nice while it lasted."  
"You will not attempt to mend the ties of friendship?" 

He looked at her and shook his head. "No, for the same reason you knew that it couldn't happen." She nodded at his words. 

"You will always have us." 

"I know and that counts as a lot." 

Long-Yin nodded but she knew very well that it wasn't true. No matter how much Daisuke wanted to believe that, they weren't enough. They weren't the same as those two young men. It wasn't her place to say that though, Daisuke had to realize that himself since he would just deny it if it were told to him. She wasn't going to help him realize this, it wasn't her place nor did she really want to. She didn't exactly trust Ichijouji Ken too much; she didn't trust anyone with Daisuke's heart. It was so fragile and she was always so afraid that someone would break it. Yet she knew that the way Daisuke was now was no help either. Still she would not help not unless Daisuke asked for it or she were given proof that Ken would help Daisuke the way no one else could. 

"Na, Long-Yin can I ask you a favor?" Daisuke asked pulling her out of her thoughts. She tilted her head indicting for him to ask.

"Can I paint you?" He asked smiling softly at her. She nodded knowing it was time to change the subject and this was Daisuke's way of telling her so. 

TBC

Well it seems I'm leaving it here for now. I wonder if any thing is coming into place like it supposed to. I've been so busy with school that I seem to have forgotten everything of what I was planning to do with this fic. This is what I get for not writing things down. -_- Oh and before I forget, I want to apologize for the incredibly tardy update. I never wanted to keep you guys waiting so long! That was very rude of me and I am very sorry. I really hope I can get the next chapter out much sooner. 

Anyway back to the fic, I want to know if this chapter fits. Sometimes I start making shit up that just makes this stupid thing more complicated and I forget all about them later. So I am aware that there are a bunch of plot holes that need to be filled. I planning on re-reading this and finding all the plot holes and see if I can actually fill them up as well as working on the end of this fic and worry about that climax that Ice'is Blue so kindly brought up and now has me spazzing over. ^^; I usually don't think about these things as I write so becoming aware about it makes me nervous and even more self conscious about my writing. But hell, that's probably a good thing, less mistakes na? 

And finally as for what the final couple is, I still don't know. As you saw clearly with this chapter's cop out. But I thank all of you who gave me suggestion; they are always a great help to me. 


	14. Default Chapter

Chapter 13

_Get rid of you notions_

_Haven't you realized yet? (Do it)_

_Get feel of your passion_

_Haven't you realized yet? (Go for it)_

_Perceive through the soul_

Dream is still a dream that never changes 

Dream is still a dream that never changes 

Destroying the illusion with your hands 

Destroying the illusion with your hands

Get rid of you notions

L'Arc~en~Ciel –"Get out from the shell—Asian version—" 

Jun held her skirt close to her legs as she knelt down in front of the familiar gravestone. She smiled and raised her hand to touch the cool stone affectionately. It was a familiar sight to any of the grave attendants; Jun was usually at the grave of Ichijouji Osamu. 

"Konichiwa Osamu-kun," she said quietly, moving her hand over the stone. "It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been taking care of things, running errands, and finishing exams so I haven't been able to come and see you." 

She shifted, taking the flowers she had laid on the ground next to her and arranging them in front of the gravestone as she continued to speak. She smiled as she placed the bluebells, making sure the light hit them at just the right angle to bring out their magnificence.

"I've missed talking to you though," she said. "Life seems very hectic, Daisuke is going to America for a while to visit Wallace-kun and have an art show. I've told you about him before. He's the boy that comes to visit Daisuke every few years. I'm worried about Daisuke though, Osamu-kun. I feel that this little trip means more then Daisuke likes to let on. It has to do with Ken-kun and their break up but I don't understand how this has affected his relationship with Takeru-kun so badly that they haven't seen each other."  
She paused for a moment, tucking hair behind her ear that the wind blew in her face. 

"I know, I don't live with Daisuke anymore and it could also be totally unrelated, but I can't help but feel like it is," a soft tired sigh escaped her full lips. "He asked papa to drive him to the airport and when I asked him why not have Takeru-kun drive him, he started acting odd. He fidgeted and shook his head violently then locked himself in his old room for a while. I really think something is up." 

Reaching out she touched the soft petals of the bluebells and closed her brown eyes as she felt the warm wind blow past her, caressing the flesh of her face gently.   
"I tried to get him to tell me everything. He's being stubborn though," Jun sighed, "He won't get into full detail with me. I tried getting a hold of Takeru-kun but I haven't been able to. Yeah, I know what you're going to say. It's probably just some fight they got into. Takeru-kun and Daisuke tend to fight a lot. But it's a bit too coincidental that it happened around the same time that Ken-kun and him broke up and I think it may have something to do with it. Or maybe I am just thinking too mucheither way I'd like to find out. Daisuke needs his friends right now. 

"I wonder how it's going to end up with Ken-kun. The break up was bad from what I could get. I'm thinking about talking to Ken-kun. I'd like to hear his side of the story. I may be able to piece everything together that way. Ah but what would I do with information I wonder. I was secretly cheering on their relationship, y'know. Thought it would work; Daisuke really cares a lot about him and they're so close and all, I was hoping that could make something good happen. But the break up maybe was proof that I was wrong. I don't know. I want to see what I can do to help either way, so that at least I did something! I really want to help him. His smile is really cute; I want to see it again, like how your brother brought it out. So I'll help out, but I need to get the full story before I can figure out what exactly is the right way of going about things." 

Jun nodded pleased with herself for her little decision. Nothing else was said for a long time, Jun content with cleaning up the grave even if it really didn't need cleaning. She lit some incense and took out some food—Osamu's favorites. Then she closed her eyes and began a little prayer as she clasped the brown bead necklace in her hand. All the while the breeze blew around her and caressed her gently. She started to speak again after a while, filling him in on the on-goings of her life. 

Soon the time to leave came and Jun sighed, saying her good byes to Osamu before standing up. She winced as her leg muscles stretched; it was never good to stay in one position for too long. Smiling softly once more, she turned and headed towards the exit of the graveyard, her thoughts faraway and melancholy. 

The woman walked swiftly down the path, not paying too much attention to anything that was going around her. She always seemed to move on automatic after visiting Osamu. She had so many things on her mind when visiting one of the most important people in her life. He had greatly influenced her and even in death he was with her, urging her on and giving her support. She knew this with all her being and for that she would forever be grateful to the young boy who brought her blue bells—_everlasting love_—and called her pretty and wonderful after all the other boys had thrown mud at her and called her an ugly boy. 

Jun smiled. She had been such a tomboy as a child, actually she still was one but not like before. And she had been so mean too. It was amazing he even put with her! How many times did Osamu have to keep her from slugging someone? It was a countless amount of times. She laughed softly to herself as she thought back to all those times together, sweet memories they were. 

There was a tall archway that framed two large wooden doors at the entrance of the cemetery. These doors were left open during the day for visitors. Past the doors there were huge stone steps that led to the streets. On those steps was where Ken encountered Jun that day. 

Ken's eyes widened in surprise at seeing her there; he had not been expecting to find Jun at Osamu's grave that day and he felt a sense of dread at seeing her there. He did not want to speak with Jun, Daisuke's sister, at all. He was afraid that things he did not want to talk about would be brought up. It was too late to turn and walk away though; she had already seen him. 

"Ah Ken-kun! How good to see you," Jun greeted with a smile and took the last to steps to him. "How are you?" 

"Good," Ken replied in his usual polite manner, but something was off with Ken, Jun could tell. She had always been good at observing and reading people. So it took her no time to realize that Ken looked anything but "good". Pushing some hair from her eyes she regarded Ken silently for a moment, deciding this was as good a time as any.

"Ken-kun, I'd like to have a talk with you," Jun said.

"I don't know, Jun-san. I was going to go see Osamu." Ken said. He really didn't want to go with her but he could already see that Jun wasn't going to let him go. 

"Osamu-kun's not going anywhere," She replied then looked at her watch. "It's early too, so it's not like the cemetery is going to close on you or anything. We'll be close too, just a few blocks to that park. C'mon, it's important so it's not like I'm wasting your time." 

She tugged lightly on his sleeve and started down the rest of the steps. Ken sighed and followed, seeing no way out of this. They walked swiftly down the streets. Jun was weighing different ways of going about this conversation; this wasn't Daisuke after allIt was Ken and what worked for her little brother wouldn't work for him. She glanced at Ken who seemed a bit nervous and guessed he already knew what they were going to talk to about. There was little else that she would want to talk to him about and she wished that this wasn't something she needed to do. 

It didn't take them long to reach to parkmuch to Ken's dismay since that meant they would have to start this dreaded conversation. He was starting to wish he had stayed home, but he had wanted to see Osamu and talk to him about what had been going on. Taking a seat on one of the large elevated slabs of smooth stone, minding the pigeons in the trees, he waited for Jun to start. He wasn't going to start it of course. No matter how much he wanted this over and done with, he still didn't want to be the one to start. She was going to think he was so silly

"So what exactly happened?" Jun asked. The cinnamon haired woman rested her chin on her hand and looked at him with a warm and comforting little smile, she was hoping to ease Kens nervousness. Her actions were very reminiscent of Daisuke's though. It showed who was a great influence in the younger redhead's life. The reminder of Daisuke made Ken's insides twist with a pain he wished to forget forever. 

"Daisuke and I have broken up," Ken replied and Jun noted quite of a few emotions cross the younger man's face, the two most prominent ones being anger and sadness. 

"Yes, I'm aware of that," Jun replied, "Daisuke told me. Though, I received very little details no matter how I pried. He's really upset about the how the relationship ended and he's very upset over hurting you. I'm getting the feeling that he broke it off with you and that caused a serious rift between Daisuke and you and Takeru-kun. What did happen between you two?"

"I thought you said you knew," Ken said. "You spoke to Daisuke." 

"Yes, but now I want it from your point of view," Jun replied, turning so she was seated with her legs tucked under her and facing Ken. She wanted to be able to look at him while they talked. "And it still doesn't explain why Takeru-kun and Daisuke's relationship has to suffer because of it. Y'see, no matter how hard I pry some things I can't get out of him. Especially with him preparing to head off to New York and all. He's completely ignoring me on the pretense of preparing for the trip. So I can't get anything out of him and anyway, one can't look at everything through one point of view only." 

Ken blinked. So Daisuke was leaving for New York. That was unexpected. Still, it had nothing to do with him anymore. No matter how much that thought hurt him inside, it was the truth and he needed to learn to bear with it. 

"We broke up, Jun-san," Ken answered. "There's nothing much to it. I told him how I felt and he did not like it. It's over now. Takeru's just mad at Daisuke because of that."

"What did you tell Daisuke?" Jun asked, a bit more forcibly then she thought she should, but she wasn't willing to let Ken skirt around or avoid this question. This would make everything make sense. 

Ken bit his lip and gripped his pants tightly. It was still such a painful topic and he really didn't want to talk about itwith Jun especially. 

"I told him I loved him," Ken finally said after some long and painful minutes of silence. "I said it to him and he broke it off. It was so painful to hear that right after I bared myself to the person I love most." 

Jun nodded sadly and placed her hand over his, rubbing her thumb over the flesh of his hand in a comforting manner. Ken released the hold of on his pant leg and took a few deep breaths, trying so very hard to keep himself calm. No more breakdowns. 

"Do you regret what you said to him?" The woman asked, and felt as well as noticed Ken tense. "Do you regret telling him you love him?" 

Ken blinked in surprise. He had not been expecting that question and to be completely honest, he had never really thought about it. Did he really regret letting Daisuke know how he felt? If he hadn't, they would have still been together and Ken would still be reveling in the completeness that came with being with Daisuke. He would still be happy. He would still be living a lie. Was that better? Was the pain of reality better then the happiness of fantasy? 

"No," Ken finally spoke. It was impossible to try and hide this fact from Jun. Why even try? She was too good at prying and Ken was too miserable to fight. "No, now I know what I mean to Daisuke."

"Oh? And what do you mean to Daisuke?" Jun asked, her brown eyes regarding Ken seriously. It felt a bit strange asking these things of Ken. He wasn't her brother after all, but something about the way he acted reminded her so much of Daisuke. It made doing this a little easier for her, just a bit. 

Ken opened his mouth to speak and found himself not knowing what to say. He closed it again and thought about the question for a moment. This question was too important for a quick answer. 

"Daisuke never loved me" The raven-haired man found it unbelievably hard to say those words. it was like he was finally resigning himself to something, but hadn't he already? "He could never love me becausebecause of what happened to him before." Ken let out a long sigh. He felt exhausted all of a sudden and he found himself no longer harboring any rancor. It was all now replaced with an immense sadness.   
"I see" Jun said quietly as she took in what the she was being told. Everything seemed to make sense now except for one thing. "What happened to him before?" Jun asked carefully. It sounded as if Ken _knew_ but never had Daisuke told her that he had burden Ken with his past. 

Ken turned his head to look at Jun quizzically. She should know what he was talking about and by the look in her eyes it seemed she did. But she needed confirmation and Ken gave it to her, watching as her eyes widened for a moment. Jun nodded then, he knew. 

"How did you find out?" How many people knew about Daisuke's past? How many people were willing to talk about it to Ken? She couldn't believe that Daisuke had told Ken. He wasn't ready yet. She knew he couldn't even if he had wanted to. And he never wanted to. 

"Jing Long-Yin," Ken said simply and Jun nodded again though she found it strange that Long-Yin had done so. What would Long-Yin gain from telling Ken, a complete stranger, about Daisuke's past? It was so strange to the cinnamon haired woman since her impression of Long-Yin was not of someone who involved herself in Daisuke's affairs. She was as aloof and cold as Daisuke could sometimes be, but she seemed to lack his warmth and emotion. However, Long-Yin was extremely close with Daisuke. That would sway her to her do something for him. Could it have been that she saw what Jun herself saw in Ken? It was the only explanation Jun could form. 

"I see" Jun said once more.

Ken laughed softly but it lacked any mirth. It was a laugh of a despondent and tired man; Jun felt empathy so much for him. He was hurting more now. She could tell that the knowledge did nothing to alleviate the pain of being rejected. "I always knew something was in the way, always knew it. But I ignored it and forgot about it. I was so completely selfishI am so completely selfish." 

"Ken" How could she respond to that? Maybe he had been selfish, she had always thought him to be too clinging and needy. But she never did understand all the details between his and Daisuke's relationship. It just seemed that taking care of Ken and his feelings had always been the prerogative for Daisuke. Takeru too, now that she thought about it. It was always about Ken, it seemed to her. And maybe Ken was selfish for leaving it like that, even when he knew something was truly wrong with Daisuke. It was wrong to forget Daisuke's troubles so that Ken could be happy. Still, she did not know all the details. Even so, she did not think Ken was fully to blame, as she believed Daisuke made sure that Ken stayed in that mind set. The mindset of only worrying about himself. Daisuke had a talent for such things; he was good at making people forget he was a living, breathing person with feelings. If you did not know the details of his past, he could easily manipulate you. 

"Ken, it's not completely you're fault," Jun said softly. "You're not totally out of blame but there's still time to make amends." Yes, that was what she wanted. She wanted Ken to make amends with Daisuke and maybe that would be the first step to helping Daisuke truly let go of his past. Ken may be able to do it. She didn't know why he would succeed where they had all failed. Maybe the last wounds had to be healed by someone Daisuke had reached out to and not someone whom had reached out to him. 

_"Ken's so nice, I like him a lot. I wish to be his friend, neechan," _She remembered staring down in surprise at her brother. She had just smiled back at him and Jun could tell he was being so sincere. It had nothing to do with pleasing anyone, helping keep up a front. It was a true and sincere desire. Jun remembered smiling back at him, thinking that it was a sign that he was finally putting his past behind him. 

"Amends?" Ken asked, turning his head to her and she had the urge to scoop him up into her arms and soothe away all his problems. He wasn't Daisuke though and her doing that would accomplish nothing. She knew this. "For telling him I love him?" 

"Of course not!" Jun snapped, all of a sudden feeling immensely frustrated. "No, there's no reason for that. There's nothing wrong about loving him."   
"He seems to think so," Ken replied softly and ran a hand through his black hair; it was getting long. He would have to cut it soon. Maybe cutting it was a good idea. But Daisuke liked it long. He always left it long because of that one reason. Daisuke liked it long. He liked to run his fingers through it and Ken liked the feeling of his fingers through his hair, playing with it. 

"Can't cut my hair." He took a few strands between his fingers and moved his hand so he could stare at those few raven strands. He never cut it, trimmed it yes, but never cut it. Not even when Takeru had asked him to had he done so. The blond had always thought he would look nice with a different hair cut, but he had denied it for Daisuke. "For Daisuke." 

Yet Daisuke was gone now. Wasn't he leaving him? And he might never touch his hair again. He was with Takeru anyway. Yes, and he was suppose to please Takeru especially since the blond was trying to help him forget his feelings for Daisuke. 

"More selfishness," Ken muttered and released his hair. He leaned back on to his elbows and stared up at the sky that could be seen through patches between the green leaves. 

"You've lost me Ken," Jun said. She had been listening and watching him carefully for those few moments, aware that he was in his own little miserable world then. She could tell he was trying to work things out. She did not want to bother him, but she also did not want him straying off to some other stupid thought that may deter him from the correct path—the path _she_ thought was correct. Maybe she was wrong; maybe she shouldn't have interfered. Jun sighed, knowing that leaving those two to their own devices would lead to nothing being accomplished. 

Ken turned his head to look at her. "I can't cut my hair for him." 

"For who?"

"Takeru." 

Takeru. He was the other part of the strange little puzzle. She had almost forgotten about him. So he was also linked to Daisuke and Ken's relationship problems. It made sense; they were all so close. Did he know about Daisuke's past too? 

"Takeru knows about" Jun stared watching Ken carefully and he shook his head.

"That Daisuke broke up with me because I bared my feelings to him," Ken replied and Jun did not know whether to be relieved or not. 

"So he's angry with Daisuke for breaking up with you," It was more of a statement then a question but Ken nodded anyway. 

"Maybe not anymore," He said, once more taking a few strands of raven hair and looking at it, almost quizzically. Jun blinked at him, confused. 

"Excuse me?" 

"I'm with him now." 

"What!" Jun's cry startled Ken and he looked at her with large confused blue eyes. "What happened to Daisuke?"  
"He left," Ken simply replied and Jun felt like smacking him upside the head. She took a breath to calm herself; she was really more violent then she should be. Ken had his reasons, and though flawed, they made some sense. 

"So you're giving up?" Jun asked, she waved her hand in a dismissive gesture to emphasize her point. 

"He rejected me!" Ken cried out. "Do you expect me to make a fool out of myself and hound him?" He glared into her eyes. There was strange spark of something in his eyes that she could not distinguish. 

"I never said that!" Jun yelled back. "But damnit Ken, you understand now. It's not because he feels nothing for you, it's because hes afraid and confused! Intimacy has bad connotations to him. Love is intimate, so very intimate and special and something he's completely and totally unfamiliar with. And unfortunately he ended up hurting your feelings. I doubt he wanted to do that. He hates hurting you." 

"Yes, I know he does but" Ken sighed softly, feeling so very weak and tired. He just wanted to curl up somewhere and forget. "I'm not sure I want to open myself to that kind of pain again." 

And there it was. Anything else he could have used as an excuse was gone now. Not anger, or loyalty to Takeru or anything. It was fear. He was afraid and unwilling to hurt again. He didn't want the pain. Ken never dealt well with pain and he didn't think he could take that kind of pain again, especially from someone he cared so much for. Ken looked away from Jun then, no longer wanting to look at her. 

Jun was silent for sometime. Her mind working things out. Everything seemed so hopeless. She wanted to scream out her frustration. Ken was being a coward. She hated cowardice. 

"Coward." Jun finally spoke. She had made sure to calm herself somewhat before speaking, but still she could not keep that word to herself. "Yeah fine, so you'll spare your feelings." She paused for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. Yelling at him was not going to work. "Ken"

"You're going to tell me that some things are worth fighting for, aren't you?" Ken interrupted, still not looking at her. His eyes were trained on the few pigeons cooing and pecking at the cement and graveled floor. "To endure the pain for the chance of love; the result would be that of a fairy tale's."

"Is that so bad?" Jun asked quietly. "Is it not worth it?"

"Love can be found elsewhere," Ken replied softly. 

Jun shook her head," You don't love Takeru-kun like you do Daisuke." 

Ken nodded. Jun was right, he didn't. And he was aware that he was using the blond. But was it so bad? Cloud he not learn to love Takeru? You could learn to love

_Will I stay forever with Takeru, even if I don't learn to love him?_ Ken asked himself, running a hand though his hair again. _If I never forget Daisuke, would that not be wronging Takeru? It wouldbut I can forget my feelings for Daisuke. I could forgetI could! _He raised his hand and felt a few strands of hair still clinging to his fingers. He looked at his hair, hair he could not even cut. 

"And you may lose out on finding out whether Daisuke feels the same for you," Jun said and watched with great satisfaction as Ken turned his head to stare at her with an expression of clear surprise. "You never thought about that, didn't you? That he could love you back." 

"But"  
"But what? It's a possibility. Daisuke fears it whether it's coming from someone else or from himself. And if you consider how much he likes pleasing people—it's kind of strange that he did not accept your feelings just to please you—it's not such a stretch of the imagination."

Ken was quiet and she watched the emotions pass by his face as he thought. He was struggling with the possibility. He was struggling with the hope that it brought it. Ken was extraordinarily stubborn but Jun was just as stubborn and she cheered inwardly because she knew his resolve had weakened. 

"What if he doesn't?" Ken asked looking at her. She could see the fear clearly in his blue eyes but she could also see the hope slowly emerging. Did he dare hope for it to be true? 

"What if he _does_." Jun replied, giving him an encouraging smile. "Love you." 

Daisuke loving him had always been all he ever wanted. Asking him out and being together had been bliss. His dream was slowly coming true. Then he told Daisuke he loved him and was rejected. His worst nightmare coming true. Anger at himself and at Daisuke prevailed for so long, only rivaled by the immense sadness. Hopelessness came after. It had been hopeless to dream. Daisuke never loved him, Daisuke only used him, Daisuke could never love him and the hopelessness came stronger. He was incapable of loving himbut now that fact was in question. Daisuke was not incapable of loving him but he rejected the idea. He was afraid to love like Ken was afraid to try and make him love. If he could put his fear aside and confront Daisuke; if he could show him that there was nothing to fear. If Daisuke truly did love himthen he—Ken—would be what truly stood in the way of them being together. 

He would be the villain in this fractured fairy tale. 

Did he dare hope?

Did he dare try? 

"Jun-san" Ken's voice was soft, his eyes though were very clear. 

"Yes, Ken-kun," She kept her voice neutral and her breath held.

"Could you tell me when Daisuke is leaving for New York? Is it soon?" 

She smiled at him. "Of course, and, no, not for some time. His visa hasn't come in yet." 

He smiled back at her. "Ah, good."

TBC 

My gods I've updated. It is an unbelievable thing it is. With the end of the semester comes a new chapter and hopefully the end of the this story. Blessed is summer vacation. ^_^   
  
Here I thank Ice'is Blue for putting up with me and beta reading my story. She is so very awesome. All of you go read her story _Dark Masquerade_! 

Finally I am apologizing for the blant lack of intelligence in htm. -_- 


	15. Default Chapter

Chapter 14

There was so much green everywhere. The trees, grass, and various flora brought with them an array of different colors, but still, the unnaturally deep shade of emerald green was prominent. 

He had been walking through the forest for what seemed like forever but he could not remember when he had entered. It seemed to him that maybe he was born there and that this ominous emerald green forest, both beautiful and deadly, was his home. It was normal to fall asleep wrapped in thorny vines. It was also normal to be followed and caressed by dark shadows. Yet… if it was normal, why did it feel so very uncomfortable?

He wondered where he was headed as he shifted his heavy backpack and continued to walk down an old road. It was an unkempt road, full of dirt and potholes, but he could deal with that. It was the vines that were impossible to get around. They would shoot out from the trees and lash at him, making him fall and keeping him from going any further. 

Still, somehow, he would get past them. He had to keep going. There was something good about getting past the obstacles. He'd lose a shadow, gain some light. But continuing his trip was tiresome as his backpack would increase in weight, becoming heavier and heavier still, making it so very hard to get past the vines that lashed out at him. 

He walked on though, through shadows, watching the patches of light that had broken through and adjusting his burden every once in a while to keep it from falling. He didn't know why he carried the pack. He couldn't remember ever opening it or closing it. He had no idea what was inside of it. Still, it got heavier. Heavier with what? He did not know. 

It was lonely here. He didn't know why he was so bothered by it. He'd never known anything but loneliness. He'd never been anything but alone. 

The shadows moved closer, surrounding him, spinning and laughing. Then everything was closing in on him, not just the shadows. The trees, with their emerald green leaves, seemed to bend over closer to him, blocking out light. It made his legs quiver and give out under him, the weight from his backpack bringing him down faster to the hard, cold ground. And he sat there, rocking slowly with his hands covering his head, waiting for it all to end, waiting for everything to turn back to some semi-balance of normal. 

"Do you need a hand?" 

He didn't look right away. It took him some time to understand what he was hearing. A voice. A voice here? It was so strange to him. 

And why was there so much more light? 

"Are you hurt?" 

The voice was so soft and sweet. Caring and warm like the sun on a summer's day. He looked up slowly, moving the hands that had been covering his head and it took his eyes a bit of time to adjust to the new light. He looked into warm blue eyes—blue like bluebells. 

"Give me your hand." A smile came with the words. It was kind and beautiful on his pale face. "Let me help you up." 

The shadows hissed softly and he could see the green lashing out at them. Vines hit them both and he winced, but the raven-haired man did not flinch. The light around him didn't waver. The outstretched hand, still bloody from the whipping, was waiting for him to take it. Unmoving, the man waited, the warm smile never leaving his face. 

He reached for it slowly, but his hand was trembling and the stinging vines made him pull it back. Still, the other didn't move and he felt so very guilty for having him get hurt. He reached for the hand again, taking it just so that the beautiful man wouldn't be hurt anymore by waiting to help him. The lovely smile broadened and the pale hand tightly gripped his own. 

"I'm Ken. What's your name?"

He blinked at the man above him who now held him with both hands and was trying to pull him up. It looked like Ken was having a hard time, not only because of the whipping vines and the moving shadows, but because of him. Something was weighing him down, keeping Ken from bringing him up.

"So what is it? Your name?"

His name? He looked at Ken, ready to open his mouth, but realized nothing wanted to come out. What was his name? He knew it… He should know it…

Ken clenched his teeth and strained his muscles, but still couldn't move him. "Maybe you should take off your pack." 

His pack! He had completely forgotten it was there. He took his hand out of Ken's grip, noticing how the lashing lessened, and tried to take off his pack. But it wouldn't come off, wouldn't let him slip his arms out. It held on to him tightly, clinging… No, not clinging. Clinging wasn't what was keeping him from removing the pack no matter how hard he tried.

"Do you need help?"

"No!"

Ken flinched. It was the first time the man had looked truly hurt and he had been the cause. He was the cause. It was his fault. He felt the pack grow even heavier. The pack… he couldn't remove it because it was a part of him, like an arm or a leg. It was a part of him, like some marsupial's pouch, only on his back, huge and inflated with its burden. He shuddered. 

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," he said, still shocked by the revelation. It was a part of him. Had it always been there? Why did it get heavier? He didn't understand. Was something living in there? Growing? The very thought made him sick. He looked back at Ken. They had both forgotten about the surrounding darkness and the vines which continued to lash. Ken was bleeding profusely and so was he, but he was used to that. He felt guilty that Ken had to suffer because of him, though. 

"You haven't told me yet," Ken said suddenly. "What your name is."

His name. He couldn't say. He couldn't remember it. He wanted to know it, too. He had known it once. 

Reaching behind him, he opened the flap of his pack and rummaged, though for what he had no idea yet. There were things in there. He wasn't sure what they were, but at least they weren't alive. Still, they were warm and heavy. Finally he took hold of something and pulled it out. It felt like he had found whatever it was he was looking for. He looked at it. It was a mask, totally white with three openings: two for the eyes and one for the mouth. The opening for the mouth was wide and the corners were tipped upward in an ugly, contorted, unreal smile, something more closely resembling the classical mask of Comedy. 

He looked up at Ken who was waiting patiently for his answer and then back down at the mask. Turning the mask he raised it slowly to his face and slipped it on. It melded perfectly with his face and he doubted that anyone would be able to see his real face behind it. Once the mask was on, he raised his head and looked at Ken who smiled at him. 

"Ah, I see," he said. "Nice to meet you, Daisuke." 

The ground shook and cracked. Ken screamed and they fell. He was only a few feet above Ken and he reached out for him, wanting to take his hand. It would give him comfort to hold Ken's hand as they fell. He wasn't sure why, but knew it would. He stretched his arm. Ken's hand was stretching upward to meet his. 

Their fingers brushed and all went black. 

The next thing he knew he was sitting on the floor in a room that seemed to be lit by candles, but there were no candles to be seen. Stranger still was that the invisible candles emitted an emerald green light. The only things around, he noticed, were a row of fun house mirrors on three of the walls and against the fourth was Ken. The man was lying peacefully on a four-poster bed wrapped in lavender mosquito net. Ken's clothes were more fit for a prince about to slay dragons and his hands rested on his chest. The man was asleep… or so he hoped. 

He was about to reach for Ken when shadows emerged from dark places where the green light could not reach. He looked at them, instead of ignoring them as he usually did, unsure of why they caught his interest. They moved towards him, their forms slowly shifting into the shape of something more closely associated to human beings until they looked exactly him. His brown eyes widened and he felt and heard the mask he was wearing crack. 

They stopped only when they were only mere feet from him, looking at him with his own chocolate brown eyes. He felt nervous. His body trembled and it made the mask crumble away slowly, pieces falling off, changing from a light tan color to a chalk white and landing on his thighs. He felt like screaming but the sound wouldn't come out of him. 

He glanced at Ken, but he had not moved, still glowing softly with his own inner-light like from before. True light, not green, and it was warm. 

"Your mask is broken."

"It's crumbling."

"He'll _see _you."

"He already _saw_."

"Would you like new one?" 

He looked back at his replicas and stared wide-eyed as each spoke one right after each other as if trained, only stopping when they had said all that needed to be said. When the last one spoke—that hadn't been the last 'him' in the room—they reached up and pulled at their faces. He recoiled in disgust as he watched them pull off their—his—faces like they had only been some sort of plastic, flesh-toned masks. And masks they were, for once they were off the replicas' faces, the masks lost their plastic appearance, becoming hard. The tan color also faded away and each one of them was left holding a mask that looked like something a perriot would use. 

"Which one do you like?"

"Which one would you like to wear?" 

He glanced at the masks. One was like his previous one. The one next to it was like the mask of Tragedy. Another looked angry, another was blank, and so it went, each one holding its own expression. 

"Mine?" The shadow-replica thrust the mask it was holding into his face and he flinched, moving back. 

"Mine!" Another mask was thrust in his face. 

One after another it continued until there was nowhere for him to go. He was surrounded by shadow-replicas holding thespian masks. 

He was sweating, looking up at all his own faces staring back at him intently. Trembling, he looked past them to Ken who was still lying on the bed, looking as if he would sleep forevermore. 

"A prince?" He looked back to one of the shadow-replicas which was watching him eagerly. The others looked at it reproachfully. "Then you'll be choosing mine." He nudged the mask forward a little. "A hero. A prince. That is mine. Perfect for saving and protecting." 

At the shadow-replica's words, he glanced again at Ken, then looked back at the mask. Its physical features weren't too different from most of the others, which made sense to him because he couldn't think of what the face of heroism looked like, but the mask still seemed to radiate strength and bravery and nobility. 

He reached for it but wasn't quick enough, and, looking up, he realized Takeru had beaten him to it. Takeru was dressed like a perriot: large bagging red pants, a light purple open vest, and a billowing white shirt underneath it all. His feet were in black, curled-tip shoes and he wore a purple cone-like hat with a bell at the tip, the weight making the end bend so that the bell jingled close to Takeru's ear when he moved. The blond's face was powdered white, bringing out his clear blue eyes. Over the powder, his lips were painted red and there was tear marked in black on his cheek. Takeru smiled at him, spinning the mask he had just taken on the tip of his white-gloved index finger. 

"A prince you want to be," he said pleasantly. "For him?" He glanced at Ken. "He looks kind of like a prince to me already. So why would a prince need a prince?" 

The shadows around them hissed their disapproval for the theft of the mask, but with one glare from Takeru they all backed away, exposing the arrays of mirrors that they had been blocking from the redhead. 

"Ah, and anyone can be a prince too!" Takeru continued as if he had not been interrupted. "See, even me!" He fit the mask into place and his clothes changed to a set similar to Ken's, except they were purple and red where Ken's had been blue and black. Takeru's face remained painted like that of a perriot. He drew his sword and looked down at his outfit. 

"Nice get up!" Takeru laughed and began to swing his sword around as if he were fighting an invisible enemy.

He stared at the blond. The outfit looked better on Ken. Takeru couldn't replace Ken, nor could he replace him. Things were getting more confusing and strange by the minute. He was angry with the other for taking his mask. It was his.

"So what if it's yours?" Takeru asked, reading his mind. He was standing just a few feet away from him, staring at the redhead, his sword no longer drawn. 

The blond closed the distance between them, kneeling and looking straight into his chocolate brown eyes. Reaching out, he grazed his gloved fingers over his cheek and leaned forward, kissing his lips gently. Takeru smiled at the wide-eyed expression on his face. 

"You're so silly," Takeru said, chuckling softly. "A prince. You can't be Ken's prince! Just look at you!"

He had no time to be surprised by Takeru's words. The blond had turned his head the instant he finished his words, looking towards one of the many mirrors which were no longer against the wall but surrounding them, only inches away. The blond vanished, Takeru's laughter remaining behind. He was left there looking at his own reflection in complete and utter horror. 

How he had not noticed when he first glanced at the mirrors was beyond him, but now he could see so clearly. His face was horrifically scarred, bruised, and bleeding such that he was starting to wonder if those shadows were actual replicas of him. His body fared no better. His clothes had disappeared, or maybe they had never been there to begin with, but without them, his body was fully exposed, pale and ugly and seemingly rotting. His stomach churned. His hand moved, desperately pressing against his chest, momentarily ignoring his nausea. 

It was there, faint but present. He could still feel his heart beating beneath his fingers and, as if touching his chest had hit a volume control, the sound of his heartbeat became louder and louder…

_I am Shun_. 

_Shun is no one._ _Shun has no face._

_Then I am Daisuke. _

_Daisuke is no one. Daisuke has no face. He looks for a face and finds only masks._

_Who, then? Who am I?_

_Under each mask there is a face. _

And with that Daisuke woke up, cold and sweating, his hand clenched over his heart and his stomach doing flip-flops. 

"Wh—" He took a big gulp of air. "What the hell?" Seconds later he was promptly sick. 

***

Ken sighed and fidgeted in his seat. Moments later, he stood and began to pace the room. He was so nervous he couldn't think straight. It was eight o' clock. Takeru had gotten out of class thirty minutes ago and was probably on his way home. Ken had been waiting for Takeru since three in the afternoon when he had gotten home from the cemetery. He had known that the blond was just then getting out of work and crossing town to get to class, and that he would not be showing up for several hours. Still, as he waited, he couldn't keep himself from becoming agitated and had glued his eyes to the clock for the entire five hours. 

"Can you really blame me?" he screamed, trying to air out his emotions. He was feeling so nervous that yelling at the walls seemed almost like a normal reaction. He was about to break it off with Takeru. The thought immediately made his stomach churn with guilt.

Who would have thought he was going to put Takeru through the exact same pain that he himself had gone through? 

"I should have thought it through," he told himself furiously. He should never have agreed to it. No matter how despondent he was feeling, he should never have allowed it to happen. He knew where his heart belonged and even if he could have learned to love someone else, trying to do it so soon was stupid and bound to end up hurting the both of them. Now, unfortunately, Takeru would end up hurting the most. Immense guilt came with that knowledge and Ken welcomed it, knowing it was what he deserved. 

He walked to the kitchen and began to make some tea. It would calm his nerves, he hoped, and it would help later that night, too, when he would be doing one of the hardest things in his life. He wondered if Daisuke had felt like this when he had broken it off with him. The hope that Daisuke might still have feelings for him had convinced him to give their relationship another go, to fight for it, but still he couldn't help the immense trepidation. He knew that Jun would not lie to him, but what if she was wrong? It was a possibility that made his knees weak and he tried with all his might to not think about it, to keep thinking positively. He wondered how it was that Takeru and Daisuke were always able to stay so positive during hardships. He admired them for that, now, more then ever. 

A long sigh escaped him and he turned to the cupboards to collect two mugs. Was Daisuke really positive or was it just a shallow facade? All the information that he had recently acquired from Long-Yin and Jun made him realize that the Daisuke he thought he had known for years was false… or at least somewhat false. How much, then, of Daisuke did he really know? What parts of Daisuke were really him and which were just parts he played? It frightened Ken to think that the man he had fallen so deeply for could be a complete and utter stranger. 

"I'll just get to know him all over again if I have to," he told himself fiercely as he poured the tea. Still, he doubted that it would come down to that. As a man who had worn masks himself, he did not think one could totally keep a part of themselves from showing up, especially when the part they were playing was supposed to be a lifetime role. 

"Either you show some of yourself," he said quietly. "Or you become the role you play." 

Rubbing his temple, Ken vowed to stop talking out loud to himself like a crazy person. He hadn't done it since he was eleven and it wasn't good to get back in the habit. 

"Tadaima!" 

The cheerful call brought Ken back to the real world and the matter at hand. He glanced nervously towards the door and took a deep breath in the hope of calming his heart, which had started hammering against his ribs. 

"Okaeri, Takeru," Ken called back, amazed that his voice sounded normal and steady. "I'm in the kitchen. Do you want to some tea?" 

Takeru poked his head into the kitchen and beamed at Ken while pulling off his black baseball cap. 

"Tea's good," Takeru said, leaning his shoulder against the refrigerator and looking at Ken. "Did you eat?" 

"I went out this morning and bought some instant ramen," Ken replied, pouring Takeru some tea. "I saw Godai-kun, he says hi." 

Takeru nodded, blowing a few strands of hair from his vision, and took the offered mug. "Thanks."

"Did you eat?" Ken asked, watching Takeru with a slight smile and thinking he looked quite adorable crossing his eyes and glaring at the hair that fell back into place. A small part of him wished that he had fallen in love with Takeru instead. 

_But who's to say that the relationship would have been any better?_ Distracted, Ken tucked the errant hair behind Takeru's ear and watched as a light blush tinged the blond's cheeks. 

At that, he moved his hand away quickly, getting an odd look from Takeru. He shouldn't be doing stuff like this anymore. Even if he had been doing them since childhood, things were different now and they were about to get a lot more difficult once the relationship between them changed again. So much had happened since he and Daisuke had started to date and none of it was going the way he'd hoped. 

"Something's wrong," Takeru stated, staring intently at Ken. "What's up?" He raised the mug to his lips but kept watching Ken even as he drank his tea. 

Well, he didn't have to worry about finding a way to broach the subject, Takeru had done the job for him. Ken felt bad for that. It should have been him. 

"Come on, let's sit down." Ken motioned towards the living room. 

Takeru looked at him oddly but didn't disagree, moving towards the living room and sitting down on the couch. He watched Ken sit down on the seat farthest away from him and arched one eyebrow. But then his expression became carefully neutral and Ken wondered if he had figured it out. It would not surprise Ken one bit, since his best friends were better at reading him then he was at reading them. The thought made him very uncomfortable now. 

Ken took a nervous sip of his tea, wishing he did not have to do this and once more wondering if this was how Daisuke had felt. 

"Takeru, I… " Ken lowered his head, not wanting to look at Takeru, but moments later he raised it again. Takeru deserved to see his face. Ken also needed to see Takeru's face. He wanted to catch every single expression and emotion, etching them into his mind forever. He deserved the guilt. He would not run from this. 

"Takeru, I don't think we should see each other anymore," Ken said, surprised at just how clearly he was able to say the words. They almost seemed rehearsed. 

There was quite a bit of a silence in which Takeru just stared at Ken, making the raven haired man fidget uncomfortably. Yet, Ken would not look away from Takeru no matter how much it pained him to look upon his friend's blank expression. He wished more than anything that Takeru would do or say something. It was just too painful… the silence… the nothingness he was receiving as a response to his words. 

"Ken, could you do me a favor and just kinda get out." 

Takeru's quiet words broke the silence so suddenly that it made Ken jump. The blond was still looking at him with that blank expression and Ken felt more horrible than if Takeru had screamed at him or cried. 

He felt a stabbing pain in his chest, his eyes stung, and he was shaking badly. Was that it? That was all? It didn't feel right. It felt so terribly final. It felt like everything was over. 

"Takeru… " Ken broke off. Anything he could say would be lame and stupid, but he couldn't take this awful feeling of finality. "Takeru, I want—"

"Please Ken, just go," Takeru repeated, his voice quavering just a bit. "I don't want to deal with you right now." 

The words hurt so much more then Ken had thought they would. The pain was intense, making his chest constrict. _The pain is the same on both sides_, he thought. There were very few times when he had felt pain like this. His breakup with Daisuke was one of them. 

He continued to look at Takeru, wishing there was something he could say. But there were no words of comfort that could make it all better. Ken knew this from personal experience. And worst of all, Ken realized, was that Takeru really had no one he could run to. He wasn't on speaking terms with Daisuke… and Ken, the source of his heartache, was also obviously out. Their triangle of friendship had become so dissonant. 

Takeru looked at him; his blue eyes, now glassy, were pleading for Ken to leave. The raven-haired man realized that it was the first time in the last fifteen minutes that the neutrality had disappeared from Takeru's face. 

The expression brought great pain to Ken and he longed to reach out and hold Takeru, but it was impossible. There was no way that Takeru would be able to accept Ken's comfort. For all the times he had held Ken, Ken could not return the favor. He bowed his head. All that was left to him was leaving as requested. It was a poor substitute for true comfort and the feelings of finality magnified. 

"I'll call you then… Later," Ken said as he stood up, his eyes trained on Takeru. He was looking for anything that could remove the awful feelings from him, but he knew nothing could. There would be no consolation for either of them tonight. 

"Yeah," Takeru agreed, nodding. 

Ken wasn't sure Takeru had been listening, but already, the blond had stopped looking at him, deciding that some spot on the far-left wall was more interesting. 

The ache in his chest increased to almost unbearable proportions the farther he got from Takeru, but he knew that he deserved this. For every stupid, naïve, selfish thing he had ever done to both Daisuke and Takeru, he would suffer. The pain was his penance. 

Ken glanced one more time at Takeru before he left the apartment. Takeru hadn't moved an inch since Ken had stood up. It pained Ken to see him like that, to know that neither of Takeru's best friends were available to counsel him through this. 

_That's my fault too, _Ken thought as he opened the door and stepped out into the hallway of the building. He closed the door behind him, locking it with the spare key he'd been given. He couldn't bring himself to slip the key under the door. It felt too much like giving up. Exiting the building, he stepped out into the cool night air.

He knew that if he had never asked Daisuke out to begin with, none of this would have happened. Even so, he would never wish to change the past. He couldn't regret asking Daisuke out, nor could he regret telling Daisuke that he loved him. His one regret was how selfishly blind he had been. His refusal to look deeper had brought them to where they were now.

Sighing, he moved towards the curb, hoping to hail a cab home. Daisuke would be able to help Takeru, but the two weren't on speaking terms because of their anger over Daisuke's breakup with him. He stopped and blinked. It sounded so silly, now that he thought about it. He understood how Takeru cared so very much about him. He understood that maybe Daisuke had said something to upset Takeru—though he had no idea what it was since Takeru would not tell him. But no matter what words had passed between them, it wasn't reason enough for them not to talk. 

_Am I grasping at straws? _Ken wondered. _They have a tendency to take their fights very seriously, but should they really be fighting about me? …Over my breakup with Daisuke? _

Ken glanced back to Takeru's apartment building one more time and felt constricting pain and guilt. It didn't seem right to leave Takeru alone. _Breakups suck._

"Whenever I was in pain I would either run to Daisuke or Takeru," Ken murmured to himself, pulling out his cell phone. "Whenever any of us needed the other we'd run to them. That shouldn't stop… It shouldn't." He flipped the cell phone open and the numbers glowed in the night. "He shouldn't have to deal with this by himself. And since I can't do it, his other best friend will." 

Nodding firmly to himself and ignoring the voice inside his head cautioning him against this, he dialed Daisuke's cell. Ken didn't bother with his home number since he had no idea if Daisuke was there and he knew the redhead always carried his cell. 

"Hello?" 

Daisuke sounded fine. There were no melancholy tones or anything. He sounded like he always had. _What the hell did you expect him to sound like? _Ken chided himself. He was being stupid again. Did he think just because he knew everything now, he would be able to sense the slightest change in Daisuke? Daisuke had been practicing his deceptions for much longer than Ken had been practicing trying to break through them. It would not be easy. He couldn't forget that.

"Hello?" 

Daisuke's voice brought Ken out of his thoughts and he said quickly, "Daisuke, it's me, Ken."

There was a bit of a pause on the phone, but Ken had been expecting that. He just hoped Daisuke wouldn't hang up on him. Their relationship problems would have to wait.

The thoughts didn't stop Ken from feeling horribly nervous. "Daisuke, I'm calling about Takeru. I broke up with him." Ken paused a moment, listening for Daisuke's response. After receiving none and confirming that the redhead was still on the line, he continued, trying to ignore his disappointment. "I want you to go and be with him for a while. He shouldn't be alone right now."

"I'm sorry, but I can't," Daisuke said. "We're on bad terms right now. I don't think my going over there will be welcomed with open arms." 

Ken heard Daisuke sigh softly over the phone and he hoped it was a sign of concern from Daisuke. "Can't you just forget your fight for now?" he asked, glancing back at the apartment building. "You didn't see him, Daisuke. He was frighteningly emotionless, nothing like how Takeru usually acts when he's upset. It was so painful to see him like that." 

"I _can't_ go, Ken."

"Why? Has your one fight ruined eight years of friendship?" 

There was a pause. "I don't know… I hope not."

"Then get your butt over there and show him that! You're his friend!" _You're also the reason why I broke it off with him to begin with, _Ken thought. _But you don't know that and I hope neither does Takeru. _

Ken bit his lip. Takeru had never asked why. Was that because he knew or because he didn't care to know? Ken wasn't sure, but he really hoped it was the latter. If it was the former… he didn't have time to think about it now.

"All right, Ken," Daisuke said, sighing again. "I'll go."

"_Now_," Ken stressed. 

"Yes now." 

"Thank you, Daisuke." 

"Ah…" 

The redhead had hung up after that and Ken was left feeling worse then before. This was the first time he had talked to Daisuke since they'd broken up. Now it was painfully clear how different their relationship was. The way Daisuke had spoken to Ken… so distant and lacking in warmth… it was like Daisuke had barely endured talking to him, that he had just wanted the conversation to end. 

Ken bit his lip. Worrying about Daisuke wouldn't help Takeru any. Right now, he just wanted to figure out how their friendship could be salvaged from the consequences of his selfishness. 

***

Daisuke sighed softly as he hung up the phone. He had not been expecting Ken to call him, nor had he been expecting that he would be seeing Takeru so soon. They weren't supposed to see each other until after he had returned from America, but those plans were gone and here he was, preparing himself to go see Takeru and comfort him now that his relationship with Ken ended. 

Daisuke had been hoping that Ken and Takeru could be something for each other. He'd hoped that Takeru could teach Ken to love him and that maybe, one day, they could all be friends again. It was a bit of an unrealistic dream, considering all that had happened between them, but he still hoped that it would happen, none the less. 

Still, hearing that Takeru needed him made him set aside some of his apprehensions. He doubted that Takeru would want to see him (for more reasons than just their little fight), but he was willing to deal with that once he got there. If he was as bad-off as Ken claimed, Daisuke owed it to him. Takeru had always worried about him and tried to make him feel better. He had to return the favor. Also, although he was doing his best to ignore it, a quiet part of him was hoping that he could patch things up with Takeru. It would be nice to have at least one of his best friends back. He hadn't realized how much he missed them when they weren't around. 

It bothered him that he was so attached. He had always tried to distance himself from people, but he hadn't succeeded. That was why he was missing Ken's and Takeru's company so much. That was why he was having such odd dreams…

"Not going there," Daisuke told himself fiercely as he grabbed his keys and exited his apartment. Up until now, he'd been doing a fine job of ignoring the dream. There were occasional moments when the dream came back to him, but all that meant was that he had to try harder at keeping his mind occupied. 

It seemed, though, that all his work was for nothing. With Ken's call, all he seemed to be able to do was think about that strange, truthful dream and how much he wanted to see Ken and Takeru again. 

_When did I become so dependent? _he wondered as he waited at the bus stop for the bus. Takeru and Daisuke lived across town from each other, give or take six blocks. It had amused both boys greatly since it wasn't done on purpose. Still, it had made their Tuesday get-togethers that much easier because it only took one bus ride and a short walk to get to the other's home. 

A fond smile crossed Daisuke's face as he thought of his get-togethers with Takeru. He couldn't deny missing them; they were usually the highlight of his week. He'd last seen Takeru weeks ago, naturally, because of their fight… Because of his breakup with Ken. 

_It always leads back to Ken, doesn't it?_ Daisuke thought as he climbed onto the bus, paid the fare, and took a seat in the back. He closed his eyes, resting his head on the cool glass of the window. Ken was always with him, even when he didn't want him to be. Everything that had happened recently led back to Ken and their breakup. 

Even that dream… 

He sighed softly, opening his eyes again and watching block after city block pass him by in mere moments. That dream had been… he didn't think he really knew a word that could describe it correctly. He focused his eyes on his reflection, as if making sure that the ugly, disfigured Daisuke he had been in his dream had only been a dream. He'd caught himself doing this quite a few times during the day and it annoyed him greatly. It also unnerved him greatly. 

_Am I really like that? _he thought. _Is that what I really think? _Closing his eyes again, he decided that he wasn't sure. Daisuke knew he had problems with his self-esteem, but did he really consider himself so ugly? Looking into the mirrors, those fun house mirrors, was he seeing his projected self-image? It seemed so. 

_But…_

The bus driver's announcement of the stop made Daisuke open his eyes and glance out the window. He was here. He stood and hurried out of the bus before it closed the doors. Cool night air surrounded him once more. Running a hand through his hair, he started moving towards Takeru's apartment. He wondered if Ken would be waiting for him outside and Daisuke desperately hoped that Ken wasn't. He didn't think he could handle seeing him. Not after all that had happened—not after he had failed. Failed Ken… as his prince…

Saving Ken had been something he had dreamed of as a child when Ken was drowning in his own misery. He had reached out for Ken, much like Ken had done in his dream, and tried to help him rise above his sorrow. And he'd done that, he'd helped Ken, but it hadn't been enough. He had still failed him. And failing him was the last thing that Daisuke had ever wanted to do. 

_But that was just inevitable, _Daisuke thought as he turned the block. _I'm no prince. I'm more of a fool. The person wearing the jester's clothing in that dream should have been me._ He could see Takeru's apartment building now. It would not be long now. With the way he saw himself, it was inevitable that he be a failure. Still, he had to do what he could. For friendship's sake.

***

_Idiot!_ the voice in his head screamed at him as he sat on the couch. The cup of tea was slowly cooling in his hands. _Idiot! _it screamed every time he looked at the chair where Ken had been sitting only a little while ago or when he thought of the words that had passed between. Takeru couldn't blame the voice, it was right. He was an idiot. A really big idiot. 

He was surprisingly calm about all this. He wasn't breaking anything or screaming. He had not yelled at Ken, nor had he moved from his spot on the couch in well over thirty minutes. He was taking this very calmly, too calmly in his opinion. 

It was bad when he didn't release his feelings. They would bottle up, warping him in ways that only he could realize. Yet, Takeru found that he couldn't release them. He couldn't even bring himself to make a noise, or move, or cry. All he could do was sit there and think. Both inside and out, he was as calm as the ocean on a bright summer's day. Takeru hoped it was because he knew that this outcome—this breakup—had been a large possibility, if not actually expected. Maybe that was how he could sulk instead of scream out his heartbreak.

Ken had been on the rebound… No, he couldn't even call it that. Takeru hadn't given Ken any time to be on the rebound—he had expected Ken to just forget Daisuke and fall into his arms. The voice was right. He was an idiot. Ken had loved Daisuke since forever—would continue loving him, forever—and Takeru had expected him to forget the redhead so easily? He was definitely an idiot. 

_It's true what they say about blondes, _Takeru thought bitterly. 

There was a knock at the door and Takeru's eyes shifted towards it. He wondered who it could be. Ken was both a likely and unlikely possibility, but Takeru knew it probably wasn't him. So who could it be? Yamato was with their grandmother and anyone else would have called before showing up uninvited. The knocker's identity didn't matter that much. He didn't feel like dealing with people at the moment and whoever it was would get the hint and leave.

But the person didn't seem to catch the hint. They would knock, wait a minute or two, then start knocking again. In total, the person had done this five times before Takeru sighed and stood up to answer the door. It was surprising that he had even been able to get up, but he supposed the energy came from the annoyance that was slowly turning into anger. The persistent knocker ran the chance of being yelled at if his temper blew. 

_Why don't they just go away?_ Takeru thought as he unlocked the door. _When I didn't answer the door the first two times, why didn't they give up?_ He yanked the door open, ready to glare the person away, but he stopped dead cold when he saw who it was. 

  


"D-Daisuke?" Takeru stuttered, wide-eyed and shocked. What was he doing here? He was the last person Takeru expected to see. 

"Konbanwa, Takeru," Daisuke said. A tiny, sheepish smile was on his face, but he wouldn't meet Takeru's eyes. He was obviously fighting against nervousness. "Sorry to bother you so late at night, but a little bird told me you needed a friend right now."

A little bird? What? Who? Takeru blinked. Ken. Ken had called Daisuke? Any other time he would have thought it touching—a sign of their continuing friendship. But at the moment, it just made him angry. The momentary calm that had held him disappeared, leaving in its wake a slowly burning anger. He welcomed the emotion as much as he hated it. 

"Daisuke, I don't really feel like seeing people right now," Takeru said tightly. He glared at Daisuke. He didn't yell, but he did glare. Daisuke seemed unfazed. Maybe that was because he still had not really looked Takeru in the eyes, or because their numerous fights in the past had made him immune to it. 

"I know you don't," Daisuke replied, looking at something over Takeru's shoulder. "Which is why you shouldn't be alone." 

Takeru sighed and raised one hand to rub his temple. He had a headache and Daisuke wasn't making it any better. Why would Ken think that he would want to see Daisuke if Takeru had not wanted to see him? He knew they weren't on speaking terms. For a genius, Ken could be really stupid sometimes. 

Yet Daisuke had agreed. That fact nagged at Takeru. Daisuke and Ken weren't on speaking terms either, but still, Daisuke had come. The only answer Takeru could come up with was that the bond between the three of them was stronger than any hurt feelings. The thought made him regret his words and actions. He should have helped Ken get through to Daisuke. Barring that, he shouldn't have made Ken leave without talking it through. His actions weren't deserving of their friendship, and it was even more of a reason why he shouldn't have to see either of them right now. 

"Can you _please_ just leave?" Takeru glared at him, frustrated and upset. He didn't feel like dealing with any of this. It wasn't like he was being unreasonable. Why was it so hard for his desire to be complied with? 

Daisuke's eyebrow twitched and Takeru wasn't exactly sure what the meaning of it had been. Still, he felt that this was not going to end with Daisuke simply leaving, a feeling Daisuke confirmed when he shook his head. 

"I know I'm one of the last people you want to see right now—"

"Then go!"

"—but I think that you shouldn't be alone. I'm not just talking for Ken, either. It's the both of us. We're worried about you. I'm worried about you, fight be damned." 

Takeru stared at him for a moment. It was all so wrong. It was like the universe was laughing at him… at them.

"So I'm supposed to forget about it all?" He wasn't talking only about their fight. "I can't, Daisuke, and I won't."

"No one says you have to," Daisuke replied calmly. He'd looked like he was thinking about reaching out and touching Takeru's shoulder, but the touch never came. Instead, Daisuke shoved his hands deep into his pockets instead. 

"Then why are you still here?" His voice was steadily raising. The neighbors were going to hear everything. Takeru didn't care though. He might later, but right now it wasn't important. 

"I thought I already made that clear. We're friends." 

"That doesn't mean you can fix everything," Takeru said. He closed his eyes and rubbed at them. His headache was making them ache. 

"I don't expect it to," Daisuke said as he pushed his way past Takeru and moved into the living room. 

Takeru glared at Daisuke's back, but eventually he closed the door and followed Daisuke. He wouldn't be able to get rid of the redhead. Was it so much to ask to be left alone? 

"How long are you planning on annoying me?" Takeru asked tersely. 

"What a kind way of putting things," Daisuke said dryly, sitting down in the seat that Ken had vacated a short while ago. He looked at Takeru with his defiant brown eyes. They were different from Ken's, and not just in color. 

But Takeru already knew that. He'd always known the differences between his two friends. All the same, they both were the cause of his pain, whether they were aware of it or not. They didn't mean to be, Takeru knew, but still they were.

"I don't know how long I'll be staying," Daisuke continued. "A few minutes, a few hours, all night… as long as I have to. You would do the same for me. You need a friend and you have one. Say anything you want to me, use me as your punching bag even, anything to help you feel better." 

Takeru opened his mouth ready to retort, then closed it again. It was hard to stay angry when Daisuke was being so considerate. Daisuke had said that he'd do the same, but when Ken had been hurt, he'd fought with Daisuke instead. He nodded his defeat and sank into another chair, avoiding the spot he had been occupying on the couch. Daisuke was trying very hard to keep his triumphant smile from getting too large. Takeru couldn't bring himself to appreciate the effort.

There was a long silence in the room, Takeru keeping his eyes carefully averted from Daisuke. Talking about this was not something he wanted to do. Like Daisuke, he preferred working out his own problems. In most other cases, he'd be fine with speaking to someone, but talking to Daisuke about his break up with Ken (and all the emotions that ran along with it) felt awkward.

"Y'know, during these situations, talking usually is a prerequisite," Daisuke said, resting his elbow on the chair's arm and his cheek on his upturned hand. A small smile was on the redhead's face. It was the same smile Daisuke gave you when he thought he understood everything. Takeru had missed seeing it, as annoying as it was. Somehow, it was comforting. 

"I told you, I don't want to talk," Takeru replied, arguing out of pretense. "Yet you came in anyway and sat your big butt down like you own the place." His words lacked venom and the anger he'd felt was seeping out of him. He sounded more miffed then anything else. Getting rid of Daisuke wasn't an option. It was pointless to try. When Daisuke got an idea in his head, it was all but impossible to get it out. A small part of him was grateful for his friend's most annoying habit.

Daisuke chuckled softly. "So it's my fault?" 

"Basically." Takeru had to struggle to keep the amused smile from his face. It felt good to be able to do this with Daisuke again and friendly banter with Daisuke was better than delving into a relationship talk. 

But that was what Daisuke wanted, and Daisuke would get his way eventually. The blond sighed. It would be so much easier if he could just go somewhere and wallow in his misery. Knowing Daisuke, he'd probably follow Takeru to the deepest, darkest pit in the planet and demand they talk. The thought made Takeru's right eyebrow twitch, but it also felt good thinking that Daisuke was still willing to do that for him. 

"Why'd you and Ken break up?" Daisuke asked, as predicted. 

It was already hard enough to open up to Daisuke, but that question made it all the more difficult. Takeru was certain Daisuke wouldn't like his answer. 

"What does it matter? We've broken up." For now, he didn't want to tell Daisuke. That could come later. 

Daisuke accepted the words and didn't push the question further. "I was hoping you two would be able to stay with each other." 

"Yes, but it didn't turn out that way, did it?" Takeru snapped. Daisuke wasn't the only one who had hoped he and Ken could have a happy relationship. But at least Daisuke's hope hadn't been based on self-created delusions. 

"It wasn't meant to be," Takeru continued softly. "We were both stupid to think any other outcome could result. Our hope was for nothing." 

Daisuke nodded sadly and Takeru looked away from him. He wasn't sure if there was pity in Daisuke's eyes, but if there was he didn't want to see it. He had enough self-pity for the both of them. 

"Takeru—"

"I'm not really hurting over the ended relationship," Takeru interrupted quietly. Once started, the words kept coming. He needed to get it off his chest. "I mean it hurts, yeah. I really like Ken. But what really upsets me is that I thought I had a chance. I'm upset with myself. I knew better and still I…"

"Listened to me," Daisuke finished for him, lowering his head with a guilty expression. Daisuke was the one who had prodded Takeru into pursuing a relationship with Ken… all because of his anger with himself for failing Ken. Daisuke had been frightened by Ken's feelings for him. He'd pushed Ken away and had pushed Takeru to Ken. 

"I'm sorry."

Takeru snorted. Daisuke was taking all the blame again. It really annoyed Takeru when he did that. 

"Pull your head out of your ass, Daisuke. You presume too much." Takeru leveled Daisuke with a heavy glare. "Not everything that happens is because of you. It was inevitable and… you were right. I have feelings for Ken. I would have tried whether you said anything or not." There was a pause as Takeru thought for a moment. "Well, maybe not as quickly as I did if you hadn't, but it would have happened anyway." 

It was good to admit that, Takeru realized. To say things out loud and lift the weight from his heart. The hurt didn't really lessen but he felt better at having said that. It was his fault, which was why he wasn't really angry with Ken, but the blame wasn't entirely on his shoulders. In his own way, Daisuke was to blame for breaking up with Ken… for leading Ken on for so long. Ken was to blame as well, for he had known that he could never get over Daisuke and had let himself be swayed by Takeru. Yet, it was petty and pathetic to think like that, it was running away and forgetting that Takeru was still the one who had initiated the relationship with full understanding of what was happening. It was his fault, no matter what Daisuke and Ken had to do with it. There were to be no more illusions for Takeru.

"If you had tried later—"

"Daisuke you're suppose to be here to make me feel better," Takeru said, exasperation clear in his voice. Why was Daisuke trying so hard to take the blame for this? It wasn't helping anything. "Bringing up what might-have-been's and what-if's is counterproductive. Ken and I were never meant to be, no matter what the circumstances are. Come to grips with it. I have." 

Daisuke blinked in surprised at his words, then nodded. "You're very strong, Takeru." 

It was Takeru's turn to be surprised. He'd not expected to hear that from Daisuke. Neither one of them had ever said anything like that to the other. Usually, their compliments to each other were hidden behind jokes. Daisuke's words were open and sincere, making Takeru think there was something else making Daisuke say them. It had to be more than just a simple observation. 

"You take things in stride," Daisuke continued, looking directly at Takeru. His voice was lower then its usual pitch. "And when you trip, you don't just sit there. You get up and continue walking with your head held high. I admire that." 

"Daisuke…" Takeru wasn't sure how to respond to that. He'd never heard Daisuke speak that way. Daisuke had always been confident, and though Takeru had known Daisuke wasn't completely like that, he had never expected to hear something like this. 

He had to say something. He couldn't just sit there with his mouth gaping open like some fish's. 

"Idiot," Takeru said fondly. "There's nothing to admire. Just keep going forward, no matter what. That's all you have to do." 

Daisuke nodded, but said nothing more on the subject. There was another silence and this one seemed more uncomfortable than the last, if that were even possible. Takeru wondered where Daisuke was speaking from. It had been strange to hear him talk like that, almost like he was looking at a different person. No, not different… at least not completely. It was just a different aspect of Daisuke, a part Takeru had never been allowed to see before. 

"Daisuke, about before…" Takeru began, breaking the silence. Daisuke looked at him curiously. There was no trace of that other side, but Takeru had seen it once and now would always be able to detect it again, even if Daisuke tried to hide it. "I'm sorry. I was angry… I said some things I shouldn't have." 

"I said worse," Daisuke replied with a bit of a smile. "I'll forgive you if you forgive me, 'kay?" 

"'Kay."Takeru grinned at him. It felt good to have their fight out of the way. He'd missed the comfort of Daisuke's friendship. Of course, he couldn't say it like that, even if they were having a heart-to-heart.

"Great! I've missed pestering you."

"Oh, is that the only reason? I feel so special."

Daisuke chuckled. "Nah, I missed having my best friends around. Me, being the idiot that I am, pissed them both off. I missed having you around, Takeru." 

Takeru had forgotten that. All that happened had left Daisuke without either of them. Takeru felt bad. He realized now that he should have stayed neutral, or at least tried to. He favored Ken over Daisuke. No matter what promise he and the redhead had made that was broken, he should have been more understanding towards Daisuke. 

"I'm sorry about that," Takeru said. "I didn't give you much of a chance."

Daisuke shrugged. "I broke our promise and hurt Ken. I didn't listen to you when you warned me about it, either. And in the process, you got hurt too." 

"Didn't I tell you that it wasn't your fault?" Takeru asked and Daisuke shrugged. 

"A little of the blame falls on all of us," Daisuke replied. "It's not fair for you to take it all on yourself. With all that's happened, there's enough to go around."

Takeru shrugged. It made sense. He could live with Daisuke's logic as long as things mostly returned to the way they were before. 

"So, now that we're best friends again… You're really not going to tell me why you two broke up?" Daisuke asked. Takeru arched an eyebrow at this. 

"Why do you care so much?" he asked. Daisuke looked away and shrugged. Takeru knew that whatever he was about to say was not the truth.

"Curiosity," Daisuke said. "Ken didn't tell me either when he called. Your behavior makes it seem like it's some big secret." 

Takeru sighed. Daisuke didn't realize just how right he was. For Ken, it probably _was_ some huge secret. Takeru, himself, wasn't sure what the real reason was and right then, didn't even really care. But _Daisuke_ cared. 

Takeru could feel something about to happen… He didn't know what or how, exactly, but with Ken breaking up with him, and with Daisuke showing up, it was a chance for their relationship to change. They could clear the air between them. Maybe he was just seeing too much into things, but his gut told him otherwise, and Takeru trusted his feeling. If he was right, then Daisuke needed to know what happened between he and Ken, and maybe things would change.

Waiting until later would just bring more trouble, just like it had in the past. It was keeping things from each other that had caused so many problems. 

"Ken broke it off with me," Takeru began, "because I can't replace you." 

Daisuke's eyes widened and he shook his head as if denying it. Takeru held firm and told him it was true. The redhead looked like he was ready to collapse. It was a strange sort of denial… too great, too strong.

"You are his savior, his hero and his one and only," Takeru said quietly. It hurt so much to say that. His wounds were fresh. Still, it needed to be said. "I couldn't compete against you. Ken realized that. No matter what you feel for Ken, he's always going to feel that way for you. You can't change that." 

Daisuke paled at his words and Takeru couldn't understand why. Daisuke's reaction didn't make sense. Yes, Daisuke should be upset because he was the one that broke it off with Ken but the reaction was still too strong...too strange. _Unless… _But if Takeru was guessing correctly, then why had Daisuke and Ken broken up to begin with?

Takeru studied Daisuke for several minutes. "So that's why we broke up," he finished. "Now, why did you?" Daisuke tensed. "You feel the same for him… or at least something close to it, something that might become just as strong." 

Daisuke looked up and caught Takeru looking at him, studying him, and looked back down at floor, biting his lip. Takeru really wished he could read minds. He was so very confused, but he seemed to have guessed right. There _was_ something going on with Daisuke. Something big. 

Takeru remembered that he always thought something was bothering Daisuke. Ever since they had been kids, he could tell. When Daisuke started dating, having one dysfunctional relationship after another, he'd wanted to help even more. Daisuke's mishaps with Hikari and now, his broken relationship with Ken — it all had to do with whatever it was that had been bothering Daisuke. He'd always wanted to help Daisuke with whatever it was, but he'd never been able to. And now, when he _knew_ something was wrong, he still couldn't think of anything to say. So he said nothing.

"Takeru, when you look at me, what do you see?" Daisuke asked. He wasn't looking at him. Instead he focused on that spot on the floor he had been staring at since the subject of he and Ken had begun. 

Takeru frowned, unsure of what Daisuke was really asking. He was even more unsure of how to answer a question like this. 

"What kind of question is that?" Takeru replied, feeling somewhat nervous. He didn't see what this had to do with his friend's breakup with Ken. But the redhead was waiting, seemed intent on an answer. "I see you, Daisuke," he said at last, his smile hopeful. "I see the silly artist who I used to help chuck water balloons at the principal from the school's rooftop… my best friend who is always there for me, even when I don't want him to be… a person who's caring far too much baggage and who won't ask for help, even though it would be given if he ever asked." 

Takeru wasn't sure if that was the right answer, if there even _was_ a right answer. Was that what Daisuke had wanted to hear? He couldn't have come up with anything else. All he'd been able to do was tell the truth, abridged though it may have been. 

Daisuke seemed to be a bit caught off guard by his words… 

"I can't do it, because of that," Daisuke said. "It's because of that, that I can't be for Ken what he wants to be for me."

"I don't get it, Daisuke." 

"It's _because_ I'm Daisuke, Takeru. I just can't."

Takeru snorted. "That's pure bullshit. Why the hell don't you ever listen to what I'm telling you? Pull your head out your ass already, Daisuke! I'll admit I haven't a clue what the hell is going on with you, but whatever it is shouldn't keep you from being happy. Nothing should. So whatever it is, just damn well deal with it.

"Yeah I'm quite aware of how insensitive and rude I'm being. But you don't confide in me the way I do in you. So I'm just going to go by my assumptions made from eight years of being your friend. Maybe that's wrong, but oh well. You just told me you can't because you're Daisuke. Well, I've got some news for you. No matter who else you become, Ken will still love you, because no matter what, you _are_ Daisuke. You've been him for too damn long not have picked up lots of his bad habits. So whoever else you think you are, Ken, and I for that matter, will get to know that side of you too and welcome it into our hearts along with the rest of you." 

Takeru had been pleased to see that after a while, Daisuke had started looking at him. At least the redhead was paying attention to what he was saying. Still, he wasn't sure what Daisuke thought of his words. Takeru watched him get angry, then sad, then he finally seemed to go blank. He liked the blank look the least. He couldn't reason with a blank expression. Takeru would have to wait and see what Daisuke said. 

Daisuke stayed quiet for a long time before the small beginning of a smile worked its way onto his lips. It was a very good sign. 

"Thank you, Takeru," Daisuke said after what seemed like forever to the nervous and agitated blond. Now, wasn't it Daisuke's turn to make him feel better? he wondered, exasperated. Well, at least Daisuke was better off and Takeru had gotten to speak his peace. Whatever else remained to be said, it could wait until later. Now that they were friends again, they had all the time in the world. 

"I mean it," Daisuke added. "I'll remember this." 

"You'd better. If not, I'll just say it again and again until it gets through that thick skull of yours." 

Daisuke laughed softly. "Thanks… that means a lot." 

His small smile blossomed into a genuine one and Takeru couldn't help but grin back at him. Maybe things wouldn't be as bad as he'd thought they would be an hour ago. He didn't mind so much now that he'd broken up with Ken and that Ken's and Daisuke's relationship was still riddled with problems and stupid thoughts that kept them from being together. Life wasn't exactly perfect, Takeru thought, but as long as they kept working on it, they might get close. He, for one, wasn't planning on moping for the rest of his life over what could have been. His relationship with Ken had never had a chance, but for Ken and Daisuke, they didn't have a chance of ending up _without_ each other. Takeru hoped his friends could be as sensible as him and resolve their problems.

TBC

A new chapter! *gasps* This was actually suppose to be up months ago but things happened. I apologize. And again I thank my wonderful beta Ice'is Blue. You are a goddess for putting up with me and my bad writing. ^_^ 


	16. Default Chapter

Chapter 15

"Your actions confuse me."

"Do they? I think they're quite clear." Long-Yin sighed in exasperation at Wallace's laugh. Her head peeked out from the kitchen entrance to look at Daisuke who sat quietly in the living room. The apartment was small enough that she knew he could probably hear both of them speaking, but his total concentration was dedicated to the canvas and the vase of violets that sat on the table a few feet before him. She wondered if any part of him was aware that she was talking about him with Wallace on the phone. He made no inclination of such an awareness, even with the phone on speaker. He seemed completely entranced with his work. His fixation was more than normal artistic concentration. It was like something had possessed him, like if he believed he had to finish the still life today.

She would try to move him again after she finished speaking with Wallace. For now, she concentrated on what she was cooking and the conversation.

"I thought you wanted them to make peace with each other?" Long-Yin continued, shifting her eyes away from Daisuke and towards one of the few paintings still left in his loft. He had begun the process of shipping everything to America slowly. Wallace would take care of the storage once they arrived.

"I wanted Daisuke to be happy. He's not." Wallace paused, trying to collect his thoughts and Long-Yin waited with her great patience for him to continue. "Now that Daisuke's reason behind his actions has come to light, his leaving will not be met with any resistance."

"There would have been a lesser chance of resistance if Ichijouji-san had stayed in the dark," the woman countered. Her hands moved towards the sink and began to wash the dishes while the food was cooking. "He would have stayed in his apartment cursing Daisuke for scorning his love."

"So you think he will cling harder to Daisuke now that he knows the truth?" Long-Yin didn't answer, and instead considered the sneer in Wallace's voice. She wondered what his expression was like. It really was hard to have a conversation like this over the phone."You are naive and innocent, Long-Yin."

"And you are a cynic, Wallace."

"Pot calling the kettle black." Long-Yin's lips twitched in the barest of a smile. He was right of course.

"And is that really something to be proud of?" she asked after a few moments of silence. She dried the plates and walked out of the kitchen. There was a small round table near the kitchen where she placed the plates down and returned to the kitchen. "Should we really guard our jaded ways of thinking so jealously?"

Wallace was silent and Long-Yin wondered what he could be thinking about. Was he seriously pondering her question or was he just trying to find a counter to her question, something that would prove him correct?

"Not really," Wallace finally responded, his tone subdued. "But don't you think that we've all felt enough pain for countless life times?"

"Life is pain and betrayal. Suffering with only too short moments of respite."

"Exactly! So why even worry about how jaded and cynical we are? They act as cushions." Long-Yin moved to look at Daisuke again after making sure nothing was burning. Her shoulder pressed against the door frame as she watched him. He looked to be upset about something. There was something wrong with the painting that only he could see. Long-Yin could only see the sketches of what would become a vase of violets.

"Because those cushions act also as shields, protecting indiscriminately against anything. They keep at bay the only things that may make life worth living," she replied. She said it as if the thought had just come to her. As if she had never thought about what she had just said before, as if she didn't know that Daisuke and Wallace had that same thought before, like they hadn't played with the idea of just dropping their high walls. Then just as quickly they laughed at the absurdity while wishing (uselessly, they would think) that they could grow some courage.

"A reason to face the darkness." Wallace paused as he thought about this. "The prize at the end of the race."

"Mhmm." Long-Yin smiled, knowing the thought was making Wallace uncomfortable. It was unfamiliar but quite appealing. But Wallace wasn't willing to trek so close to the unknown. She would think people who faced death to save two worlds would be able to face uncertainty with more bravado. But then to kill the villain... to free a imprisoned people was more certain than to open up your heart to someone in the hope that they will soothe away what seemed like a timeless hurt.

"Yeah? So tell me this Long-Yin, who is the prize and who is the winner?" Wallace asked. Did he realize how cruel he was being with his negativity? Long-Yin wasn't exactly sure he really cared.

"Not everything is so black and white, Wallace," the woman said, sighing. "But tell me this, if you could take away my suffering or Shun's suffering, would you not do it?"

"Absolutely!" The blond said with conviction.

"Then why is it so hard to believe that someone else can do that--will want to do that?" She moved slowly towards Daisuke. He really needed to get up, stretch his limbs and eat. But like most artists, Daisuke probably didn't notice the needs of his body. He was so captured by his work.

The curl of the petal wasn't right and it seemed impossible to get it right. He'd been trying for five... fifteen minutes. He wasn't really all that sure. Time seemed to be insignificant, something that only people cared about. He laughed inwardly as he thought this, wasn't he a person? Well yes, but not the same as others. He was an unperson. They shared the same DNA, their bodies worked the same, they shared the same language (depending on whom he was speaking to that is). But that was where the similarities stopped. He wasn't normal like a person. He was something... something that he had no name for.

The petal seemed to come out better this time so Daisuke decided not to mess with it anymore. He'd come back to it later and try to perfect it. This painting would be so realistic that one could reach out and touch the petals of the painted violets and feel its softens, be able to contrast it to the hardness of the stems. One finger ran over the delicate folds of the drawn flower. _It'll be almost impossible to tell the difference. _It was exactly how he wanted it. He was immortalizing them, their special meaning, for all to see. It was very important to him.

He could hear faint the sounds of Long-Yin and Wallace speaking with each other over the phone (not that he was paying attention to what they were saying). She had been staying with him for the passed few weeks, helping him with the last preparations for the trip. She was also keeping him company so that he wouldn't have to think about that dream. It still troubled him. Sometimes he would spend long periods of time fixed in one place, like some sort of statue; his mind completely focused on the dream, he analyzed himself. He tried his best to forget it. Finally he would be able to wrestle free from his mind's grasp. It would almost feel like he were waking up from a long coma. Feeling numb and clumsy as he tried to get back into his usual routine. In the end he had asked Long-Yin to stay with him. She acted as a distraction, kept him from dwelling on such troubling matters.

Now he had another distraction. The painting. It was soul consuming but it left him feeling strangely good. It didn't give him any sort of pain like so many other works had done. He felt sedated and calm even though he knew he was obsessing over it.

"There would have been a lesser chance of resistance if Ichijouji-san had stayed in the dark." Ken's name passed through the fog around his mind, breaking his concentration. He did not raise his head and look towards the woman, instead listening as he paused in his drawing to examine the violets again.

The most minute detail of the flowers would not escape him. He had spent hours just studying the flowers even before buying the canvas for the painting. The idea had been obsessing him since he had left Takeru's place those two and a half weeks ago and he had spent most of those days looking at pictures in books and examining violets in shops and gardens. However this time he wasn't concentrating as solidly as he usually did, now he was listening more carefully. Why were Long-Yin and Wallace talking about Ken?

"He would have stayed in his apartment cursing Daisuke for scorning his love," Long-Yin continued in that same calm tone she always used, as if she believed there was no reason to rush. It would all come to her sooner or later.

His eyes shut at her words, as if doing so would stop the pain he felt from hearing that. The darkness did nothing but hide the flowers. He still felt pain resonating in a hollow place in his chest. Daisuke had hurt Ken so badly. It was still a knowledge that made him want to hurt himself. A physical pain to match the intense pain of guilt he felt over what he had done to Ken.

"So you think he will cling harder to Daisuke now that he knows the truth?" Wallace asked, he sounded almost like he was taunting her. It was strange for Daisuke to hear Wallace sound like that. It wasn't from lack of hearing the blond speak like that but because he usually kept that bitterness and foulness deep down inside, far away from the light of day.

Daisuke paused even in his examination of the flowers, straining now to listen for Long-Yin's answer. It seemed like even the cells in his body paused in anticipation of her answer. Though he felt silly, what did it matter? Long-Yin was no medium, no psychic, she could not read Ken's mind. Whatever her response, it would be a supposition and nothing more. Yet there he was, straining, waiting, _dying_ to know what she would say. He _needed_ to know, even if her answer meant nothing.

_But it does... _Daisuke was no fool. He was just a liar and a coward.

No answer came and they went on some sort of tangent. Sophisticated name calling. It was maddening. The answer would have brought some sort of ease to him. Now the question lingered in his mind, fighting for his attention against even the dream.

Ken wasn't over Daisuke. He _knew_ that. Not only was Ken's failed relationship with Takeru proof, but Takeru had confirmed it: _"Ken broke it off with me_,_"_ Takeru had said. _"Because I can't replace you."_ To Ken, Daisuke was irreplaceable. Daisuke wasn't sure what this truth made him feel. He was in a tumult of feeling.

One question stood before him threatening to drive him mad. Would Ken try to pursue Daisuke once more? Would he come knocking at Daisuke's door, proclaim his love to Daisuke and tell him that he would be with him no matter what his past was like. That he didn't care if Daisuke was tarnished and troubled. That he would love Daisuke no matter what he was, no matter who he was and who he is now. That if Daisuke stripped off all his masks, Ken would still be there with him. Not repulsed, but accepting and loving, just as Takeru had implied. Would Ken come for him?

The very idea made him want to laugh. But he couldn't. No there was absolutely no conceivable way for Daisuke to laugh. No matter how unrealistic it seemed, how fairy tale-like. Even so, he would not accept even the smallest inkling of hope. Just because Takeru could not replace Daisuke did not mean Ken was no less angry for being hurt, for being lead on. Ken could always go looking for solace somewhere else. Yet that sounded nothing like anything Ken would do.

Daisuke almost groaned. His thoughts were becoming troublesome again. He turned back to the flowers. He would expel these thoughts immediately from his mind. He did not want to consider them and he would not allow them to take him over.

So concentrate on the flowers, the curve of the petal–like they were cupping something–the long stem, the radiant violet color... _Ken always thought they looked best purple. _He smiled a little at the thought. Purple did suit them better than any other color they bloomed in. This particular shade reminded him of Ken's hair, though his hair was black it would look blue-ish or even a little purple under a certain light. It was very strange yet very pretty, he always liked to play with the strands of Ken's hair and examine the odd little color changes. Ken would let him of course, he loved having his hair touched.

The memories warmed him, he couldn't help the soft smile that came to his lips. Not that he was going to fight it, he liked the pleasant memories. Ken had given him many and they were like precious little stars in the black and foggy city sky. He loved them dearly, just like he loved Ken. He wondered if he had given Ken as many precious memories. He must have if Ken wasn't ready to get over him. If Ken was willing to come for him. Some how that was impossible for him to fathom, but he knew it to be true.

Even though he had virtually failed with Ken, Daisuke was still able to give him some fond memories. Daisuke's smile became larger.

Takeru had made it clear that he cared for Daisuke too. It was harder now to lie to himself, to deny their feelings. Takeru even said he didn't care who Daisuke was or thought he was. He would always care. Daisuke could tell that Takeru wasn't lying, but it was hard to accept anyway. Love Shun? Love who Shun was and had been? What he had done? It was just to hard to believe. Takeru only said that because he did not know Shun. Only Ken knew... but yet Ken had not been repulsed. Long-Yin had said he was angry, yes, but not with Daisuke. And Ken had still broken up with Takeru because of Daisuke.

Over and over again the same thoughts, but still nothing seemed to really make sense. It all contradicted... Yes, it all contradicted his beliefs. But he wasn't willing to let them go yet. It was too hard. He had always had faith in one thing: that Shun could never love, he was too repulsive. Therefore he should never be loved. Hence the birth of Daisuke. But Daisuke loved Ken and Ken loved both Shun and Daisuke. Takeru said that he was both Shun _and_ Daisuke, and that he cared for Daisuke no matter the name he was donning at the time. Again the same thing and again he couldn't embrace it. He couldn't let go of his old convictions.

Daisuke was not perfect. People had still disliked him. But at least there was something to him. Unlike Shun who was nothing. He was just an amalgam of bad experiences. He was nothing, he was never allowed to grow and flourish into anything _real_. He was just this thing, this tired used thing that Daisuke had no name for. He couldn't fathom Shun loving or being loved. But he was because Daisuke and Shun were relatively the same...

_No! That's not true._

That was the crux, wasn't it? He didn't believe it. He couldn't _see_ how they could be two haves of the same whole. He knew it because he knew himself. Takeru didn't know him. Ken didn't know him. They only believed they did. They were nothing but observers, they had made conclusions from tiny little bits of information. Mostly misinformation.

Ken loved Daisuke. He only knew Daisuke. He may know Shun's story but he did not know Shun. He thought Shun was Daisuke! But he wasn't. Daisuke was who Shun wished so hard he could be. But even that mask was marred.

_I am an idiot. _

"Shun," Long-Yin said softly. She was standing to his right and looking down at him patiently. It was apparent that she had been calling for quite some time now. He knew now that he had heard her calling, he had just not responded. He was too deep in thought to really register her words.

"Dinner is ready," she said, turning her head towards the table. The plates were set, the food was already served too. Long-Yin was always very efficient. It was the result of good training. It made her as efficient at catering to people as it made him a good sex toy. "You should eat. It will replenish your energy."

Daisuke nodded. He looked back at the violets, the painting, and then got up. He didn't feel like working right now anyway. His mind was too preoccupied.

"What did you make?" Daisuke asked, following her to the table.

"Fried soba with chicken teriyaki and some miso soup," Long-Yin replied. "The chicken was on sale you see and I could not resist the idea."

There was a pause, Daisuke nodded in acknowledgment to what she said.

"You were talking with Wallace," he said, glancing at her. He was curious to see what she said.

"Do not worry, I was using a phone card." That really wasn't the response that he was expecting.

"On speaker," he tried again and glanced at her. Long-Yin just nodded her head, looking back at him curiously.

"Did we interrupt you, Shun?" Some how he knew that she didn't need him to answer. He sighed inwardly

"Not really... not at first anyway–Hey!" Daisuke interrupted himself, turning so he was completely facing her. She turned too, a little curiosity in her eyes. She stood with her legs close together, her arms hanging just a little in front of her with her hands clasped together. She looked so very pretty and feminine with her dark hair and demure eyes. Again the results of vigorous hours of training. Ken expected people like them to be anything but what they were trained for? Daisuke sighed, he was worse than Ken though, he entertained the notion even when he knew

better.

"Yes?" Long-Yin asked. Usually she would wait but he supposed she was hungry and so a little impatient.

"You know it's strange," Daisuke began, taking a seat and motioning for her to do so too. They could eat while he voiced his thoughts. "You always call me Shun. Wallace too sometimes... though I think he refrains from doing so for everyone's benefit. "

Long-Yin took some chicken and chewed on it before speaking. She wasn't chewing thoughtfully, she didn't need too. He could tell she already knew what her response would be.

"No matter what you want to call yourself, you're still Shun." She seemed to rethink her answer and he knew she was only doing so because of Daisuke's expression. The response had been depressing. He waited quietly, wondering what she was going to say. Was she was going to elaborate or just try to make him feel better.

"You have a very attractive body," Long-Yin began and put her chopsticks down. Her eyes settled on him. Long-Yin wanted his complete attention. She didn't need to worry, her statement had been surprising and a little awkward. "Muscular and athletic"

"Ah... thank you," Daisuke said. He felt awkward. Long-Yin was never one for compliments, especially about their physical appearance. It was strange because their appearance was a sensitive subject. They always made unconscious efforts to look good because they wanted to be appealing but never to each other or really to themselves. They were pleasing for everyone but themselves and each other. It was too weird for her to compliment him like that.

"It took a long time for it to look like that," she continued. "I remember when you use to be this scrawny thing. You looked like a strong wind would blow you away." She smiled, it was very small but it was there. Daisuke just grumbled at the jab. "As you became stronger, you became awkward in your movements. You were still trying to establish grace then. Now you have such a lovely grace when you play, when you walk and move. Your body has grown, learned, become stronger. It has really changed a lot form that gangly thing I was so familiar with. But it is still your body, you realize that, right Shun? The same body you were born with. The same body they touched and admired. The same body that you struggled so hard to make strong and attractive. The same one that helped you win the championship, paint those pictures, and all those other things you've done with it. You understand what I am saying right? The same body that brought you so much love and attention is the same one you stare at with revulsion in your darkest moments of depression."

He nodded. He knew exactly what she meant. The analogy was as clear as day to him. An undesirable thing can be change, become more pleasant and attractive, can improve on itself but it was still that undesirable thing.

The old version always influenced the new version.

"That's why you and Wallace never changed your names huh?" Daisuke asked smiling a little. Though he wasn't too sure what really brought on the smile. It didn't feel completely bitter but it wasn't happy either. "That's why you always said it would be stupid."

Long-Yin just nodded. "It would have been stupid and pointless. I am and always have been Long-Yin, my experiences back then influenced how I turned out now. I am and am not the same Long-Yin of before." She picked up her chopsticks again. She had made her point and now she would eat. But Daisuke could tell she was still perked and ready for anymore questions or comments form him. He had none, at least none that would be voiced. Her answer was just more things for him to contemplate.

Denial really was a tiresome luxury. However he knew that he could not call it that anymore. It wasn't a luxury, it was a burden. It was just something else keeping him from getting up.

Ken looked up at Daisuke's building from his spot across the street. So what was this? The second day he's wasted standing next to the street lamp and peering up at the building. What the neighborhoods must think of him!

He watched as Long-Yin exited the building as she always did around this time to go buy groceries for dinner. She always saw him but never crossed the street to speak to him, never waved or even made a little inclination with her head as greeting. Nothing. She would just look at him before going on her way. Today she stopped after seeing him, raised her hand and checked her wristwatch, gave him another fleeting glance and then started down the street to the grocery store.

Ken stared after her, watching her hips sway as she walked. He wondered if she was conscious of it and then decided that she probably was. The way she moved, it was just a little too perfect, too graceful and sensual. She must have practiced it.

Why on earth was he thinking about that anyway? What he should be thinking about was Long-Yin's little message. Time was running out, that's what the little gesture told him. Daisuke was going to leave and he needed to stop being so hesitant and frightened. He needed to walk into the apartment building across the street, take the elevator to the seventh floor and knock on Daisuke's door. Ken needed to confront Daisuke. He needed to talk to Daisuke before he left.

But he was so scared and unsure of himself. He didn't know what to say to Daisuke. He didn't know how to speak to him. He had spent days just thinking about what he was going to say to the redhead. He had sat up for hours just thinking and processing every single word that he might possibly use when he spoke to Daisuke. All the little speeches were rejected in the end. That was what really scared him. The lack of a game plan. Sure he could act impulsively sometimes but those moments were rare and usually the byproduct of emotional weakness. They almost always ended in disaster too. Ken didn't want disaster. He wanted success. He needed a game plan.

After three days of deliberation Ken realized that it wasn't going to happen. He realized he needed to forgot making a carefully constructed speech and just make up some main points, hope for the best and head on out to Daisuke's apartment. Unfortunately he had yet to make it up there. So far he's just stopped across the street form the building and spent hours staring at the entrance and at the distant window of Daisuke's apartment. He just couldn't work up the guts to go up there.

What if he messed up again? Ken seemed to be on a roll lately, always messing up. He was afraid that he would do so again. He couldn't mess up. This was his last chance before Daisuke would leave him for a foreign country for God only knew how long. It needed to be perfect... or as close to perfect as possible.

Ken knew that it wouldn't even be close to perfect. That knowledge made him hesitant. So for two days he had come to Daisuke's apartment building just to stare at it for hours. Daisuke didn't come out of his apartment building (or if he did, it was only during the times Ken wasn't stalking his building) and he was glad. Ken didn't want to confront him in the middle of the street. Though he couldn't help but wonder what Daisuke was doing up there, he never could bring himself to stop Long-Yin and ask.

"You do realize loitering is against the law?"

Ken squeaked in surprise, turning, wide eyed, to look at an amused Takeru. Surprise turned into dread upon seeing the blond he hadn't seen Takeru since the break up. Another issue he had not worked up the courage to take care off.

"T-Takeru... you scared me," Ken breathed out after a few moments.

"Yeah I came to that realization when you almost jumped out of your skin a minute ago." Ken gave him a foul look but Takeru didn't look the least bit sorry for surprising him. Ken supposed that it was understandable. The blond was probably still angry and hurt.

"Come have a cup of coffee with me," Takeru said after a few long moments of oppressive silence. Ken blinked at him, obviously bemused. "I need to talk to you," he added firmly.

Ken nodded. There was no getting out of it, he supposed. Honestly he didn't want too, he realized. He was scared. However he hated having their relationship up in the air like it had been. Things needed to be settled, for better or worst.

The two men started walking, side by side and mostly silent until they reached a little hole in the wall coffee shop which seemed to have a penchant for violets. Takeru bought two cups and handed one to a protesting Ken, saying stubbornly that Ken need the caffeine. They sat down in the corner where Ken spent a few minutes stirring his coffee.

"About what happened..." Ken started, slowly raising his eyes to look at his companion. Takeru shook his head.

"I don't hate you Ken," Takeru said simply and Ken couldn't resist the sigh of relief. Takeru smiled a little and Ken knew that any other time, the blond would have reached over and ruffled his hair.

The little smile disappeared quickly though. The seriousness of Takeru's expression put Ken on edge. "That doesn't mean I'm not angry and hurt." Ken nodded. Why would he be anything else? He opened his mouth to speak but Takeru interrupted him. "Don't apologize. I don't want to hear it. It's meaningless."

Ken winced at Takeru's word but the blond continued without seeming to notice. Ken was no fool, he knew Takeru noticed.

"It's meaningless because you'll never love me and apologizing for that is just stupid," Takeru finished before sipping his coffee.

He blinked at the blond and then shook his head. "I want to apologize for leading you on, not for being unable to return your feelings."

There was a small pause as Takeru considered the statement. He just nodded, accepting what Ken said. Ken was glad.

"I don't forgive you," Takeru then said, making Ken feel horrible all over again. "I can't forgive myself either. It's not like I wasn't aware of how you felt." He shrugged a little. "We're both to blame."

Ken couldn't exactly respond to that. He felt like it was his fault completely. He should have realized how Takeru felt, he should have been strong enough to stop the blond's advances. But he knew that Takeru wouldn't accept that answer so he just kept quiet. Still Takeru's reasoning seemed less immature than his. He found himself voicing those last thoughts.

"It's not maturity," Takeru responded. "It's apparent. If I was mature I wouldn't have made a pass at my emotionally distraught friend. Hell I don't even know if my reasoning is right. If I'm trying to remove blame from one of us by sharing it. I really don't know."

Ken wanted to say something but Takeru didn't let him. The blond shook his head and firmly told him he didn't want to hear it.

"I don't feel like playing the blame game Ken," he explained. "It just means I'll dwell on what happened longer than I care to. I want to move on, put it behind me. I want to stop hurting." The firm expression Takeru had been holding on so tightly to crumbled and looking at him now, Ken felt his heart breaking.

Takeru folded his arms on the table and rested his chin on them, looking up at Ken with pained blue eyes.

Ken watched him silently, unsure of what to do or say. This was his biggest problem. He was never good at comforting people. He could never give back to his friends what they had given him. How was he suppose to help Daisuke if he couldn't even help Takeru. His feelings weren't enough to help Daisuke. It was all about actions spurred by feelings. He knew that. The problem was that he had the feelings, plenty to spare, but the actions... they were up in the air.

_Gods, I can't even tell him the feeling will pass because I really don't have the experience to do so. _He thought miserably. But he wanted to say something so badly. Anything at all!

"I'll always be here for you," Ken blurted out. He felt instantly stupid and tried to correct himself. But he just ended up stammering incoherently. Takeru watched him quietly for a while, doing nothing to end his suffering.

"I mean... like to listen and lend a comforting arm or something like that..." Ken ended miserably. He lowered his head, wishing the earth would swallow him up whole.

"Is that how your going to talk to Daisuke?" Takeru asked. They had been silent for so long that the sound of Takeru's voice surprised him.

"Huh?" Ken asked, blinking.

"You're never going to get anywhere with Daisuke if you just yammer on like that," he explained, sitting back up again. He took a long drink of his coffee before continuing. "You lack confidence in yourself and your abilities. If you don't present yourself as assertive and confident how on earth can you expect Daisuke to trust you with his heart and problems? He's just going to see that delicate boy that he's always wanted to comfort and take care of. Not let comfort him and take care of him. 'Cause that is what you want to do for him."

Ken nodded. Takeru was right. The blond had the uncanny ability of being right about just about anything. He was smarter than Ken could ever be.

He sighed, letting his face drop into his upturned hands. "I just don't know what to say," Ken began. "I want to help him so badly. But I just never know what to do, what to say. I always feel like I'll mess it all up if I try."

Takeru shook his head in exasperation. Ken couldn't blame him for his reaction. He felt the same frustration. Why couldn't he just do it? Why couldn't he just plow through with courage and valor? He was just so afraid of consequences, of messing up and never getting another chance with Daisuke again.

"You've gotta forget about all that," Takeru started, fingering the violet in the silly looking vase Ken hadn't even noticed was there. "Your fear is keeping you from doing what you must. I'm not saying it's not normal to be afraid. I'm sure that if I was in your situation I'd be scared shitless. I'd be wondering what to do. But I wouldn't let the fear dictate my actions. Which is what you're doing, you realize that right? That's why you stammer and your mind goes all blank, because you're letting the fear supercede your good intentions."

Takeru stopped speaking then and gave him a pointed look. Ken knew that he was telling him to stop doing that. He nodded but the look didn't leave Takeru's face. He hadn't proven to the blond that he was going to stop it. But how was he suppose to prove it to Takeru?

"I know you're right," Ken finally said. "It's just hard."

"Of course it's hard. If it were easy you'd be cuddling Dai not sitting here with me." Ken felt the urge to bang his head against the table.

"I don't know what to do," Ken moaned and closed his eyes, covering them with his palms. He just wanted to block out the world for a while. He knew he was still looking for some sort of structure, some plan he could cling too. He knew he shouldn't. Takeru had told him that and he had mostly realized that himself before hand. He knew it was just his fear that kept from trying. He knew that if he didn't try he'd lose Daisuke.

The thought of losing Daisuke made his heart thump so loud he couldn't hear anything, not even his own thoughts. It gave him the clarity he needed. He realized that the fear of losing Daisuke superceded any other, especially if he never tried. If he gave it a shot and screwed up he could maybe try again, he could reword his phrases or apologize for any transgression and explain himself. He could try again. But sitting there, or standing on the corner and bitting his nails would certainly lead directly to failure. Why? Simply because he was already giving up without trying. He wasn't trying because he wanted to succeed, he was trying because he knew he was going to fail and wanted it never to be said that he didn't try.

Thinking that way was destined for failure. He'd known that since he was a child. If he didn't fully believe in the success of a project then it would fail, since he wasn't really trying. But this time failure wasn't an option or at least it should be the last damn thing he should be thinking about. This was just as much about Daisuke as it was about him. If he gave up on himself, he gave up on Daisuke too.

Daisuke may have given up on himself long ago, but he had never given up on Ken. Not when Ken truly needed him the most.

Something smooth and soft tickled his nose, pulling Ken out of his thoughts. Moving his hands and opening his eyes, he realized that it was a violet. He blinked at it and raised his head, looking at Takeru–who was holding the flower's stem–curiously.

"Do you know what violets mean in the language of flowers?" Takeru asked. Ken shook his head no. "They mean 'let's take a chance'."

Ken smiled a little. "All right, I got your point the first time."

Takeru shrugged. "Gotta make sure. Can't just assume with you."

Ken lowered his eyes and looked at the flower still in Takeru's hand. Then back at Takeru, who was playing idly with the flower, giving Ken another chance to put his thoughts together. What would he do without his dear friend? He honestly never wanted to know.

"Takeru... can we still be friends?" Ken asked, keeping his eyes firmly on Takeru.

Crystal clear blue eyes shifted and looked at him making Ken feel uneasy. But he held his ground. Then Takeru gave him a gentle smile.

"Silly question," he began. "Of course we can. Now get the hell out of here before you lose your nerve."

Ken couldn't help but beam at him. "Thank you." He stood up from his chair.

Takeru waved a hand at him in a dismissive gesture. He wouldn't look at Ken either and Ken wasn't exactly sure what to think about it. He decided that he would worry about it later. Takeru was right, he needed to leave. He had do get this done before he just lost his nerve all together.

But first...

Moving around the table, Ken bent over and hugged Takeru tightly. He felt Takeru stiffen in his embrace then slowly relax, wrapping an arm around him and squeezing back quickly before pushing him away gently.

"Go already," Takeru said, making shooing motions. Ken now realized why Takeru had avoided looking at him before. He couldn't mask the pain on his face.

Ken wanted to apologize but he bit his tongue. Takeru didn't want, didn't need, to hear it. Still the guilt gnawed at Ken's heart as he exited the coffee shop and left his best friend alone and heartbroken.

Taking the last steps to Daisuke's apartment seemed endless. He stopped in front of Daisuke's door and just stared at it. His palms were sweating and cold, he was trembling a little. He was so scared. But he felt also calm and strong. For the first time in a long time, he felt sure of himself. Not over confident but sure that whatever happened today, he gave it his all. He would achieve something with Daisuke.

He knocked on the door.

The time it took for Daisuke to answer the door seemed even more endless than the time it took to walk to his door. He didn't even think time existed anymore during the silence that greeted him when Daisuke opened the door. Daisuke was just staring at him, brown eyes wide and for the most part unreadable. Ken felt his body freeze; it was terror, like he were about to face a huge Airdramon completely alone. He tried his best to brush the fear aside. It was hard. This was it. But he would do it.

"Ken..." Daisuke breathed out. He licked his lips nervously before continuing. "What are you doing here?"

So how does he do this? Would it be prudent to start with some small talk? Should he just jump right in? Well at the very least he should get passed the front door before he gets into any heavy conversation.

"I wanted to see you," Ken began and tried to keep the uncertainty out of his voice. It threatened to creep in even with all his resolve. Old habits die hard. He paused, gauging the red head's reaction. Daisuke just seemed to be struggling with something... maybe struggling to keep calm. Well that made two of them. "May I come in?"

For a moment Ken thought that Daisuke would decline, he could not keep the sigh of relief from coming out when the man stepped out of the way and motioned for him to enter. Daisuke looked at him a little strangely, Ken just tried to smile it off. He doubted he achieved that.

Daisuke's apartment was bigger now that most of the paintings were packed away and on their way to America. He didn't like it, the paintings gave the place life. The Spartan look just didn't fit Daisuke at all.

There was one painting on the **esal** and flowers set on the table behind it. Violets. The sight of them made Ken's resolve increase. There was going to be another chance. He just knew it. _But if I don't listen to Daisuke..._ Ken thought realizing the redhead had been speaking to him.

"So do you want something to drink?" Daisuke asked again. Ken smiled apologetically for not listening and shook his head.

"When do you leave?" Ken asked, moving closer to the unfinished painting. There were a few smears of color here and there, it was still mainly a sketch. But for a sketch it was absolutely beautiful. Ken could tell that Daisuke had been taking his time with this painting.

"In another two weeks," Daisuke replied and walked a little closer to him, though not as close as he would have before. Usually Daisuke would have thrown an arm around him, laughing merrily. Not that Ken had been expecting _that_ Daisuke to greet him today but he still missed that Daisuke terribly. He dared hope that maybe after today he would start to see him again.

"How did you find out about my leaving?" Daisuke asked after a moment or two. He had been looking at Ken while Ken looked at the painting and the flowers. Ken had let him look for a while, watching Daisuke from the corner of his eyes. He wasn't sure if he was doing it to gauge Daisuke or because he was stalling.

"Jun."Daisuke nodded as if he wasn't surprised in the least. Ken was relieved to see no negative feelings reflected in his brown eyes.

_Enough stalling_. He turned his attention completely on Daisuke and the redhead seemed to look more nervous now.

"If you say we need to talk I'll scream I swear," Daisuke said in a lame attempted at levity. He was that uncomfortable? Probably. Though it still took Ken by surprised and Daisuke seemed to just be more upset because of it.

"We do though," Ken said calmly..

"About us." It wasn't a question, Daisuke was finishing Ken's sentence. He was resigned to it, he would not fight. He'd let Ken have his talk. Ken watched him move to the couch and take a seat. Though he wasn't sure if he was ready to sit down next to Daisuke. He still walked over and stood near the couch, not before Daisuke, but near enough.

"I want to try again Daisuke," Ken said quietly. That probably wasn't the best way to start but he had to start somewhere and that was as good a place as any.

"I told you Ken," Daisuke began, not looking at him. "I don't love you."

Ken tried not to let the pain of that statement overwhelm him. He ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to calm himself a little more.

"I-I know you don't." Ken stopped and took a breathe. "But that's because you never had a reason too. I never gave you a reason too. I was selfish and I took you for granted."

Daisuke shook his head. "That's not true."

"Yes it is," Ken argued. "I've thought back to each moment I've spent with you, even each moment I've spent with Takeru. I'm selfish, Daisuke. I've taken you both for granted. I never gave back as good as I got."

"Then why don't you go make up with Takeru!" Daisuke all but yelled. Desperation and strain pulled on his face. Ken wanted to hold him, just like Daisuke had always held him. But he knew he couldn't do so yet. Daisuke wouldn't accept the act of kindness.

"I love _you_," Ken said softly but with determination. His tone said there was no doubt in his mind. "And before you say anything, I won't love anyone but you. You're it Daisuke. My one and only; full of spirit, beautiful artistic vision and faults. I wouldn't have you any other way."

"Ken..." Daisuke's voice cracked with strain. He raised his head and looked at Ken. All his years knowing Daisuke and this was probably the first time he had ever seen the redhead look like that. Sad yes, distraught and nervous yes. But never like this. The raw emotion, uncontrolled and undiluted. And no matter how hard it was for Ken to look upon that expression, he wouldn't look away.

"You don't _know_ me," Daisuke continued. "The real me. The one that Long-Yin told you about. You don't know Shun."

A great weight settled in the pit of Ken's stomach when Daisuke said that name. It was like everything was closing and opening before him all at the same time. He felt suffocated by some sort of feeling he did not understand and it was draining his calm. It was making him feel dread.

It was his opponent, finally showed before him. Shun was the one Ken had to fight. Not the horrible person that had twisted and used Daisuke but the byproduct of that person's horrible deeds. Shun: the scared, lost boy.

"Yes I know," Ken said after a few moments of silence. He tried hard not fiddle with his shirt or do anything else that may make him look anything but totally sure of himself. "And I want to know him too, because he's part of you and I love you. It's only right that I do"

Daisuke snorted and folded his arms. It reminded Ken of a stubborn child. He had to fight against Daisuke's stubbornness, doubts, fears–he had to fight against Shun.

"You don't want to know him Ken," Daisuke began, rubbing his temple. "Honestly there's nothing to know. Just old scars and ugly memories."

"You of all people should know that ugly memories and old scars aren't reasons to scorn someone," Ken said. "You took me in when mine were still fresh and bleeding." In a moment of bravery he moved to the couch, sitting down next to Daisuke. There was still quite a bit of space between them but Ken was still able to reach out and place a hand on the man's shoulder. "Shun is your childhood experiences. Important childhood experiences that helped shaped you into who you are today. The Daisuke I met was like a growing sapling from... a Shun-seed, if you will"

Daisuke just shook his head in denial. He didn't seem to respond in anyway to the hand on his shoulder. Ken took it as a good thing giving his shoulder a little squeeze before continuing, "Daisuke, you're neither schizophrenic or have any dissociative disorder. Shun wasn't another mind that went into the backseat when you were rescued from that horrible place. Shun continued experiencing even after he changed his name to Daisuke. Just like I continued experiencing after I changed my name to the Digimon Kaiser and back again."

Daisuke slumped into the couch, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose. Ken watched him curiously, expectantly. He was surprised by how Daisuke was acting. He hadn't expected him to seem so resigned. There seemed to be absolutely no fight in the man, which was just strange to Ken. Daisuke was a fighter. It was why he was able to keep moving in the face of all his problems. It's what helped him in his metamorphosis. He wasn't as strong and infallible as Ken had always thought Daisuke to be but he was still a fighter. That wasn't something one could really pretend to be. So this resigned Daisuke just confused Ken. What did it mean? It couldn't mean that he had gotten through to the redhead...?

No that just wasn't possible.

Ken came here expecting to kick and fight his way through to Daisuke. He didn't know what to do.

Daisuke closed his eyes in an attempt to escape, even if it was just for a few minutes. He felt like he was losing his senses. Everything Ken just said fortified ever single thought he's been having for the passed few days. It went in agreement with everything Long-Yin and Takeru had said, and went totally against anything he wanted to believe. What the hell were they doing, sharing notes!

A part of him told him that he should just give up. Agree with them and be done with it. He should just make them all happy... make Ken happy and start a new relationship with him. But if he truly didn't believe than he would just be lying and hurting them, not to mention entering another meaningless relationship that would never work. He really wished he could explain this to them. It wouldn't work. He can't change a way of thinking that's completely ingrained in his way of life.

"Nothing else makes sense," Daisuke said out loud, breaking the silence that had settled in the room. He opened his eyes, settling them on the lovely man next to him. He had the urge to just reach out and touch him, like he had done so many times in the past. But that wasn't a privilege he had anymore. "I mean it does. What you say–what you've all said. But it doesn't make sense in that unexplainable way. I guess I mean, it just doesn't make sense in my heart.

"I've come to gripes with who I am. I know that I'm Shun... no matter what I'd like to think and what I call myself. Even though I've come to terms with that, I still see no reason to pursue a relationship. Like realizing who I really am just makes it even more impossible for me to try a relationship. After all these years of growth, Ken, I haven't really changed where it counts the most."

Daisuke sighed in frustration. Still some of the burden left when he voiced his thoughts. He wasn't sure if Ken understood him and what this all meant to Daisuke in the long wrong.

Ken nodded. He understood. It didn't surprise Daisuke, Ken was smart after all and he usually understood what Daisuke was trying to say. Daisuke could babble incoherently in front of his friends, confusing them and it would always be Ken who would just smile gently and explain to them what he meant. Daisuke had always thought it was because of their link, they were Jogress partners after all. But whatever the reason he liked having someone that could understand him, no matter how incoherent he felt.

Daisuke turned his head completely to look at Ken. Ken was thinking, probably figuring out how to respond to what Daisuke had just said.

Ken's hand moved from his shoulder and took hold of one of Daisuke's hands, holding it tightly.

"I know I don't know much about your old life. All I know I learned from Long-Yin and Jun-san," Ken began. "But even with that little bit of second hand information about you, I just can't accept that you haven't changed." Daisuke opened his mouth to protest and Ken shook his head. He wasn't done yet. "Some wounds have closed Daisuke, I don't think you could have done all the great things you've done in your short life if some hadn't healed. You just didn't notice it. How living with the Motomiyas took away some of the pain and helped you begin to grow in all those important places."

Ken paused for a moment, Daisuke would have said something but he couldn't bring himself to speak.

"After I fell as the Kaiser," he continued. "I was so cold. But you warmed me. Warmth that came from here." He reached forward and placed a hand on Daisuke's heart. Ken's cheeks were flushed slightly from embarrassment . Daisuke had to admit what he was saying was embarrassing, but it was also completely and utterly honest. Daisuke couldn't laugh or scoff at such sincerity.

"It doesn't _feel_ true Ken," Daisuke argued.

"But it is and you just need time to come to terms with it," Ken countered.

The redhead snorted. "I've had years."

"It takes time. And this time, you won't be doing it while thinking of yourself as two entities. Now you can really begin to finish the healing process."

Daisuke shook his head a little, trying to clear his head. His brain felt like it was being compressed. The conversation, the whole situation, was oppressive. He just wanted to get up and run far away. Daisuke wanted to hide and wrap himself back up in all the lies and defenses mechanisms he used throughout life to survive the horrors of his earliest childhood.

"Confrontations are scary..." Daisuke whispered, raising his legs up on the couch and pressing his knees to his chest. His arms went about wrapping around his legs and he rested his chin on top of his knees. Daisuke looked straight a head of him instead of at Ken. "There are terrifying things residing in the shadows of my consciousness." And who knew what in hell could be lurking about in his unconscious.

Ken nodded. Daisuke knew he understood the fear of confronting the darkness. It was essentially what Ken was asking him to do. He was asking him to stay here and confront all the things he had called 'Shun', the darkness in his heart, the trauma.

"It's not easy either." Ken's honesty was painful. He wouldn't have minded if Ken had just lied and told him it would be easy. "As long as you know what _is _true, then we're on the right path."

Daisuke felt horror rise into him. One thing was to leave it as an unspoken fact, something they both knew, but to speak of it. It just made him feel horrible. "Oh gods, Ken, don't say 'we'. I never want to take you down any path I'm walking."

"Daisuke, we've been walking down the same path since the day we met," Ken said without even a moments thought. Daisuke wasn't sure what to think about his quick response. "Helping each other up every time one of us tripped. Though I'll be honest, I've been totally ignoring you. I'm a horrible traveling companion but I'm going to try my hardest now to help you up. Every time you fall I wanna be there to help you up."

"Ken... it doesn't feel right," Daisuke tried again but he just felt like he was trying to hold back the ocean with a beaver's dam. His body shook and his palms were starting to sweat. Brown eyes shifted to glance at Ken.

"It's not instantaneous." Ken's eyes held Daisuke's and he felt like he was just falling into them. "But your feelings won't change if you don't at least try. You have to test a theory out for yourself before you can truly accept it. And this is going to be a long experiment so you've gotta have the patience to see it through. Also for this one, you've got to have faith in its success."

"Science and faith don't mix," Daisuke snorted. Ken glared at him.

"Well if this were an exact science," Ken started looking annoyed.

"I would have fixed myself a long time ago," Daisuke finished for Ken, looking apologetic. Ken was only trying to help him, trying to ease his fears now that had made his point. Daisuke didn't have to be mean. He didn't want to be mean. What he really wanted to do was just accept what he had been hearing for so long. Blind acceptance, no trials and struggles. No fear.

Just admitting that he _was _Shun had been impossibly difficult. He was dreading everything else he would have to face. His eyes shifted back to Ken when the raven-haired man moved. He had raised one leg on the couch so he could better face Daisuke. Ken's face was sincere, open, inviting and determined. Daisuke hadn't seen Ken like that in a long time. It was the face of someone ready to commit themselves to long and hard task. Ken wouldn't leave him to his own troubles, even if Daisuke told him to get out right now. It made an indescribable feeling well up in Daisuke's chest and he felt the tears stinging his eyes.

So he was ready to take the first step in truly getting better? No lies, no role playing games, nothing but hard work and truth. Now how in hell was he suppose to tell Ken that? Words had never been his forte but at the moment they seemed to have completely abandon Daisuke.

Daisuke wrinkled his nose a little. Since the beginning he had always been a tactile person, why on earth was he even worrying about words? Reaching out he grabbed Ken's hand, watching violet eyes disappear briefly from Ken's blink of confusion. He untangled his limbs and moved closer to the raven haired man, slowly at first before he pushed himself forward and embraced Ken.

"Daisuke?" Ken asked, confused. One of his hands came up to tentatively touch Daisuke's back. The redhead rested his chin against Ken's shoulder, his arms now wound completely around Ken's slim waist. Daisuke had forgotten how good it felt to hold Ken.

"Hold me," Daisuke found himself saying. His eyes drifting shut as Ken's own arms wrapped around him a few moments later. His arms held him tightly and ended up pulling the redhead fully against Ken's chest. Daisuke didn't doubt Ken had done that purposely, as he had done it many times to Ken.

He buried his face into Ken's neck, concentrating on the feelings and smell of Ken. It felt so nice to be held. Ken's fingers caressed his back lightly, soothingly. Daisuke felt himself relaxed completely against the raven haired man.

Feeling Daisuke relax made him smile in relief. Ken understood–he felt–what Daisuke was telling him. Daisuke was going to work on healing himself and he was accepting Ken's help. The relief he felt was overwhelming.

So was the heartache that came with feeling Daisuke pressed so closely against him. He knew that in no way did it mean that Ken was getting another chance to be Daisuke's lover. Of course, Daisuke couldn't deal with one right now. But it was painful nonetheless. It made him feel like his feelings would forever be unrequited.

Yet he knew that if sacrificing any chance at a relationship would let Daisuke lead a healthy and truly happy life, then it was well worth it. Painful, but well worth it. Ken wouldn't regret it.

They didn't speak for a long time. Ken had lost track of time, sitting there with Daisuke in his arms and thoughts occupying his mind. Right now was the time to think, they had spoken enough. It was time to process and make game plans.

When Daisuke finally did pull away from him. Ken shivered. Though the redhead didn't move away from him completely, they weren't even at arm's length from each other. Daisuke was looking at him, studying his face. Or maybe just thinking while looking at him, Ken wasn't too sure.

"About us..." Daisuke began, looking down. "I don't know if–"

"I know," Ken interrupted. "Just friends."

"But you love me." Ken nodded and Daisuke looked anguished, guilty. Ken reached up and ran a hand through red hair.

"Which is why I can put you before everything." Even the heartache. Daisuke nodded a little and he was quiet again. Ken wondered if he dropped it.

"You may get over me during it all," Daisuke said, hopefully.

Ken shook his head. "I only love you," he repeated firmly.

"But that's not fair," Daisuke whined a little. The guilt shimmering in his brown eyes.

Ken sighed a little. "It's not a perfect world, life isn't fair. You know that. But just because you don't reciprocate my feelings doesn't mean I won't be just as happy seeing you happy."

Daisuke wrinkled his nose. He didn't look convinced and Ken wouldn't deny that it sounded like bull. But he would have to accept it. If the person you love doesn't love you back all you can truly do is wish they find happiness and love somewhere else. Ken at least knew that he could help Daisuke find happiness within himself. That was worth a lot. Almost as good as Daisuke loving him back... it wasn't the same. It could never be the same. But it was good enough.

"In a world where there are no happy endings Daisuke," Ken said. "Good enoughs carry a lot of weight."

Owari

_First and foremost, there will be an Epilogue. Secondly, I'd like to apologize for the long wait. It was a longer wait than I actually expected it to be. There's an excuse but I doubt you people care. _

_Um, I'm sorry about it being un-betaed but my beta has been overly busy and has not been able to find the time. I got tired of waiting and posted it. I tried to catch as many mistakes as I could. But I hate beta reading my own things 'cause I stop grammar checking and start story editing instead. ;;; I swear I tried. _


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue

Daisuke did end up going to New York. His stay was considerably shorter than any of us had expected. I thank Ken for that. At first he had planned the trip to get away from all that was troubling him but after Ken confronted him, Daisuke found that running wasn't the answer. That is a very good thing for him to discover, I tell you. It's about time he realized that, especially for someone like him.

Anyway, Daisuke had only gone because he was committed to making sure his art show was handled the way he wanted; he also had to attend the opening. When all those little loose ends had been taken care of Daisuke came back home. He never told me if Wallace protested or not, but I doubt it. We all knew that Daisuke needed to be with Ken.

Daisuke had not solely sought out Ken for help, Ken wouldn't allow it. Ken always said he could only do so much and with that statement he forced Daisuke into therapy. At first I wasn't sure if it would be any help. Daisuke had been in therapy before, following the incident that brought him into our lives. However he never took too well to therapists. I remember mom would hate taking him to the therapist because it just seemed to make him more withdrawn and distant. She later told me that Daisuke would usually be completely silent during the sessions. (However she also said that the therapist told her that if he talked, he talked about me.) It was like that for at least two years, and countless different therapists, before mom and dad finally decided that it wasn't doing much good..

I suppose what led to success this time was that Ken would always spend at least a half hour of the session with Daisuke and the therapist, just as silent support. It took maybe six or seven tries before Daisuke finally settled on one therapist. The only reason he didn't give up on them all together was because Ken wouldn't let him.

The therapy wasn't an instant success either. Even though Daisuke felt comfortable around Dr. Mizuno it didn't mean he was comfortable enough to actually open up to her. During their second session Daisuke had actually walked out which lead to a rather heated fight between Ken and Daisuke. I suppose I can forgive Ken for losing his head, dealing with an emotional and stubborn Daisuke can be a rather trying experience. But it was so bad that I had intervene.

I think it was a good thing for me because while I was still trying to salvage their relationship, I think I convinced myself that Ken was some sort of miracle worker or a saint or something. But that fight woke me up. Ken wasn't a Mr Fix-it for relationships and he definitely wasn't in a position where he could keep himself objective. Ken can't always be patient, he was just as frustrated by Daisuke as anyone else was. Ken has just always been focused and determined enough to push his frustration down.

After tempers were cooled and apologies rendered, Ken was able to convince Daisuke to try therapy again, with the same therapist no less!

Unfortunately it wasn't smooth sailing form there. Their problems ranged from the incredibly small to the large and difficult. Ken stuck to it, just like he promised. Even when they fought, he was always there for Daisuke, supporting him just like we supported them.

As time progressed I saw the changes in my brother. I think that anyone that wasn't so close to him wouldn't notice a thing. But slowly and surely the smile began to reach his eyes more and more. He told me so too.

"I feel better," Daisuke had told me one evening over Chinese. "I mean, the burden is still there but it's lighter. Though I have more nightmares now. Funny how I didn't have enough when I was hiding but now I've cornered the market on nightmares."

"You're facing your fears," I had responded. "Have you asked Dr. Mizuno to prescribe something?"

Daisuke shrugged. "They're not that bad."

Unfortunately they did become worse. They foreshadowed the very deep depression Daisuke would later fall into. From my understanding of the whole incident, Daisuke had been in the processes of working through his relationship with Fujiwara. I know very little about the man and what he did to Daisuke. But from what I got from Ken, the therapy had yet to barely scratch the surface at the time.

During his depression, Daisuke's art work had been impossible for me to look at. I can't even begin to describe his works without tears threatening to form in my eyes. My dear brother's pain was so tangible. Daisuke proved he deserved to be the Child of Courage though, he pulled through. Though I think that he wouldn't have been able to do so without Ken. No let me rephrase that, I _know_ that he would have failed without Ken.

Ken was a pillar of strength and support for Daisuke. He was always there. No matter what time, no matter what he was doing, no matter what he sacrificed, he was always there. He even amazed me who had known he had the potential to help my little brother.

He helped Daisuke through the depression and through the side effects of his medication. The problems with the medication varied. Since he had been so depressed, he had actually begun to care about the anti depressants making him gain weight. So it was switched for another anti depressant which didn't work at all until they uped the dosage but unfortunately the increase made another side effect worse. The final anti depressants he was on had to be increased too though it also had side effects which Daisuke figured he could deal with.

"They kill my sex drive," Daisuke had told me as he popped the two capsules. I've heard that these kinds of medication could be addicting and I'm always worrying about Daisuke becoming a druggie too.

"It's a good thing you're not having sex right now, I guess," I had replied in that arrogant elder sister tone which of course made him smile sardonically.

"Yeah, my reserves are full."

Daisuke beat his depression and got off those horrible pills. Through the darkness Daisuke clung desperately to Ken and Ken never let him go. He was so loyal and caring.

Still there was fatigue and heart break. It wasn't just because Ken had to watch, sometimes helplessly, as Daisuke struggled painfully to put himself back together. That was painful and horrible enough without being in love with Daisuke. He had to hold back every romantic urge he felt for Daisuke.

He did a valiant job of it too. I think he channeled most of those unrequited feelings into the strength he needed to make Daisuke mentally healthy again. His restraint was amazing, except, I suspect, during times when Daisuke was sleeping. I caught him once kissing my sleeping brother. Again it was a sign of things to come, Ken would cave after a three and a half years of working with Daisuke.

"I kissed him," he had told me simply.

"What else is new?" I had replied. It had been no surprise to me and that's probably why Ken had come to me about it.

"Jun please," Ken had sighed, dropping into a chair. He looked so exhausted which, depending on what was going on with Daisuke at the time, wasn't too uncommon for him.

"All right, all right I'm sorry," I raised my hands in a peace offering gesture. "What happened?"

"We were talking and goofing around," Ken began looking at me. "It was great... and I just got carried away." I motioned for him to continue. "He freaked out. I tried to apologize but he kicked me out."

"It's nice to see Daisuke hasn't lost his flair for melodrama." My comment got me a glare form Ken. I suppose that it was uncalled for, I was suppose to be helpful. But it just aggravated me that Ken would need to come seek me for advice over something that had such a simple solution, at least it did to me. I knew that it would change their relationship, maybe put a strain on it if things didn't go right, but there would be no permeant damage whatever the out come may be.

"I scared him," Ken moaned and I nodded.

"He'll get over it. Just give him some time to himself," I advised. "He'll think it over and you guys will work it out." If that had happened a year or two earlier, my response may have been totally different. It's a good thing to realize because then I could really appreciate how much things have changed.

Ken nodded, he knew I was right. He was silent for a long moment before he smiled. "It felt nice to kiss him while he was awake."

Again I'm not sure what happened between them. It's harder to squeeze information out of them. The closer they get the hard it is to get them to talk too. It's normal I know, but it's frustrating for an overprotective, nosey busy body older sister. I do know that they worked it out, as I knew they would. Later on I realized that their relationship had moved up a level. They weren't kissing or even holding hands, but the way they looked at each other, and their body language, said it all.

I'm really glad for them. They are like complimentary colors. Anyone who says other wise better be ready to receive a face full of fist. I can almost feel Osamu's disapproving stare upon me for that statement. I can't help but chuckle.

"I didn't really mean it," I mummer to Osamu. I lean back against the couch and close my eyes. I concentrate on the sound of Ken and Daisuke talking in the kitchen. They invited me over for dinner. I wish I had declined though. Ken cooked. Daisuke's been teaching him and his improvement has been marginal. Unfortunately I had no choice, Daisuke gave me his trademarked pouty face and I fell hard. That boy has no idea the kind of control he holds over me. Not that he ever will.

Ken comes out with a tray of cakes that I hope he didn't make himself. Upon further inspection I realize they look too nice to be his. Cruel yes, but nonetheless true.

I sit up a little and thank him for the dessert when he hands it to me.

"Where's Dai?" I ask, looking about.

"He went to get something," Ken answers, serving the coffee. Ken drinks it black. He's become an addict. "A painting he's been working on. He says it's a gift."

I had to hide a smile. Ken's cheeks were a little pink and he was trying hard not to look pleased. He was failing miserably. It was so cute.

Daisuke emerges after a few minutes holding a canvas, its back to us. Daisuke's grinning excitedly. It's infectious.

"Ready?" He ask and Ken nods, trying so hard to be composed.

Daisuke turns the canvas around showing us the picture.

Ken breathes out his appreciation and I also compliment it. Daisuke beams happily, glad that the picture has pleased Ken so much. While Daisuke babbles, Ken looks at me. He gives me a meaningful look which I return. No green. Well that is untrue, there is green but it isn't that oppressive green that we were so accustomed to seeing. It's like the green of ferns.

_Shelter, ne Osamu-kun? _I remember smiling slightly to myself. Yes, that's what Osamu had told me. Ferns meant shelter. I doubt Ken read so deeply into the painting but I know very well Daisuke did.

Daisuke found his shelter in Ken. It made me so happy to see it. The painting made it undeniable proof.

I watch Daisuke put the painting down and sit down next to Ken, who was looking rather shy and embarrassed because of the gift. I catch how their hands brush, I catch Ken's cheeks color more and watch as Daisuke's smile becomes warm and loving.

I find myself a little jealous of my little brother right now. We Motomiyas are undeniably attracted to Ichijoujis it seems, only he was fortunate enough to get Ken who was only alive because his older brother saved him that faithful day.

I look away from them to the painting. It helps push away the little bit of bitterness inside of me. I know I have a sad little smile on my face as I whispered,"You saved your brother, and through him, mine as well. Thank you, Osamu."

"What was that 'neechan?" Daisuke asks, looking at me curiously. I notice that Ken was too. I wonder if he heard what I said.

"I said, that if my little brother doesn't eat his cake, I'm gonna do it for him." The horrified expression on Daisuke's face was priceless. He reaches out quickly and takes his plate.

"You wouldn't?" He gasps, trying hard to keep the laughter from bubbling forth.

"Wouldn't I?" I respond.

"Just don't break anything," came Ken's calm addition.

"You're no fun Ichijouji!"

"You two are just immature."

Daisuke and I look at each other for a moment, confirming that we were having similar thoughts before throwing our pieces of cake at Ken.

"He squealed like a pig!" Daisuke laughs.

He did indeed!

_Owari _

And so it comes to an end. I'm sorry about any mistakes. No beta this time around either. I'd like to thank all those that have bared with me over the years. This fic took way longer than it should have. I hope it was worth the wait though.

Thank you again


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